Pondering, Damn It All


Really!

Today has not been bad. It’s been … meh. preceded by much of the same. What do you do when you don’t know what to do?

The “experts” say the happiest people in this world are grateful, no matter what their circumstances. Cool. God knows I’m grateful. Just haven’t reached the “no matter what the circumstances” zone. Definitely something to aspire to.

i am going to start saying this!!

I get this way sometimes. Good grief, at this stage of the game, you’d think I’d have this life stuff all tied up in a bow. Maybe it’s dull routine, maybe it’s a long weekend stretching ahead.

Lethal

In the olden days, my “escape plan” from these feelings was not well thought out, but a plan nonetheless. Just get on I-10 and head west and eventually I would end up in California. Like I said, not much of a plan.

truth.

Painful but oh so true. And it’s pretty much self-inflicted as “others” have no concept of my expectations and that’s not fair to them.

So true

Note to self: No Instagram or Facebook until further notice.

Weight Loss Motivation How To Find It And Keep It

I like that idea. Lighten up and move on down the alphabet.

dance...

PERFECT!! My favorite thing to do. So I think I will dance and eat a bunch of chocolate.

Lord, listen through my heart.

That would sum it up.

Off to dance, eat chocolate, and pray.

Later.

Iz

Found On Road ….


Think I was going to say, “dead”? Nah. I was a bit horrified to find I hadn’t plugged in here for a very long time; not horrified enough to hit the keyboard, obviously. As I try to catch up with my “friends” here, I’ve got to cut to the chase and let my thoughts for the last year go ….

  1. Mantra for this year: I can do better. This has nothing to do with social status and everything to do with my personality flaws. To misquote John Wayne, “If you don’t like something, don’t bitch. Get off your butt and do something about it.” It would be much cooler had I quoted something from Jay Z, but I’ll leave that to my brilliant young friend, Megan Silianoff.
  2. Brilliant young friend mentioned above has written an amazing memoir, 99 Problems But A Baby Ain’t One. Young and memoir don’t usually add up to much, but this one has been over the river and through the woods of shit, remaining sassy and upbeat, emerging victorious on the other side. Her blog is greetingsfromtexas.com. We met at Cheeky Vintage, quite possibly the very best vintage store this side of the moon.
  3. Country Music: have been a hater all my life but have changed my mind this year. Not going so far as to say I can stand any of that twangy crap but as I’ve been listening I realized the songs, whether giddy or sad, are honest. Honest is good and I can understand what the singer is saying. Shit, that sounds like an old bag which I am most certainly not. Shit. Anywho,  one song, “I Pray for You” by Jaron and The Long Road to Love, which must have been written after a breakup. It is so mean in a good way – things you’ve most certainly thought but never said out loud. No haters – I didn’t write it.
  4. Professor Dreamy joined the fam last month and we are all happy. He could truly teach men how to love a woman. Joyful, joyful.

Dashing. Laugh as much as possible. The photo below features is my friend, Nga; she needs a razor intervention.

image

Later.

Iz

Calling Elie Saab …


Dear Elie Saab,

I love this dress and would really like to wear it at my daughter’s wedding. Here’s the problem – I can’t find it anywhere and if I did find it I couldn’t afford it so I am in a pickle. Now, you know it’s not this season – which makes it much less valuable – and – I promise I will wear it well AND tell everyone what an amazing designer you are. See – win/win! Thank you, in advance, for the dress. We will talk specifics when you contact me. Hugs and kisses,

Izzie Darling

Here Comes Bride, There Goes Kidney


Really and Not Really!

My youngest, McPaddie, is getting married! Her fiancé is an awesome man; we are all beyond excited. That means we are having a wedding! YIKES.

Fortunately, the big event is a year away. Haven’t broached subject of budget with her dad. While he is totally on board, he has no clue what weddings cost. I’m thinking he’s thinking $7. Am totally Scarlett O’Hara about having that conversation with him. Must contact EMS unit to have on hand when I grow a pair and spit it out. “Tomorrow is another day”.

Meanwhile, this mission requires MAJOR CREATIVITY. A few of the thoughts that have crossed my mind at 3:00 am every morning:

  • Sell a kidney (no, think that’s against the law)
  • Numerous bikini car washes (force future bridesmaids into slave labor)
  • Bake sales (one cookie = $1000)
  • Stand on busy street corner with sign (nope; too hot and I work every day)
  • Call BRAVO and ask Andy Cohen to make a reality series for us (so not happening)
  • Start a new trend: the drive-by wedding (just kidding)

Obviously, I need your help! If you have any ideas - puh-leeze throw them out here. Before throwing, please note: they won’t elope, we will do our best and honor what the bride wants on budget, we know it’s about the ceremony, not the flash.

*We are Southern. That means the weddings in these parts = church ceremony and reception. Reception includes buffet, mucho alcohol, and a great band so you dance your ass off. Just so you know. Oh, and photography. Just blew left side of brain.

You have your assignment. Am off to search for loose change.

Later.

You Might Be A Cockroach If ….


Good grief, I’ve been AWOL and I hate it! My tiny brain is exploding; working on a project that requires my absolute focus. Love the project but am in word bankruptcy as a result. Anywho, my two favorite quotes this week:

“If you step on people in this life, you’re going to come back as a cockroach.”

