Dear John/Redux

Don’t write Dear John letters, don’t even know a John.

Nevertheless, if I had to write one today, this is what it would say:

Dear John/Jerk/Village Idiot/Man sort of,

  • We are NOT on the same page regarding this relationship.  No bad guys here.  Just different wants/needs. You would be on the  idiot page and I am on the “are you kidding me” page.
  • My patience has been worn thin.  As a matter of fact, it is so thin you can see through it. Sheer. Grow up.
  • You talk about taking care of yourself emotionally.  I must take care of myself the same way.  No more deposits, no more investments. No more throwing good love after bad. Blah, blah, blah, blah!
  • Time is short.  It is of utmost importance to me that it be sweet as well. Please head to behavior rehab asap.
  • I am loyal to a fault.  But age and wisdom have taught me that even if I put my eggs in a good basket, I can retrieve them and place them in a better basket for me. I am currently in possession of said eggs. And I am preparing to throw all of them at your car.
  • Good relationships take work, but it is the kind of work you want to do.  How old are you, anyway?
  • You are a good man with strange thoughts.  Have you had a serious head injury?
  • I would ask that you leave me alone, but you are a master at that, so the request is unnecessary. Shoo!
  • Please take care of yourself.  Or hire a doctor to be on call 24/7.  He/she should be a practicing psychiatrist.

You are free to walk about the plane, the city, the country, the world.  Wear a parachute in case you fall off the edge.  On second thought, leave parachute at home.  Karma’s going to bite you in the ass no matter what.  Cheers!

Insincerely,

Me

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19 thoughts on “Dear John/Redux

  1. Haha

    I do know a John… and there are tons of things I would tell him. None of which are appropriate or ladylike (not that I am either of those) and a good majority of them involve words of the four letter persuasion.

  2. Funny, John sounds a bit like me – and no, I haven’t had a serious head injury. I blame it all on the Psychiatric Empire. Soon, just being a man will be considered a personality disorder.

    • You might be on to something … or not. I’m a poor picker – might was well drive up to an insane asylum (sp?) and yell, “Hey there crazy men, wanna get lucky?” Sheesh.

  3. Izzie….you’ve done it again. Love this one and have sent to others that have felt the same. You write SO well.

  4. Merci, my friend. And back at you on YOUR writing.

  5. Thank you so much for commenting on my blog so I could have the joy of finding you! You crack me up! I know a certain someone who I would love to see leave his parachute at home… (Click on my tag “The Pilot”…)

    • I love your blog! Thank you for visiting! Yeah, I believe there are a bunch of “Johns” standing at the edge of the world, without a parachute. All it would take would be a collective nudge and …

  6. Love this letter! I’m going to use it as a form letter. I like the egg one the best. =)

  7. Ready, aim, fire!

  8. Man I could have used this letter as a template for my female friends who oggled over Johns all the time and kept complaining to me about him! Maybe even tweak it for myself to get them off my back with “Dear Jane” letters.

  9. I’ve only received one Dear John letter, but it wasn’t as brutally funny as this. I don’t know “John”, nor do I play him on TV. But it’s guys like that that give the rest of us a bad name. Now I hope he has the time to redecorate his room in his parents’ basement.

  10. So glad you left a comment on my blog so I could find this. I haven’t laughed like that in too long. Cheers!

  11. I’ve soooo been there. Great way you’ve summed it all up!

  12. Pingback: There’s some funny sh*t on the internet! « DelightfulEccentric

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