Home Sweat Home



No, I didn’t misspell “Sweet” in the headline.  Just returned from the BEST vacation (much more on this later); it is 100-degrees in the shade here.  I don’t care because I’m so blissed out, nothing is going to pop my happy balloon. Re-entry  usually makes me seriously grumpy. But not this time…..  

  • After my plane landed, I headed to the taxi stand. Once settled inside my ride, the teenage(?) driver took off at warp speed. So fast my hair blew back and my hair is very short;I believe the polite word for it is “gamine”. Teen  driver was multi-tasking; he had the accelerator pushed to the floor as he tried to punch my address into that talking direction box thing while squirting Eau de Reek throughout the vehicle.  His typing skills were nil so I was spelling v-e-r-y  s-l-o-w-l-y and LOUDLY.  I determined, from what I could understand, that he’d just come from Lebanon via Iraq because his uncle, the real taxi driver, had a bad back. While flying from side to side in the wildly careening cab, I began texting my family and friends about making my funeral arrangements as my demise was imminent. But God is good;we screeched to a halt in front of my home in about 20 minutes.  The airport is a good 45-minute drive when there is no traffic.  That’ll be $80, which I gladly paid in return for my life.
  • Surprise!  College Girl was at the house.  We had a brief happy reunion.  Then she said, “You have no food”.  Too happy to be snarky, I pointed her toward the grocery store and gave her a push.
  • Went to check voicemail.  Several “Are you ok?”messages.  How does anyone know about that taxi ride yet?  Well, they didn’t. Apparently lightning had its way with a number of homes around me – four across the courtyard, six behind me.  All completely toasted. Horrible but no one injured. I was damn lucky to be alive AND have a bed to fall into.
  • Cooper’s boarding school called bright and early the next morning with a plea for me to fetch him.  Lisa, the Principal, told me he was a “talker”, he doesn’t like dogs but he does like people.  Because he thinks he’s a person. So he spent a week bitching in his own special way about his accommodations.  Glad to see him go, they were.
  • Returned home to an email from Miss Peach.  She is tired and needs a check she left with me deposited into her account. SHE IS ON A GREEK ISLAND. And apparently out of moolala. Whatever. So I found her check, promptly lost it, and had to email her dad to stop payment, blah, blah, blah. After losing everything but my head while traveling with Cowgirl, she suggested I might have a spot of ADD.  Am beginning to think she’s right, and spot is just a drop in my ADD bucket.  Still blissful.
  • Finally got to spend quality time with my cooking partner.  As we were strolling the grocery store aisles, I asked him about the upcoming holiday. You know, plans and stuff.  He has them; he and his buddy are in a marathon fishing tournament. In a place where fish live.  Which would not be here. My bliss turned to piss briefly, then I regained my composure. I am still alive and have a bed to fall into and a dog who thinks he’s a person.  All good. Plus, there’s a nasty tropical storm brewing near the Gulf AND the fish are likely escapees from the oil spill which = inedible. Hope that storm stays away and fish migrate from California … but you never know.

So, to wrap this ramble up, the bliss remains … despite family medical scares (everyone is fine), fire and brimstone, Fourth of Stinking July fishing tournaments, and a dog who is applying for his SSN#.  I didn’t watch a second of television for a week (bliss!) …only to find out that a very bad boy tried to sell his “used” mother on eBay AND that rancid slice of bologna, Jake the Bachelor, split from his fake fiancée AND allegedly drew back his fist to punch her during an interview.  Enough!  

Cooper and I are going to sit in the refrigerator and cool off …. 


17 thoughts on “Home Sweat Home

  1. You can sell people on EBAY? I wish I had known this before I gave the kid away to those gypsies for free…..

    Welcome back!

  2. Jake threatened to hit Vienna?! That’s so cool, I mean crazy. 😉

  3. Oh my hat, what a giddy, hilarious romp you’ve written here. I laughed from start to finish.
    Your Cooper and my Lulubelle would be a treat to watch, sounds as though they are from the same litter.

  4. Welcome back! Cooper sounds cute!

  5. Glad you had a good enough time to remain blissful during all that.

  6. Woo-hoo! You’re back!

  7. Glad you’re back in one piece, though imagine the blog post you could have written had you been sold on eBay. 🙂

  8. I put myself up on EBAY….so far, I have only one bidder. A fat Ex-Con in the Bronx named “Big Ed”….

  9. Go hide in the closet while I call the gypsies!

  10. awesome blog! Where I live it currently raining. yay….

  11. Oh, it’s raining here, too – 100-degrees + rain = a hot mess!

  12. Thanks for brightening my day once again! I’m happy to hear your re-entry did not dampen your spirits!

    I had to chuckle over the fishing trip story. Last Thanksgiving, my husband and his son went to a footgall game in Dallas. So he started workin me for a football game this Thanksgiving. WHAT? I hate to sit and watch football…home or stadium, he knows that! My no was definitely his yes for another father/son adventure. I said, “Have a good time.”

  13. You had me laughing here from the word “gamine.” A wonderful piece of comic writing. Thanks!

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