Willie Davis

“Why not upset the apple cart? If you don’t, the apples are going to rot anyway.”

Frank Clark

Hope all is peachy with you! Really!

Be happy. Your choice.

Later.

My Not-So-Stange Addiction


Pinterest.

Yep, I’m addicted.

I resisted for as long as I could. I was turned off by having to “request an invitation” to participate. Got over my snarky self, pressed the request button. Got my “invitation” shortly thereafter and my addiction was instantaneous.

For me, Pinterest is like this amazingly magical treasure chest. And I can’t control my addiction because there are so many beautiful images, great tips, hilarious words … well, something for everyone. Creativity and beyond …..

Oh my, I must go back there right this minute. Might miss exactly what I’m looking for. Even though I have no idea what I’m looking for which is par for my course.

You can follow me there - Izzie Darling, duh. Check my boards. You might find something you are looking for. Or not.

Happiness is a choice.

Later.

Under My Skin


I’m so peaced out, nothing gets under my skin. Except EVERYTHING. I’ll try to keep this brief.

  • Bad Press = More of the Same: In the olden days (last year), employees of GIANT DELIVERY SERVICES actually brought packages to your door. Numerous news clips over the past few months indicate some employees simply use your address as a target, the package as an arrow. We won’t even talk about the condition of the contents of said package/arrow. One would think GIANT DELIVERY SERVICES would have a chat with their staff, requesting true delivery of packages as opposed to Hail Mary target practice. Not so much. My recent experience:

Thanks, UPS

  • Car Dealership Service Departments: Maybe it’s just me, but I believe these should be renamed “Car Dealership So What Departments”. Living in a huge city, there are often numerous places to have your car “maintained”. Not mine. One dealership-from-hell. The service department is chock full of truly angry people with a collective offensive linebacker mentality when it comes to service. Slam that customer to the ground asap. Should your car need anything, it’s all your fault, not covered under warranty, and that will be 17 grillion dollars plus tax, tip, title, gratuity, and first dibs on future grandchildren to recover your vehicle. See ya never!

All I needed was an oil change :(

  •  So Where Do I Get My Car Serviced?: Faced with this question yesterday, I went straight to the Wizard a.k.a. Google. Spent the better part of the day doing my research online. Selected the lucky service garage (keyword “loaner car”), rang them up, made my appointment for today. This morning, I packed some supplies (food, water, phone) and headed out to the garage. Which is in another town. I did have a map but am directionally dyslexic; maps serve me as well as Car Dealership So What Departments. One hour later – complete with 456 twists and turns – I’m there! Wherever that is. Everything is going along perfecto until we get to loaner car. Apparently there are just a few from which to choose. And here it comes …. “Can you drive a stick?”. Yes, of course I can drive a stick but haven’t since I was in my teens. “No”. A little bit of hemming and hawing and a big white thing appears in the driveway. I have no idea what it is but it goes forward and backward automatically. So I’m not really ranting about the new service provider, just the fact that I have to leave town to get my car taken care of. Wackadoodledo.
  • Car & Pet Wash: Swear on everything, I saw this place on my way back from wherever my car is. I am so taking photos tomorrow to prove it. In the meantime, I am quite confused how this situation works. Do you multitask by attaching dog to hood of car? That’s unacceptable. Does the cat drive the car, with perfume flowing through the air vents? Have you ever heard of this?

Is it too early to drink?

Later.

Baby Mamas and Shawty’s Grandma


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When I saw this book, I knew it was the perfect Mother’s Day gift for my mom. Our family is insane … just like yours.

William Buckholz is brilliant and funny. He provides song lyrics and gives translation. Laugh out loud funny. Here are a few of my faves:

“That Bird Flu, Shawty, That’s A Terrible Sickness” (from Gucci Mane song)       Translation: “While avian influenza is indeed a serious disease, when individuals begin selling cocaine and realize sudden and substantial financial gains are being made, it’s difficult to stop what they are doing and pursue other work through traditional channels of employment.”

“My Bank Roll’s On A Swoll“(from Snoop Dogg song)  Translation:“The  pile of bills I have rolled up and placed in my pocket and to which I add newly acquired currency, that I later withdraw money from like someone might use a lending institution, has increased in size as a result of my repeated business dealings.”

“I’ve Got Hoes In Different Area Codes” (from Ludacris song)  Translation: “I have females in various parts of the United States who are represented by three digits that begin the telephone numbers allocated for the regions in which they reside, providing me with many possibilities for companionship as I travel the world, should I care to contact them.”                                                        

Am I a bit …. off? Of course. But then, it could have been much worse. Mom could have received a crispy tan gift certificate.

Later.

P.S. Buckholz has a website, www.understandingrap.com, in case you were wondering.

Postscript

Yo, Mama Nudie is a playa!

Use Your Words


That’s what I’m doing … using your words. Well, sharing your words. Loving:

“If life gives you lemons, keep them. Hey, free lemons!”

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day, in my fort.”

“Imperfection is beauty. Madness is genius. And it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

“Time is precious. Waste it wisely.”

“Welcome to today. Another day. Another chance. Feel free to change.”

“Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.”

“If you can’t convince them, confuse them.”

“Today I will be happier than a bird with a french fry.”

“Work like a captain. Play like a pirate.”

Yo Ho Ho … off to walk the plank!

Later.