Bumper Snickers

Am not a slogan-wearing, bumper-sticking type girl, uh, woman.  I do have one t-shirt with writing on it, which I don’t wear often but should – as a daily uniform.  It says, “I’d like to apologize in advance for my behavior tonight“.  And I did want another, from a real place called, “Bite Me Bait Camp” but it went out of business, pre-BP.  My car doesn’t wear accessories, either.  I live in a state where the Governor threatens succession from time to time.  I live in a city where you can be shot and killed for changing lanes on the freeway.  

Automotive attitude is a death wish.  Or not.  Because there are an awful lot of  bumper stickers out there. I read them, I write them down, I snicker.  And say to the driver of sticker car, under my breath with the windows rolled up, “You are as good as dead, dumb ass”.  And sometimes I laugh.  Because I am in desperate need of a vacation and have kitty litter for brains.  Sharing:

  • “If it has tires or testicles, it’s gonna give you problems.”
  • “Let me guess.  You played banjo in Deliverance.”
  •  “Cover me, I’m changing lanes.” (this is real)
  • “I don’t care who you are, what you are driving, or where you’d rather be.”
  • “The gene pool could use a little chlorine.”
  •  “My child was inmate of the month at the county jail.”
  • “Hokey Pokey Anonymous.  Where you can turn yourself around.”
  • “Hit me.  I need money.”
  • “Don’t steal – the government doesn’t like competition.”
  • “I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.” (C-REEPY)
  • “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
  • “No money in this vehicle.  Driver is married.”
  • “I’ve run out of sick days so I’m calling dead.”
  • “If you drink like a fish, swim – don’t drive.”
  • “If only closed minds came with closed mouths.”
  • “Go ahead and honk.  I’m reloading.” (told you about where I live)

If I wrote copy for bumper stickers, I might put the following on my car:

  • TAKE THE BUS, DAMN IT!
  • GET OFF THE PHONE, DAMN IT!
  • STOP ADMIRING YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR AND DRIVE, DAMN IT!
  • MONSTER TRUCKS ARE FOR MONSTERS, DAMN IT!
  • DEFENSIVE DRIVING REQUIRES ARTILLERY, DAMN IT!
  • PLEASE DON’T KILL ME BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE, DAMN IT!

Mea culpa for the page rage.  Feel so much better.  God-willing and the creek don’t rise (you have seen the news), next week, Cowgirl and I will be sitting with Lady Di on her glorious porch in a land far, far away from here.  Snickering and howling and laughing our guts out.  With not a bumper sticker in sight.

Later.

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25 thoughts on “Bumper Snickers

  1. IzzyDarling-One of my fam’s fav games is to find the best bumper sticker here in Paradise. So far this year–“I don’t eat anything that has a face” –Lady Di

  2. Oh, Di – bumper stickers in Paradise? Hahaha, I shall wear a blindfold – a stylish blindfold!:)

  3. What about the classic, “If you’re going to act like a turd, go lay in the yard”?

  4. You had me laughing out loud. As a middle school teacher of very challenging students, my favorite is “My child was inmate of the month at the county jail.”

  5. For some reason I thought you lived in England. I guess not.

    If I was inclined to put a bumper sticker on my car it would read: How’s my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SH!T.

    I have one my daughter left behind that reads: One by one the Guinea pigs steal my sanity.

  6. hahaha, sounds like you live in Johannesburg!

    The best bumper sticker I ever saw: A really swanky Jaguar driven by a glamorous Botox-Barbie and the sticker said “His new wife drives a Toyota”

  7. The only stickers I see anymore are political or sports oriented. I do remember one: “Hire a teenager while they still know everything”

    Good luck on the highways!

    • I’ve seen that one … think it should be altered to read “Hire your adult children while they still know everything” which would mos def be before they have children!

  8. hahaha!!! I love this one – “If it has tires or testicles, it’s gonna give you problems.” Soooo true!!
    The only bumper stickers I have ever seen are L-A-M-E. Example – “Make way for the King.”

  9. Great info. I’m a fan of defensive driving and car safety.

  10. That is LAME … are they talking about Elvis? Jesus? Be specific, people who bumper stick!

  11. These are great! Thanks for sharing. I like the Hokey Pokey one. What can I say? I’m a dork.

    I love all of yours. Especially the last one.

  12. I like the Hokey Pokey, too! Damn it.

  13. I like “Same shit, different day”… Which is old but says it all. Dave wears a t shirt that says “I’m wearing black until they invent something darker”.

  14. Myself and my best friend have seriously considered setting up a company that sells stickers and post cards. Why? Honk once if you are fucking Matt Damon, Honk twice if you are fucking Ben Affleck. I know, dumb. But I like quirky, interesting, stupid, funny quotes one could put on these things. You are a naughty boy – immediately proceed to following me home.

  15. Go for it, Dizzy – you never know

  16. I swear I’m not not making this up: I once got behind a car with 3 bumper stickers. On one side of the bumper, there was a sticker that said, “Jesus is Lord.” On the other side, there was one that said, “Christ is the Answer.” In the middle was a bumper sticker that said, “Don’t tailgate me or I’ll flick a booger on your windshield.”

  17. I heard somewhere that people with bumper stickers tend to have more road rage. What do you think?

    My favorite bumper sticker ever: “My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.” Saw it years ago, then Sarah Palin had to ruin the hockey mom rep.

  18. I like the Hokey Pokey one too. Dorks unite! 😉

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