The few brain cells I have left are in the snarky, pissy, fed-up-with-stupid department. Yeah, I’m fresh out of sunshine and looking for a rumble. Am stupefied by three things so far today:
- Lindsay Lohan is out of jail and rehab. That’s so terrific, she was there all of about 5 minutes. You professionals in charge of her in California are brainiacs and humanitarians. I’m sure she’s totally changed; why, she’s probably headed over to join an evangelical church community …. after she does her press round for an upcoming movie she’s in. Where she can turn her nose up at a handle, a bowl, a little rowdy powder. Because you have done such a fine job helping her. Wretched morons. The round, hairy blobs sitting on your necks are USELESS.
- This is true and repulsive on every level. Deal with it. A woman we will call Stupid Head needed a bikini wax. So she went to her nail salon. (First clue that things will not go well – unless she wanted a mani/pedi on her hooha). Stupid Head climbs up on the grotty pleather table, probably purloined from Dr. Demento, and shows her stuff to the “technician” (this word is used very loosely). Scald, press, rip. Scald, press, rip. And Stupid Head is outta there, feeling lighter (skin loss) and smarter than everyone else (she got a bikini wax for 1/24th of what the normal cost is). Well, Miss I’m-So-Thrifty should have held off celebrating. She got a flesh-eating disease in her privacy (oh, I could do so much with this). A couple thousand dollars later, she was cured. There’s no telling what the state of her leg union is, but I don’t want to know. And I can’t leave you with that bad visual, so I’ll tell you how stupid I am (do not agree with me under any circumstances; you’ve been warned).
- It took me two years to buy some replacement bags for my vacuum cleaner. Mind you, I don’t use it but I pay someone else to because I recognize where I am challenged. Plus, I could learn a thing or two from her as she makes much more $$$ than I do. But I digress. She’s been using an extra vacuum she has – for two years. Yes, I am a procrastinator of the highest order. Or a lazy slug. Take your pick. I will say the stupid cleaner bags were so obscure I had to go over the river and through the woods, up the down staircase, and around the bend to find them. But that was ridiculous. Maybe I should move to California and run rehab facilities … or the court.
I needed that. But it isn’t enough. I need to go visit my parents before they leave on a trip. And I have to put on my happy pants. But I can’t find them. Would rather bite the heads off small … nevermind, if I say what I’m thinking, I’ll end up doing the rest of Lohan’s jail and rehab time. So I’ll just bite the heads off a few Barbies ….