The Texacation: Don’t Mess With It or Us

A few pre-game details ….I left town Tuesday to visit Austin Ann. We had a great dinner with my youngest and her cute beau at a delightful place, Garredo’s. Didn’t stay out late as we were meeting friends in Hunt the next day. Blah, blah – stick with me here. We were  bright and shiny early Wednesday morning. Caffeine buzz, good weather, Google directions for the trip … life is so good. A leisurely two-hour drive through the Hill County. Float down the Guadalupe River all day. Woo Hoo x 2.

The Double A can get her Dale Evans groove on quicker than you can say, “Yee Haa”; she LOVES country-western music.  Me, not so much. But she was driving AND she is funny so my ears won’t fall off if I have to listen to songs featuring beer, cheatin’ women, and Jesus all in the same stanza. ROAD TRIP!

So we’re driving along with our Google map and we spot a gas station/24-hour resale shop. We’re in there, three seconds flat. Oh boy, our first souvenirs.

These shats are enormous; we think we are so funny and cute wearing them. SOLD. They are brand new. No cooties.

Half sombrero/half cowboy hat = totally Texican

We wander around the “resale” part of the gas station, looking for treasures. There were no treasures. We did spot a “fainting couch” which, upon closer inspection, looked more like an autopsy sofa; nevertheless, we were on a road trip and so Double A developed a case of the vapors, just for fun.

Double A in her shat on fainting couch; 700 cooties

Another map consult and we’re off. Gee, this is fun. We are happy. Wow, we’re in Bandera, another shop catches our attention.

This is a NICE store

We like this store.  We find all sorts of interesting treasures for the ranches we don’t have and the farm animals we don’t feed. Always optimistic, we DO run across an item we may not live without.

Created for the well-shod fashionista - so over Jimmy Choo!

If these don’t look familiar, they are hoof covers. Wow. We fit in the SMALL size. Whoa. That means we have HANKLES? No sale.

Back in the car, we look at the Google directions. We FORGOT that I am directionally dyslexic and Double A is always saying, “the other left” or “the other right”. Wethinks we may be off course. She is a map girl so she consults the map. Off we go. Twist, turn, up, down, around. Hmmm. This is WEIRD. Our friends call from the designated lunch spot where we were to meet.  They ask us where we are. We say, “six miles from Hondo”. Silence. Laughter. Hysterical laughter.

We are Gilligan and the Skipper. We have clocked five hours in the car because of the Google directions. Our vibe is shattered. We simultaneously channel the naked Asian who popped out of the trunk in the movie, “The Hangover”, and scream “Mo%$#@f&*$#r”. A lot. Then we write ugly, nasty notes on our directions.


FINALLY, we arrive at the lunch spot … 3 pm, our friends are gone, and there are a bunch of camels having an afternoon munch. No kidding. We are at Camp Verde General Store & Post Office, which is actually a cool place. Established in 1857, the CVGSPS served the soldiers at Camp Verde. Jefferson Davis wrangled $30K from Congress to ship camels here to be used as transport vehicles. This “experiment” lasted until 1869 when the Government needed to apply camel money to post Civil War Reconstruction.

On the flip side, it says, "Good Luck". Right.

After a juicy camel burger (JUST KIDDING), we get back in the car for another hour and finally arrive at our 2 + 4 = 6-hour destination. <very bad words inserted here>


Worth the drive

Rolling on the river .....

Just take that frown and turn it upside down. Shake the cooties off. An ice-cold beer, an inner tube, and a rousing game of Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll – it’s a game, really, and we played it loud and proud – across from a rehab facility. Wrong. On. Every. Level.

Stay tuned for the next post featuring lively photos of Chicken Shit Bingo, instructions for the SDR&R game, and other delights from the trip. Gotta go turn on the oven and stick my head in. Oh, it’s electric. Nevermind.

Yo, Google mapper-Don't Mess With Texas!


16 thoughts on “The Texacation: Don’t Mess With It or Us

  1. Wish I was there with you cute cowgirls! Love ya, mean it-

    • Didi – the “three hour tour” gives new meaning to the old slogan, “I’d drive a mile for a Camel”. Try 300 and those camels reek. Peace out in Grey Gardens. LYMI

  2. I am directionally challenged so I’m not sure where the f-camel GPS you are right now, but I won’t turn left for anything and I am elated you are having a Texas size good time.

  3. You two are like Thelma and Louise.

    Oh, and tell AA this:
    There is a legendary story that playing Rolling Stones records backwards will reveal Satanic messages. But what do you get if you play Country and Western songs backwards?
    You get your woman back, you get your farm back, you get your horse back …

    • Cin – the only thing we didn’t do was drive off a cliff … maybe next time? Will pass message along to AA when she gets home from playing Chicken Shit Bingo. 🙂

  4. M-f-er!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahaha! what can I say…..I’ll take a 3 hr tour camel ride w/ you anytime!!!! Next trip I’m thinkin of channeling trashy women….cocktail waitress in a Dolly Parton wig…??? Miss you already!!!

  5. Hilarious post! Hankles, that’s sexy!

    Looks like a beautiful float down the river. I have lived here 20yrs and haven’t done that. I think I need someone in a Texican hat to kick my butt with a hoof cover on.

    🙂 Have a blast!

  6. No problemo … head to Austin, Ann will give you her shat, her Google map, and she’ll give you a swift kick in the ass with her hooves. Take the “other left” and you will be floating in about 6 months. Yikes. You really need to go – floating, that is 🙂

  7. Great start! Love the pics. I have been golfing up in Bandera a few times back when I lived in S.A…. Beautiful area up there. Had to check my eyes when I first read the post because I swore it read “farting couch”……glad it was just a “fainting couch”…….”Farting Couchs” can be damn expensive!

    • Am quite positive that nasty thing WAS a Faint and Fart situation! Cootieville!
      Yeah, it is so pretty and so damn hot – just like the rest of the state. Sheesh!

  8. Wow. I want to road trip with you!

    P.S. Shat is the past tense of shit. The idea of wearing shat on your head made me laugh out loud.

    • I know about the shat thing but I couldn ‘t think of another word for sombrero/cowboy hat … cowbrero? sombat? Any ideas?
      P.S. You can road trip with us any day … always an adventure and you would add the perfect seasoning to our insanity 🙂

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