Torture on Tuesday: A Visit to the Dentist

Who likes to go the dentist?


Not me! And I like my dentist; he’s been a friend of mine since  high school. And he’s good – and gentle – at what he does.

I don’t care how you “dress up” and modernize dental offices and equipment … it’s still like putting makeup on a pig. A total waste of time, I say, to fluff up a torture chamber. It is what it is. And I love all the perky, hands-on dental assistants; they are kind, they are reassuring, they are happy they are not in that chair. Or paying that bill.

I’ve hated going to the dentist since I was six. Dr. Monster Head told my mother I needed to have my front right baby tooth pulled so the big one could come in. The front baby tooth was not ready to come out. MH said to look at his crappy wallpaper and pretend I was watching cartoons. While he yanked and yanked and yanked on the poor little tooth that didn’t want to come out yet. I HATE cartoons to this day because of his bad bs. He finally got the tooth out. 

I walked around like a gap-toothed hooligan for a year. Then, my mother dragged me back to his office (there are still skid marks my heels made in his parking lot). Seems that Dr. Stupid S*&t made a mistake. I had no right front tooth. So he designed a clever retainer for me; one that was all pink and shiny and had one fake front tooth on it. Lovely. It plugged the gap, sort of. Couple that weirdo denture with orthopedic high-heeled saddle oxfords x three years and you will know why I wasn’t part of the fast crowd in elementary school. The real tooth finally came in but I am forever scarred. And don’t even get me started on the Tooth Fairy. Meh!

This morning I found myself sitting in the dentist chair. Crown replacement. No frigging diamonds. Paid $5000 (long story) for this crown a couple of years ago. So this replacement was “free”. The staff outfitted me in dark black shades (splatter … barf), noise-blocking headphones (NOT), and put me in a chair position that can only be described as “yogic”.First they needed to make an impression that must have been wet concrete ; when I was told to open my mouth, it almost pulled the rest of my teeth out.

Then came the instruments; so many it looked like silver service for 12. Several professionals were on hand to manipulate all the torture devices. I couldn’t move due to all my accoutrement until I smelled something burning. Oh, that would be inside my mouth. Before I could jump up and run outta there, my phone rang. I could use my hands so I flipped it on and handed it to Dentist Friend. My mother was calling from Colorado to say they were having a wonderful time, my father was getting some oxygen at the moment as he was not taking the altitude so well, but they were having a wonderful time and would be home tomorrow. Lord a mercy, OXYGEN? And they’ve been there a week? I couldn’t talk, of course, so when the story was related to me, all I could do is roll my eyes. Which were invisible behind the black spatter shades.

One and a half hours later, I’m on my way with my faux crown. Which will be relinquished in a month for the real thing. Which means I have to go back. Which, for me, is sheer torture … sort of like pulling teeth.


38 thoughts on “Torture on Tuesday: A Visit to the Dentist

  1. OH MY GOSH! lol, I think I’ll keep my allergist experience compared to your dentist visits!

  2. “Then came the instruments; so many it looked like silver service for 12.” Best. Line. Ever. Jim muted the TV to ask me what I was laughing at…

    I knew we were “separated at birth”! I had a lift on one shoe (suede soles only!) throughout elementary school to compensate for a congenital hip defect. I also wore very fetching cat’s eye glasses, and was so skinny, I didn’t have boobs until I was sixteen! I wasn’t on the A List either…


    • Yep, Wendy, I’m sure of it now – I would have preferred the cat glasses to the one tooth retainer. Oh well – “our” mother always said, “it’s better to be a late bloomer than an early one.” And I’m just full of boobs – wear same bra I did in 8th grade. 🙂

  3. Egads! I HATED going to the dentist when I was a kid, too. I don’t numb easily, and my crappy dentist didn’t believe me. He went ahead and drilled anyway. Every time. It turns out, though, that modern dentists generally are a lot better, plus, they’ve got those suction tubes so you don’t have to spit. Also, free floss!

