Let’s Make A Deal: A Novel Idea

Having recently quit my job, it would be prudent for me to secure another. Have a friend who found a great job through Monster. com;  Monsters scare me, ergo I’ve got other ideas.  Instead of revving up my resumé, networking my ass off, all the while beseeching the heavens above for a massive dose of divine intervention, I’ve decided to take a different approach regarding employment.

Serious employers may apply for my services. I will review all applications and if I think we might be a “fit”, I’ll get back to you. Have been around the block enough to know that a job on paper is NEVER the job in reality. I will address my expectations, my strengths as an employee, and the bottom line.

My Job Expectations

  • This is the Win-Win Process. No time wasted. Nothing lost. No bad coffee, forced laughter, or stupid questions necessary.
  • I thrive in creative environments, wither in Mad Men/Women offices.
  • You will get what you pay for in terms of my output.  I have experience in many areas. I have moments of brilliance. I have quite a bit of experience under my belt. If you appreciate this, encourage me, and pay me well, you will get 110-percent from me. If you are looking for a “deal”, pay less than my daughters make babysitting, please crawl off into the virtual bushes right now.
  • When I work for someone, whatever happens in the office stays in the office. I do not have loose lips. Before, during, and after employment.
  • If I like you and the job, I operate on the Rule of Three: you have a problem and need a solution. I will develop three options, then present them to you. You select one. It works. You are brilliant. I don’t care about the credit because you pay me so well to do what I do. Now that’s a hands-down, flat-out Win-Win. If you don’t understand this, join your friends in the bushes.
  • I get sassy when bullied. And then I cry. You have been warned. Other deal breakers include brow beating, nit-picking, and using a loud voice to make a point.
  • Let me know what you want me to do and I’ll do it. If you have a vague idea, let’s discuss it, hone it down, and get to the meat of the matter. Unfortunately, I was not born into a gypsy family. I don’t know what you want unless you do.  Plus, I would never want to put Madame Poot.com or the Psychic Network out of business.
  • Part time or very flexible hours a must. For me, at least.

My Strengths

  • While I prefer to wear jeans to work, I do “clean up” well. You would have no problem with me representing you at The White House or White Castle.
  • Have written so many words for others, I am almost transparent. Can be wonderful or wicked – with words – depending on circumstances.
  • Can lift 10 pounds maximum.
  • Will “just say ‘NO'” if asked to if you ask me to do something illegal. Other deal breakers include requests to pick up drunk wife/husband, children,dogs, or laundry; perform household chores in your household; reveal my business which is none of yours; and I’ll add more to the list if you and your enterprise make it through this first round. *Rethinking the pick up deal – will pick up stated items for $200 per offense. See, I’m a diplomat, too!
  • Can write, think, create, knit, teach yoga, bake bread, make jewelry, and visualize.
  • Love to research. Amount of love poured into research depends on topic.
  • Cannot whistle. Please don’t ask me to. Very sensitive about that.
  • Am a happy morning person.  Every business needs a happy morning person.

Bottom Line

  • My experience is worth the price you will pay me to work for you. No insulting offers necessary.
  • While I cannot apply the optimistic phrase, “the world is your oyster” to my talents at this point, it doesn’t mean I am not optimistic or untalented. I have eaten that oyster. See: experience. Actually, I’m overflowing with joy and optimism that the word “overqualified” will not apply to me again. RE: job. In. this. lifetime. Fingers crossed.
  • See how I’ve avoided talking about the bucks – big or otherwise – until now? I mean, I’ve hinted but … I’ll be straightforward. I do not want to work because I need more stuff. I like to have a place to go in the morning. Am at the tail end of college tuition, etc. One out, one more year for the other. And, have no illusions that after I stamp that last college semester PAID, wedding bells could ring … simultaneously. Then there’s me and the dog.  Fortunately, I am not desperate. And I will be picky. So, if you have good ideas and wonderful offers, bring ’em on. Like I said, I’ll get back to you.

Later.

*For the love of God, do not send me anything that is repulsive, gross, explicit, cold callish, telemarketing, blah blah. My “delete permanently” button works very well. Just sayin’.

Advertisements

14 thoughts on “Let’s Make A Deal: A Novel Idea

  1. I love this! I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying…I was laid off almost a year ago. I am “overqualified” for almost everything I apply for…all I want is something part-time so I can pay the rent and feed my kids while I wait for the bookstore to make enough to provide a paycheck!

    You are certainly talented…I’m sure the right employer will find you soon!

    Wendy

  2. I’d hire ya……When the Idiotspeaketh blog marchs its way towards global domination….I will hire you on as one of my right-hand henchman…or henchwoman….you know what I mean….

  3. Very witty post! Whoever hires you is one lucky employer. 🙂

  4. You are very witty – employers usually consider themselves the “witty” ones – in my experience. And sometimes, they even really are. Thanks FT.

  5. Damn… as a ‘fellow’ out-of-worker.. I love this approach. Amazing! Wish I’d thought of this myself.
    Best of luck with this new plan.

  6. please let me know if this works. i am SO in. 🙂

    • Nikki – will keep you posted. It should work … sorta like the phrase, “happy wife, happy home” ….”happy employee, happy to work hard … or something along those lines.

  7. I’d hire you in a flash!

  8. I know you would, Cin. Good luck on project you are working on. 🙂

  9. cannot whistle hahaahahah….

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s