Baby Talk: FYI TMI

Well, I never …would have expected what I was expecting when I was expecting!  I read the book, “What To Expect When You Are Expecting” and prior to birthing Miss Peach, I thought I had the whole thing down. HAHAHA.  My office has been fairly bursting with the younger women and their baby bumps.  It has been delightful to watch them, and not be a participant. While every mother in the area tells her own pregnancy tales, we do leave out a few things.  Accidently on purpose.

  • Be sure you know what you’re getting yourself into before you get into it.  I wanted a baby or two very badly, yet, when my water broke, I said to my former husband, “Uh….I’m thinking I don’t want to do this right now.”  He loaded me into the car like a sack of potatoes, anyway.
  • When headed off to deliver the baby, don’t forget to pack a muu muu or a small tent.  Just because the baby no longer occupies your body does not mean that your body goes back to where it was before pregnancy.  That will take 10-15 years, if ever.
  • The second you hit the hospital, demand drugs.  Even if you aren’t in pain.  When I arrived, the doctor told me I would have the baby in 30 minutes naturally or he could give me drugs, which would slow the process.  I told him I didn’t care if I had the baby in 30 years, GIVE ME DRUGS ASAP!  Once injected, my realistic impersonation of Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS morphed into Little Mrs. Sunshine.
  • I am rather modest.  I didn’t want my entire extended family in the delivery room.  The doctor asked me if I wanted the mirror fixed so I could watch?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  If I were meant to see such a sight, then my baby exit would have been located elsewhere. “No thanks, Doc!”  And, for the record, the husband was not allowed past my shoulders.
  • Delivery was a breeze.  The scary part was afterwards, for about 20 years and counting.
  • Chose the bottle over the breast before baby was born.  Was scorned, maligned, and warned that my child would have all sorts of health and emotional problems as a result.  I just wanted to spread the wealth, you know, give everyone a chance to feed the baby.  And, said baby does not have problems mentioned above.  That I know of.
  • Do not let the doctor/hospital release you for at least a week.  This going-home-the-next-day thing is for the birds.  Both times, I thought up every temporary incapacitation I’d ever heard of, made a list, handed to my doctor and said, “I don’t care which one you use with the insurance company, but I’m not leaving for a good five days”.  I believe he used “temporary insanity” on both occasions. Whatever.
  • After returning home for 24 hours, I called the doctor.  “You’ve left a baby in my stomach.  Someone is moving around in there. You never told me I was having twins.  Why would you take one and leave the other?”  Still working with my temporary insanity groove, he explained that my organs were moving back to their proper locations.  Apparently, to make room for the baby, my gall bladder parked itself under my right arm, kidneys in the upper quadrant of my right thigh, and so on and so forth. CREEPY.
  • After a month or so, all memories of life before baby are gone with the wind.

Somehow the little bundle of joy survived our bungled and totally psychotic attempts at parenting.  God is good.  On her first birthday, she celebrated by smearing cake all over herself.  While I was taking a home pregnancy test.  Which was positive.  And the whole process began again.  Despite any and all weirdness mentioned above, I wouldn’t change a thing. Can’t imagine life without my daughters.


9 thoughts on “Baby Talk: FYI TMI

  1. You made me crack up with this post. I love your sense of humor! You did, however, reaffirm in me my desire to not ever carry a child within my body. I can barely tolerate getting injections. I can’t even imagine what this would do to my psyche.

    Lovely ending to this piece, too! It could be a sonnet, with that little volta at the end.

    • Oh, please don’t let my lunacy stop you from babyville. Even if you HATE needles, the drugs are divine. Your body really will go back – or, at least in my experience, get better. But most important is that holding that new baby in your arms makes you realize how much your parents love(d) you.
      I hope you’ll reconsider … or adopt! And you crack me up as well.

  2. “If I were meant to see such a sight, then my baby exit would have been located elsewhere.”
    L. O. L. !! Reminds me of a little old lady I used to know, who said, when she had her first baby, “I thought it came out of my belly button, I didn’t know it came out of your cunny!” I swear, a 70+year old saying that had me rolling on the floor.

  3. now i’m totally horrified… but i’m also thinking drugs are a good idea 🙂

  4. I’m another huge fan of bottle feeding! My kids (three boys, now aged 29, 26 and 14) all turned out to be tall, above average at school and healthy.

    They are all slightly eccentric but I don’t think the milk did that.

  5. So funny! Except the part about the moving organs…so not funny.

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