Absurdities of the day

Good grief!  You cannot imagine what I’ve heard, remembered, been asked, and read today.  So I’ll tell you:

  • Turned on the radio while driving to work (still employed, yee haa).  The radioheads were talking about weird tattoos.  A surgery nurse called in.  Medical types see everything, literally.  His favorite tat was on a woman who was recently in his OR.  She has a tattoo on her right leg featuring the cartoon character Yosemite Sam.  Sam is shoveling coal into her privacy.  As if that wasn’t enough, she also has flames rising above her privacy.  She is, by choice, a fire crotch with no privacy.  Perhaps she knows the tmi epiladies Alis Rose describes so well in her latest post.
  • Speaking of no privacy, I had lower back surgery sometime ago.  My surgeon was also my friend.  The back pain was far worse than my need for modesty.  After a  bit of recuperation, I emerged from a delicious narcotic haze.  My brave friend, Miss Lizzie, told me that after my operation, Dr. Imoonlightasacomedian sent an email to a few concerned friends.  The email consisted of a headline proclaiming  my surgery a success and included a picture.  Of a Sumo Wrestler’s butt with my name on it. Good times.
  • Hair extensions.  I had no idea of the torture women go through to have a big mane that doesn’t look real.  I watched this woman have her hair braided in tiny horizontal cornrows.  It took forever.  I had to leave so I asked my stylist what was up with that situation.  She said the woman was having hair extensions put in.  Apparently, the real stuff is braided and the extensions, which you buy from some hair store, are either individually glued on or sewn into the tiny braids.  It looked painful and expensive.  Still can’t wrap my brain around how they wash that stuff. So I won’t.  
  • Speaking of hair, I was not aware that a rhino’s horn is not a horn but a solid mass of compacted hair.  Rhinos wear dreds.
  •  “How do you flush a public toilet?”  With my foot, of course.
  • Peppermint or spearmint?  Spearmint any day of the week.
  • The ridiculously handsome actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers of Tudors fame has airline issues.  Apparently he’s been banned from United Airlines forever because he had too many cocktails before not boarding his plane.  And, this wasn’t the first time, or the second, that this scenario has played out.  The stupid press is urging him to take another stab at rehab.  Has anyone thought maybe he’s scared of flying? Really!
  • “Do you talk to yourself?”  Absolutely.
  • Am still mulling over where to board Cooper while on vaca.  If I don’t want to have him locked up in a small run for a week (he’s a rescue dog, he might have flashbacks), then the choices I have are ridiculous.  He can stay in a deluxe bunk house, a cabin with a private courtyard and flatscreen tv, a theme suite … and these are just the places I know of.  At some, you pay extra for “cuddle time”, “group play”, and “swimming”.  At all, the cost is a king’s ransom, at least in this kingdom.  There are plenty of children who would love to have this opportunity. Or some food.  This doggie deal is ABSURD.
  • The Survivor troll, Russell, won $100,000 last night.  Yo, Russell, take the $$$ and fill in the mouth holes where your teeth used to be.  Thank you, scary little toothless man.
  • Swore I’d start exercising again today.  Have no other choice but to dance along with The Stars tonight. Loser!

When left to my own devices for too long, things get weird around here. (insert maniacal laugh).


21 thoughts on “Absurdities of the day

  1. Izzie, another brilliant post that makes me adore you even more! I smiled more broadly as I read each and every one of your observations. Great point about JRM…and he is insanely handsome, isn’t he? Oh, the things I learn from you! 🙂

  2. Rhino horns are hair? EWWWW. I’m afraid to ask what randomness enlightened you to this fact. 🙂

  3. Her “privacy”? Haha! I love you so much.

  4. hysterical! Seriously laughed out loud and read it twice.

  5. Very nice!
    I’m thinking of getting a tatoo at the moment and funny – getting one at the top of my leg making fun of my… anatomy… never occured to me.
    This was a great post. Thanks heaps.

  6. OMG pay extra for cuddle time? Can you sue them for inappropriate references??? LOL. That reference apart, it makes them sound like they have hearts of stone if you have to pay for that.

  7. These are great! As a former Nurse, I can remember many a night where I would be looking down at an elderly persons tats and would be wondering “I wonder what that used to be?” That woman you described is gonna look real stupid when she is 90 yrs old and is laying in a hospital or nursing home.

    I tried flushing a urinal with my foot once…of course, I missed and ended up with my foot stuck in the urinal just as a large group of guys walked in…..

  8. that is ridiculous about the rhino’s horn. honestly, i can’t even believe it. my world has officially been rocked.

  9. The rhino has officially been booted down on my list of “animals I like” (yes, I keep lists of everything – at least I don’t hoard shit like those people on TV). It is now officially number 3 from the bottom, right above slugs and albino frogs.

  10. oh dear. i am laughing out loud in my office. i’m thankful no one is around… oh well i think, or at least hope no one can hear me. 🙂

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