Snark. Gobble. Watch Out!

The few brain cells I have left are in the snarky, pissy, fed-up-with-stupid department. Yeah, I’m fresh out of sunshine and looking for a rumble. Am stupefied by three things so far today:

  • Lindsay Lohan is out of jail and rehab. That’s so terrific, she was there all of about 5 minutes. You professionals in charge of her in California are brainiacs and humanitarians. I’m sure she’s totally changed; why, she’s probably headed over to join an evangelical church community …. after she does her press round for an upcoming movie she’s in. Where she can turn her nose up at a handle, a bowl, a little rowdy powder. Because you have done such a fine job helping her. Wretched morons. The round, hairy blobs sitting on your necks are USELESS.
  • This is true and repulsive on every level. Deal with it. A woman we will call Stupid Head needed a bikini wax. So she went to her nail salon. (First clue that things will not go well – unless she wanted a mani/pedi on her hooha). Stupid Head climbs up on the grotty pleather table, probably purloined from Dr. Demento, and shows her stuff to the “technician” (this word is used very loosely). Scald, press, rip. Scald, press, rip. And Stupid Head is outta there, feeling lighter (skin loss) and smarter than everyone else (she got a bikini wax for 1/24th of what the normal cost is). Well, Miss I’m-So-Thrifty should have held off celebrating. She got a flesh-eating disease in her privacy (oh, I could do so much with this). A couple thousand dollars later, she was cured. There’s no telling what the state of her leg union is, but I don’t want to know. And I can’t leave you with that bad visual, so I’ll tell you how stupid I am (do not agree with me under any circumstances; you’ve been warned).
  • It took me two years to buy some replacement bags for my vacuum cleaner. Mind you, I don’t use it but I pay someone else to because I recognize where I am challenged. Plus, I could learn a thing or two from her as she makes much more $$$ than I do. But I digress. She’s been using an extra vacuum she has – for two years. Yes, I am a procrastinator of the highest order. Or a lazy slug. Take your pick. I will say the stupid cleaner bags were so obscure I had to go over the river and through the woods, up the down staircase, and around the bend to find them. But that was ridiculous. Maybe I should move to California and run rehab facilities … or the court.

I needed that. But it isn’t enough. I need to go visit my parents before they leave on a trip. And I have to put on my happy pants. But I can’t find them. Would rather bite the heads off small … nevermind, if I say what I’m thinking, I’ll end up doing the rest of Lohan’s jail and rehab time. So I’ll just bite the heads off a few Barbies ….


37 thoughts on “Snark. Gobble. Watch Out!

  1. IzzieDarling-Since I have attended family week in the last year I know one or two things about rehab. One thing’s for sure-this won’t be the last time LiLo visits rehab. A court appointed rehab probably isn’t armed with the level of specialists needed to crack her code. She’s a train wreck. I just hope she doesn’t cross my path in her drunken state on one of my trips to LaLa land. -LYMI

  2. Didi – you know of what you speak … it won’t be her last rehab rodeo. And I would think it takes some very committed parental units of which she has none. I’d stay off the streets in LaLa land – LYMI

  3. If the person doing your vacuuming makes more money than you do; and if she has been using her own vacuum cleaner this long, then it’s a fair bet that she hasn’t bothered to complain to you in all of this time.

    Not saying she deserves the inconvenience but maybe….you don’t need to beat yourself up over it.

    I”d have said “why didn’t you remind me? You need the right tools to do the job, and if I’m supposed to supply them but haven’t – is that your fault or mine? You should have reminded me.”

    Which reminds me: I have ratty-assed vacuum that’s in need of replacement. Thinking about getting one of those Dysan deals. Expensive as hell but my understanding is that they’re the best out there.

    • Hey Wolf … she did remind about 1000 times; then she figured out I was not going to get them any day soon. Mine’s an Oreck – have to drive to hell and back for bags. Such a waste of time when I could be sitting around watching paint peel. Sheesh!

  4. Your happy pants… I guess those are akin to Big Girl Panties.. I feel your pain. Going on a 2 night trip w/ my mom as I worry about her driving.Yikes the sacrifices we go through for parents…. and children…and partners…

    • Oh Walker, I outgrew BGP’s long time ago … man panties, too! Left the peeps packing and in good travel mode even though my dad would rather take a bullet between the eyes over a plane flight. Now if you want to get into sacrifices for children, exes, partners … honey, whenever you’re ready …

  5. Izzie, when you get on a roll – Watch Out!! I do know this: I will be avoiding that salon when it comes time to “manscape”.

