OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!

Lame lines, tired material, boring filibusters by snooty losers …. wouldn’t it be great if we could make a citizen’s arrest for bad bullshit?  Throw the offender in a deep ditch or tape his/her mouth shut … forever.  Or at least a week. “Excuse me, Joe.  I mean this in the nicest way, but your bs reeks to high heavens and I’m afraid you are under arrest because you are a verbally disabled deadbeat and you are using up oxygen.  Pick your poison – ditch or tape?”

I don’t have the greatest bs. Have uttered my share of dumbass stuff.  But as of late, I’ve been cursed by a plethora of creepy, stupid words that the speakers believed would endear themselves to me.  Do I have a moron sign on my back or what?  Have already stated personal processing issues – takes me awhile – but, Jeez, enough is enough!  I made my recent bad bullshit discoveries quite by accident.  Watching movies I’d never seen and the characters say the exact same lines spoken to me?  Listening to the radio and hearing a song lyric that had been whispered in my ear as a unique heartfelt sentiment?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  OFF WITH YOUR HEAD, YOU UNORIGINAL LOUT(S)!

And then there are the ones who go on and on and on about themselves with a fabulosity filibuster that interests exactly no one.  Unfortunately, these offenders are usually women. Those of us in the “audience”  naturally multi-task, feigning politeness while imagining how many ways we can off the blabbermouth.  My mom told me a story about just such a situation years ago.  At a luncheon, Mrs. X was babbling nonstop.  “Well, I think this.. and I think that… and I think…”.  She finally realized that the room was deathly quiet, and in a show of generosity, she turned to the woman next to her and said, “Well, Mrs. Y, what do you think?”  And Mrs. Y, in her gentle, sweet way replied, “I think fuck you.”  Mrs. Y has enjoyed an elevated status akin to sainthood for stopping the madness.  She is my hero.

I’ll end this rant before I start to emitting fumes. But just know, if you come at me with your “original” crap like, “How do I love thee…”, YOU WILL BE ARRESTED AND IT WON’T BE PRETTY.

Just sayin’.

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4 thoughts on “OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!

  1. No doubt about it!

  2. It’s been a while since I learned from a blog. I will take Mrs. Y’s teachings and spread her gospel! Quit the BS people!

  3. Bravo! I’m glad that you were able to articulate what most of us are thinking. Mrs. Y should’ve written her own book, “Chicken Soup For the Bullshit Artist’s Soul” It’s no surprise that women can spot a BS artist a mile away.

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