Absurd Singles Advice

Ok, so Marie Claire magazine has an “Ask & Answer” column posted; the title, “Four Things That Make Women Unapproachable“.  The minus-dumb “things” are attributed to anonymous. That is the only good thing about this advice.  No one would want his name connected to this. And why do they write this crap for women?

“You look angry.”  Maybe she’s pissed she’s stuck at a lame party.  Maybe she recognizes you from a past life, a bad date, or she has just gotten some rotten news.  In any case, she doesn’t WANT you to approach her. Sod off!

“You’re not locking eyes.”  Patently ridiculous … you’ve been watching too many chick flicks.  She isn’t looking or locking because she doesn’t WANT you to approach her.  Take a hike.

“You’re too flirtatious.”  Really?  She’s busy making opportunities, might have even thrown a flirt your way, and you are already bitching about it?  You don’t even know her.  You are overthinking this; go home and play Nintendo; don’t come out of your cave until you mature.

“You’re surrounded by friends.”  Since when is having a lot of friends a bad thing?  Would you prefer a lone, smiling, cross-eyed zombette standing in the corner? Thought so.

Seems to me, the “advice” came from Mr. Pathetic who has the confidence of a slug. Hear women laughing everywhere at this drivel.  So, put on your bullet-proof boxers (no man panties!), and I’ll give you four circumstances that make a woman unapproachable.

“She is holding a loaded AK-47 and it is pointed at you.”  It would be unwise to suggest dinner and a movie at this time.

“She is massively pregnant and standing with her husband.”  That means someone else locked eyes with her 10 months ago.  And put a ring on it.  Need I say, “Look elsewhere”?

“She is stinking drunk and can’t stand up.”  The gentlemanly thing to do is to help her to a seat and run.  Anything that happens when she has pitched a drunk will not lead to meaningful.  And you might get thrown up on.

“She’s surrounded by Hell’s Angels and ex-cons and she’s looks happy.”  This one is out of your league.  Do Not Approach unless you have a death wish.

To be fair, there are several things that come to mind regarding unapproachable men.

“He’s thrown down seven shots of Scotch in 30 minutes.  And he’s not drunk.”  If you have a card with local AA meetings on it, pass it to him and run.  If not, run.

“He is devilishly handsome and is berating another woman.” He would be Satan and he hates women.  Grab berated woman and run.

“He is standing alone, dressed like Clem Kaddiddlehopper, channeling early Jerry Lewis vibes.”  While he could be Bill Gates’ long lost cousin, it’s doubtful.  Repeat “I am not this desperate” until your sanity returns.

“His makeup looks way better than yours.”  Could be fun friendship but don’t start planning the wedding.

And that’s the truth.


12 thoughts on “Absurd Singles Advice

  1. Unapproachable woman: “She is dressed entirely in pink and has a handbag shaped like a kitten”. RUN AWAY, SHE IS BORING.

    Unapproachable man: “He is short”: RUN AWAY, HE HAS A BAD TEMPER AND SOMETHING TO PROVE!

  2. Gee, Wish I had read these back when I was in Dating Mode. Would have saved me from my first marriage…..

  3. Thank heavens I’m not dating in today’s world 🙂

  4. i love “his makeup is better than yours”

  5. yes, i shall never understand how men and women are intrigued by drunkenness… so weird!

  6. Let’s see, so it’s Women’s fault that they’re unapproachable?

    How about this: Dude, grow a set and man up. You’re not walking up asking for lots and lots of babies and a house in the suburbs. It’s just saying hello, for cryin’ out loud.

    (Disclaimer: Sometimes my breasticles are bigger than the average set of testicles.)

    LOVE IT!

  7. LMFAO!!!!!!! 🙂

    If a man talks to you and looks at someone else’s ass…greatly compliment the woman’s ass and leave. Just a thought.

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