Phone Calls from Mother: I & II

Make no mistake, I love my mother.  Am lucky to still have a mother.  And she is a wonderful mother.  Her phone calls?  Sometimes I just have to wonder what planet she is calling from.  Most recent cases-in-point:

My sister had an unpleasant but necessary hospital procedure this week.  Upon returning from the hospital, my mom called me to update me on sister’s condition. 

Me:  “Hello?”. 

Mother: “Well, I’ve just gotten home from the hospital. Your sister cannot move an inch for 11 hours.  They are giving her morphine.  She is in terrible pain.  Why don’t you give her a call?” 

Morphine? No Moving? Terrible Pain, three ingredients which scream no talkee. Me: “You know, I think I’ll call tomorrow when she is out of pain and her morphine haze.” 

Mother:  ” No, really, you should give her a call.”

Me:  “She can’t move.  If I call her, she might move and throw a clot.  Plus, she is stoned beyond the pale and would not remember a call from Brad Pitt.  Okay?”

Mother:  “Well!  Whatever!”   Whatever, indeed.

My parents are headed to beautiful place for a reunion with a number of old friends.  Fun, fun, and more fun.  I’d called to wish them a happy trip.

Me:  “Hey there, just called to wish you a good trip; it will be so much fun!”

Mother:  “I really need this trip (she does).  Why do you sound so happy?”

Me:  “What?”


Because I’m going to call everyone I knew from high school, invite them to your house while you are gone, and we will reenact the party scene from “Sixteen Candles”.  Me:  “Would you prefer me to sound sad?”

Mother:  “No, but you don’t always sound happy?”

Me:  “Who does?”

Sheesh.  While I was growing up – and exasperating her to no end – she would say, “You could make a patron saint cuss.”  Methinks this apple hasn’t fallen far from that tree.


6 thoughts on “Phone Calls from Mother: I & II

  1. I feel obligated to reply because I “spoke” with my own mother this morning. This is how that conversation went:
    ME: Hey Mom.
    MOM: Hey Sweetie–Marlowe (her boxer), get away from that.
    ME: -slience-
    MOM: Marlowe, that’s not for you. You’re such a silly dog. Come here.

    I could go on, but I’d bore myself again. This always happens. My mom calls, ends up talking mostly to the animals in her living room, then hangs up when I tell her I’m busy.

  2. Hahaha! My Mum drives me bloody mad on the phone. My Dad died just under two years ago and I feel sorry for her… But she is clearly enjoying her new found space and freedom. She talks non stop about going out and visiting her old lady friends etc.

    That said, I think she knows she looks far too happy for a new widow and therefore she tries to cover that by pretend that she “barely eats”. “I barely eat since your Dad died” she says, in a frail little voice. “I’m throwing food away” she confesses, in a choking whisper.

    Then I have an hour of her listing all the places she has been, and all the meals she has had out, and all the cream cakes that were half price in the supermarket, and all the new ice cream flavours I should try and on, and on and on. She eats like a f*cking horse! She eats every hour, on the hour!

    • Hahaha. And I bet she tells you the same thing, each time she calls. Mine talks to me about relatives like I’m the Postman and just wandered into the family. Lord A’Mercy, as my friend, Austin Ann, would say! (sorry about your Dad).

  3. WOW – my mom just told me she is going to invite herself over the next time my boyfriend is in town from England because it looks like its getting serious and now she thinks she needs to be “more involved.” OHHH GREAT!!!!! Just what I needed.

  4. can you tell me where that photo was taken from in your header??

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