  4. OMW, I read this with dread … dentists scare me terribly!

  5. I hate the dentist. I have willed my teeth to behave just so I don’t have to go.

    • Hey yellowcat … yeah, well you are one lucky chica! I have good teeth but they just pull tricks on me. Expensive tricks. Expensive tricks that hurt. As a result, besides despising dental visits, I rant on the toothless all the time because teeth are available. One word: floss.

  6. “put me in a chair position that can only be described as “yogic”.” Hilarious!

    I’ve never had any major teeth (tooth?) issues so the dentist has never been anything more than a minor inconvenience to me. I’d rather go to the dentist every month than go to the Gyno once a year!

    • Oh my, Amy, I think I’d rather deliver a baby and go to the gyno every day for a week if that meant I never had to go to the dentist again. The only thing the dentist deal has going for it is that you can keep your legs together. 🙂

  7. Favourite part at dentist trying to talk to the dentist as he/she keeps putting cotton balls and metal instruments in your mouth.

    And, yet some dentists have been doing it so long, they can actually translate your gargle:

    Dentist: “So, how has your summer been?”

    Me: “Well it’s been really ga(&*%^**%*%^”

    Dentist: Great! No kidding you went on a road trip! And how about your work?

    Me: Well, it’s )&(**&%&^%&(^%^*^&

    Dentist: Yeah, I have my days too!

  8. Oh wow, that does not sound fun.

    I think the only thing that has saved the popularity of dentists through history was the invention of laughing gas.

  9. Oh, it was fun, SD … I got to bitch all day about it! I used to have to have laughing gas to have my teeth cleaned … hahaha, it didn’t hurt, I just liked all the brilliant ideas I came up with while under the influence … then promptly forgot. 🙂

  10. Blahaha a friend of mine had to have root canal 😦 . I was having a coffee with him about a month later and he was saying how he had to go back because the stitches weren’t dissolving. A few weeks later I caught up with him again and it seems they weren’t dissolvable stiches after all and they had to cut his gums open to remove the now embedded threads 😦 Did I tell you how much I hate dentists !!!!

  11. If there’s one thing I fear most, it is going to the dentist. Stories like this do nothing to alleviate those fears! 🙂 and $5,000 for a Crown?? Ouch!

  12. Ugh…I hate when they make impressions of my teeth. The ooze oozes into the back of my throat, making my gag. And then, like you said, they nearly pull my teeth out when they take it out.

  13. Ahhh this is a crazy story and a scary picture. I never liked dentist loll.. Thanks for sharing.

  14. I hate the dentist more than you could possibly imagine. I am a grown ass woman and I still get the lip trembles and teary eyes when I think about going. I think this has a lot to do with my dentist when I was a kid – he was an alcoholic – and when I saw that scraper coming towards my mouth in a trembling hand, I just wanted to run screaming from the room. *shudder*

    • Molly, I FEEL your pain. Maybe that stupid ass dentist that stole my front tooth was drunk – would be only excuse. I get so worked up I take every pill I can find before I go – obviously haven’t found anything other than Beano – meh!

  15. 8 cavities/crowns by age 8. Been there, done that. But oddly, it doesn’t freak me out as much as most folks I guess. Must be all the “practice” in my formative years.

    I’m in a bit of an disagreement with my current dentist (I’ll spare you the details) but it’s working out well actually: He can’t wait to get away from me (nor me from him) so he’s certainly not recommending any unnecessary procedures.


  16. my sister had a metal ring that was supposed to be fun playground equipment smack her in the face when she was 7 taking out both front teeth. She’s been though similar trials over the years keeping her smile up-to-date. WOW. I’m so sorry that is just no fun at all.

  17. Please blog something new so that the lovely dental torture will go further down the screen! It’s making my teeth hurt just looking at it! 🙂

  18. Wait… you paid $5,000 for ONE crown?! Please tell me how this is possible…

  19. I don’t care how you “dress up” and modernize dental offices and equipment … it’s still like putting makeup on a pig. A total waste of time, I say, to fluff up a torture chamber. It is what it is. And I love all the perky, hands-on dental assistants; they are kind, they are reassuring, they are happy they are not in that chair. Or paying that bill.

    Interesting take. However, most people prefer a nice office filled with comforting distraction…as long as the dentist is gentle and non-judgemental.

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