Good grief! You cannot imagine what I’ve heard, remembered, been asked, and read today. So I’ll tell you:
- Turned on the radio while driving to work (still employed, yee haa). The radioheads were talking about weird tattoos. A surgery nurse called in. Medical types see everything, literally. His favorite tat was on a woman who was recently in his OR. She has a tattoo on her right leg featuring the cartoon character Yosemite Sam. Sam is shoveling coal into her privacy. As if that wasn’t enough, she also has flames rising above her privacy. She is, by choice, a fire crotch with no privacy. Perhaps she knows the tmi epiladies Alis Rose describes so well in her latest post.
- Speaking of no privacy, I had lower back surgery sometime ago. My surgeon was also my friend. The back pain was far worse than my need for modesty. After a bit of recuperation, I emerged from a delicious narcotic haze. My brave friend, Miss Lizzie, told me that after my operation, Dr. Imoonlightasacomedian sent an email to a few concerned friends. The email consisted of a headline proclaiming my surgery a success and included a picture. Of a Sumo Wrestler’s butt with my name on it. Good times.
- Hair extensions. I had no idea of the torture women go through to have a big mane that doesn’t look real. I watched this woman have her hair braided in tiny horizontal cornrows. It took forever. I had to leave so I asked my stylist what was up with that situation. She said the woman was having hair extensions put in. Apparently, the real stuff is braided and the extensions, which you buy from some hair store, are either individually glued on or sewn into the tiny braids. It looked painful and expensive. Still can’t wrap my brain around how they wash that stuff. So I won’t.
- Speaking of hair, I was not aware that a rhino’s horn is not a horn but a solid mass of compacted hair. Rhinos wear dreds.
- “How do you flush a public toilet?” With my foot, of course.
- Peppermint or spearmint? Spearmint any day of the week.
- The ridiculously handsome actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers of Tudors fame has airline issues. Apparently he’s been banned from United Airlines forever because he had too many cocktails before not boarding his plane. And, this wasn’t the first time, or the second, that this scenario has played out. The stupid press is urging him to take another stab at rehab. Has anyone thought maybe he’s scared of flying? Really!
- “Do you talk to yourself?” Absolutely.
- Am still mulling over where to board Cooper while on vaca. If I don’t want to have him locked up in a small run for a week (he’s a rescue dog, he might have flashbacks), then the choices I have are ridiculous. He can stay in a deluxe bunk house, a cabin with a private courtyard and flatscreen tv, a theme suite … and these are just the places I know of. At some, you pay extra for “cuddle time”, “group play”, and “swimming”. At all, the cost is a king’s ransom, at least in this kingdom. There are plenty of children who would love to have this opportunity. Or some food. This doggie deal is ABSURD.
- The Survivor troll, Russell, won $100,000 last night. Yo, Russell, take the $$$ and fill in the mouth holes where your teeth used to be. Thank you, scary little toothless man.
- Swore I’d start exercising again today. Have no other choice but to dance along with The Stars tonight. Loser!
When left to my own devices for too long, things get weird around here. (insert maniacal laugh).