  6. Hey Brad! Yes, am feeling totally wicked. If you do get a “manscape” (hahahaha) DO NOT go to a nail salon. Otherwise you will leave with a scape but not as a man. Hahahaha 🙂

  7. Remember a few years ago when Lindsey hosted SNL, and Amy Poehler played Lindsey 5 years in the future as sort of a stoned loser who looked 40 years old? Um, that wasn’t a joke.

  8. Here’s a vacuum cleaner story for you…shortly after I got married, we found that the apartment we’d rented was infested with fleas. We purchased the “flea bomb” from a veterinarian. The instructions said that it should also be sprayed in the vacuum cleaner bag. What it didn’t say was WHEN that should be done. I sprayed it into the bag, and turned on the vacuum. The small explosion blew the filter right off the top of my old Electrolux (not to mention scaring the crap out of me!). It was pretty loud too!


    P.S. You and I could probably compete for the title of Procrastination Queen!

  9. We got an Oreck too! Gave up driving the 70 miles to get bags for the thing or to get it tuned up, so now we just don’t vaccum. Our house looks like the bottom of a hamster cage 🙂

  10. You aren’t, by any chance, responsible for one kitty spending 15 hours in a wheelie bin by any chance? 🙂

    • OK, Loon – quick chat … I LOVE cats so I wouldn’t throw any kitty in a wheelie bin + not being cheeky BUT am WAY cuter (and have more insurance) than that beige miscreant. WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?????????

  11. Oh izzie, you are such a tonic.
    I was feel all glum this morning and this post made me laugh so loudly that my dogs started barking.
    Thank you!

  12. I used to be on a message board with a bunch of women. One woman was large (I saw pictures) and loud (she never shut up on the board so I’m guessing she never shut up in real life either). She owned a salon (but leased it to someone else) and would go there for Brazilian waxes. Then she would bitch on the message board about how the wax job wasn’t done well enough and she’d talk about her ingrown hairs. It so totally grossed me out that she made her employees look at her cooter that I had to leave the board. My guess is if she lost about 100 pounds, the waxer would do a better job. Yuck.

  13. Excuse me, yellowcat, let me vomit. Ok, I’m back. Wow. Funny thing is, they probably couldn’t find her cooter with a GPS and were waxing her abs (or flabs as seems to be the case). NASTY.

  14. OK sugar britches: girlfriend, you already KNOW taht snarky pants are way more fun than pollyanna happy pants.

    No meanness, but rather we call it “sport bitchin'”. 🙂

    Besides, if someone’s farting that much sunshine , I automagically don’t trust ’em.

    So there!

    Snark on with your bad self dahlin.

  15. first story…i read somewhere that her mom says she will go back to nyc to live b/c california doesn’t understand her or something like that. so good luck new yorkers!
    second story…ewwwww.
    third story…interesting. why don’t you just order the bags over the internet? but then that will actually make you replace the bags and nevermind.

    • You know, ft, it would make perfect sense to order bags on internet … but then it would look like I’m not a lazy slug and I don’t want to give the wrong impression 🙂

  16. Maybe we should all love bomb Lindsay Lohan? Seems she could do with some TLC. Brittney went through similar things. Heath Ledger died. If all the best therapists are in LA, why’s everyone unhappy? I say send them love and stop treating them like stars that you have to look up to, only to look down on them in the press, and start treating them like humans. Blog post coming up…

    Brazilians are always a pleasure. They are the reason men should pay for dates (well, twice a month at least). And keep their own sweet selves in trim (I don’t know if the last sentence exists really, but you get my point…).

    Hoover story sounds like me. I need a PA and a VA to do the things I think I should be doing, but never do.

    Happy pants…just think happy thoughts 🙂 Or watch Bridget Jones…if that’s your sense of humor 🙂

  17. I think I had a vacuum cleaner once… It is now lost in the black hole that is my garage…
    As far as LiLo goes, I don’t think that train wreck is going to derail anytime soon!

  18. I hope the prior owner of my house hasn’t installed those creepy hidden cameras in my walls and isn’t spying on me. ‘Cause he’d be getting a great view of me holding my womanlies and making an “oooch” face. And, not in a good way!

  19. “Womanlies” – oh Peeved, that’s gooooood! I believe that tape of you is already on the internet market – hahahaha 😉

  20. the comments are almost as fun to read as the blog post. Oh my…what pray tell are happy pants?

  21. Snark away. We all need to vent occasionally. Besides, LiLo is a hot mess and fun to watch. She’s like the next B. Spears. Lol. Is it wrong that they make me feel better about myself? 😉

  22. Hey Becky – no, it’s not wrong to feel fantastic when you see all the ridiculous behavior…snark, snark, snark 😉

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