You need a WHAT????????

True story:  Last night, Malibu took KK and me to dinner at a Mexican restaurant in our neighborhood. We had fun; hours of yakity yak. We called it quits and walked out of the restaurant, headed to our cars. Just then, a white car pulled up and parked within inches of us. A normal looking psycho guy jumped out.

Psycho: “I need a screw!”

Trio of us: “You need a what?

Psycho: “I need a screw!”

Me: “Well, you’re not gonna get one here. Are we being filmed?”

Psycho: ” No, I need a real specific screw. I’m gay. I was a contractor. I’m in from Dallas to go to the dentist (like they don’t have dentists in Dallas?). I’m gay so I don’t want to screw y’all; I need a certain kind of screw“. (A whole lot of TMI).

While Malibu attempted to direct him to the nearest Home Depot, which was already closed, his driver lurched out of the car and rounded the corner to address us. She was stoned out of her mind and had difficulty making words with her lips. Psycho told us she was a “retired” dentist.  She said she was currently a “mangoaergkuhdelrja;bfafebgoiha“. That means “jewelry maker” in too much nitrous oxide land.

In the meantime, Psycho declared to one and all that he was breaking up with his boyfriend; he liked women now. He whipped out his cell phone and showed us a picture of a naked girl in the shower. Which meant absolutely nothing. Except he’s also a perv.

 KK is too polite, so  sexually ambiguous Psycho put on his major flirt for her; he was not one minute cute. Malibu was trying to decode the “retired” dentist’s mishmash of noises. She was too young to retire; she obviously enjoyed her meds and was still working on her retirement cache. Whatever, it was time to GO.

As we walked away, Psycho hollered at us.

Are there any hookers at Home Depot?”

If there are, they’ll be in the nail department.”

Was last night the all-clear for insane asylums? Didn’t get that memo.


*We don’t look like hookers, collectively or individually. Just sayin’.*

19 thoughts on “You need a WHAT????????

  1. What a bizarre experience – and you are so funny! WHAT were they smoking?
    Sunshine xx

  2. Wow, Izzie…you’ve had a crazy couple of weeks…hope some degree of normalcy returns soon!


  3. Alrighty then! I would have definetly been looking for hidden cameras on that one! ๐Ÿ™‚ That takes the weird story of the day award!

  4. I think I would of went back inside and had another margarita! BTW: We are at the tail end of remodeling our house and I live at Home Depot (aka, Home Desperate) now I know why the hubs always needs nails ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. WTH?! It wasn’t even a full moon.

  6. This is disturbing. It reminds me of college though.

  7. Good grief, I have so many questions …

  8. You and me both, sister! But I really don’t want to know another morsel re: those two.

  9. That was hilarious. Okay I know it probably wasn’t at the time. In fact I probably would have been reaching for the closest blunt object, but in hindsight it’s pretty darn funny.

    Amazing that they actually leave the doors unlocked at the loony bin, eh?

  10. “Me: โ€œWell, youโ€™re not gonna get one here. Are we being filmed?โ€”

    LOL! At least you guys were on the ball with the comebacks! Most of the time when psychos or people blitzed out of their heads accost/talk to me, I never expect it and become tongue tied.

  11. Hey Pauline … usually am tongue-tied as well but this pair was so far gone/mentally – I had about an hour to reply! Ha! ๐Ÿ™‚

  12. That would have scared me to death. Back away from the crazy person slowly…. Run!

  13. Scary. Start carrying some mace w/ you if its legal at your state.

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