Vienna’s Bad Ass Sausage: Jake

When I was little, my mom would feed me Vienna sausage sandwiches on white bread.  Bleck!  Last night, “The Bachelor” offered us a human version of this nasty combo.  Vienna plus Jake’s sausage.  Double Bleck!  And to make matters even more indigestible, now Jake is going to be on “Dancing With The Stars”.  So we can look forward to more of his cheesy, soul-searching monologues.  I hope there isn’t a bridge within 50 miles of the DWTS set; his brood and cry moments are so annoying.

Vienna.  Hmmmm.  She’s only 23 but she is dumb like a fox.  With one marriage under her tattoo, she knows what it takes to get –  and get rid –  of a man.  Jake was an obvious upgrade for her.  All the press coverage didn’t hurt, either.  The lust factor, which was the only common interest between the two, wears off.  Real life is not St. Lucia, mud massages, and cozy beds. She’s probably so over him, but she’ll stick around for “DWTS”.  Sitting in the audience,Vienna will get pissed off when Jake’s nose gets stuck between Pamela Anderson’s breasts.  She’ll dump him and keep the ring.  I mean, it could provide funds for more scraggly hair extensions, a number of interesting tats, and a lifetime pass to anything NASCAR.

Jake’s family was initially horrified when Vienna walked into their suite.  The looks were priceless. Like they’d all had a bite of a putrid Vienna sausage sandwich.  I wonder how much they were paid to change their tune?  Notice, Daddy never had a “moment” with Vienna.  Scary.  And Mama was right on; when a woman can’t get along with other women, that is a RED FLAG. Duh!  I think they just decided to be happy that Jake was getting some – finally – and leave it at that.  Pitiful.

And then there’s Jake.  Ugh.  Reminiscing with Mama about what a bad boy he is.  How he likes to push people in the pool?  Oh Jake, you are so bad ass.  For a first-grader in a 32-year-old sexually deprived body.  At this very moment, he’s probably practicing his dance steps with one of the svelte, limber “DTWS” beauties.  And brooding.  “What was I thinking?  Love and lust are two different feelings. That Pam Anderson and Shannen Doherty really have it going on.  My heart is crying.  Telling Vienna to “scram” is now the hardest decision I’ve already made.”   Vienna who?  Upgrade, please. Maybe “DTWS” has hired Tenley as a dance partner …. Jake’s!  Then Vienna can clean out his bank account and sign up for “The Millionaire Matchmaker”. Or Jake and Vienna can be used as shark bait on “Survivor”.  Geez, the possibilities for these people are endless……

**** defines a Vienna sausage as ” a small frankfurter, often served as an hors d’oeuvre. I know that’s right.

2 thoughts on “Vienna’s Bad Ass Sausage: Jake

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s