Ha Ha Holiday Treats. Really.

Forced out of my mole hole for five hours today, I did what anyone struggling in a recession wouldn’t do. I went shopping. Window shopping. It is of utmost importance to me that the holidays be fun this year. Or funny. So I looked for new gift items that might provoke at least a smile. All of my “finds” made me laugh. But then again, I wouldn’t be the poster girl woman for mental health.  Let’s see what you think:

 

Mr. Electronic Yodeling Pickle, $13.95, Whole Earth

When I walked into Whole Earth Provision Co., there was a yodeling pickle positioned everywhere I looked. What? I went to the counter and asked the register guy just what was the deal with the pickle? As he went to grab one and show me, two other staff members came running, just to see my reaction. HILARIOUS! This is one talented pickle, I’ll tell you. And, for the price of $13.95, you, too, can irritate friends and family for the next two months. Yodel-Ay-Eee-Ooo! is made by Accoutrements. That must be a seriously weird company. But probably a fun place to work.

 

Front of gum box

Back of gum box, $1.50

Feliz Navidad, y’all … who cares what the gum tastes like, the message is worth $1.50 (to me). The gum is made by Blue Q out of Canada. Those Canadians are a funny bunch. I also spotted this gum from the same company:

Don't Have Ugly Children beauty gum, $1.50

What more can I say? The tagline reads, “As used by the world’s most perfect families!” Obviously there is NO use for the gum, but it does have another tag, “It’s not a crime to be ugly”. Ha!

Bacon for boo boos, $5.50

These may be funny only to my eldest daughter. When my kids were little, I fed them turkey bacon. Just trying to be healthy. Which caused them to want to go to Grandmother’s house for breakfast, where my eldest would plead for “pig bacon”. While these bandages are a little steep, they are my mea culpa to her. Poor, unfortunate, deprived child. What is really gross is I had to choose between these and bacon soap. <running to bathroom to hurl>

Pig flashlight, priceless

Still tripping on the porcine theme, who doesn’t need a snorting pig flashlight? Made by Kikkerland, this handy tool would scare off the most hardened criminals. Right? I mean, dual nostril beams are menacing. Sort of?

Third in a series!

I. AM. SO. EXCITED. This, All New Letters From A Nut by Ted L. Nancy with Foreward by Jerry Seinfeld, is the third nut book. The first two made me cry, I was laughing so hard. And when guests came over and I read them excerpts, they cried, too. I can’t remember if they laughed. Anyway, it’s my assumption that Jerry is Ted Nancy; regardless, these letters are so stupid funny as are the replies from the real companies they address. If you like love Jerry Seinfeld‘s humor, go buy all three books and laugh yourself silly. Not a fan? Faggidaboutit.

 

Pretty much says it all

This uplifting message would be perfect posted in my kitchen. You like it, too? It’s hanging in my sister’s cantina. So it must be purloined. I know where she lives. So sad, too bad. Until she notices it is missing. Which will cause a family rift. I will be forbidden to celebrate in all festivities. Home alone, covered in bacon bandages, chewing party-in-my-pants gum, using my powerful pig flashlight to read nutty letters while a pickle yodels in the background. This scenario is could work…..

Enough. Am scaring myself.

Later.

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32 thoughts on “Ha Ha Holiday Treats. Really.

  1. I like the pig flashlight…one of my kids had a cow flashlight at some point…

    Hugs,
    Wendy

  2. Thanks! I now know exactly what to get my loved ones for their stockings!! heheheheh 🙂

    • Idiot, you simply must get the yodeling pickle. And read those books, if you haven’t. I hadn’t read the foreward (by JSeinfeld) when I posted; he all but outs himself as the author. So funny.

  3. Blahahaha Izzy, that yodeling pickle would go brill with my big mouth Billy bass singing fish!

    Psst You know what I do in times of recession? I pop myself down to a car dealership and test drive all the new cars . Sheez, sue me 🙂

  4. Hey, I have the exact same flashlight in my bag at all times!

  5. I.Want.That.Sign!

  6. The bacon bandages must have been inspired by Lady Gaga … how hilarious! I love all your ‘finds’ – they’re brilliant. Fun post!
    Sunshine xx

  7. Believe it or not, Sunshine, the bacon bandages appeared long before Gaga wore her meat costume. Maybe that’s where her idea came from. Happy weekend x iz

  8. The thing about the Letters from a Nut books is that people actually write him back. Someone gets paid to read to read those letters and compose a thoughtful reply (or at least decide which form letter to send). If you think about it, any company that would respond to Mr. Nancy must have pretty decent customer service.

    • You are right on point, Todd. I do think – if they get it – they are laughing so hard and have warm, fuzzy feelings for the insane Mr. Nancy and reply out of pity. But that’s just my thought.

  9. Beyond hilarious. Bacon bandages are the only item I was familiar with. I gave them to my daughter a couple years ago. Bravo to you for adding to my Chanukah/Christmas shopping list this year. So far, I only have a singing and dancing rabbi.

  10. “There’s a fiesta in my pants.” I love it!

    • Oh, thoughts, that is My Favorite! Am using it as my all-time excuse for everything. Late to work? Had a fiesta in my pants. Do me a favor? Nope, got a fiesta in my pants. Do you like this song? Can’t hear it, there’s a fiesta in my pants ……..!

  11. Can I add myself to your Christmas list? These are awesome finds. That Ugly Children gum cracks me up!

  12. The “Don’t have Ugly Children” gum is so going to be something I am adding to shower gifts. I actually know a few people that have already had “ugly babies” or as I call them “Winston Churchill look-a-likes” that I am giving to them for future pregnancies.
    When I was working in HR, one of my job duties was managed those that went out on any kind of medical leave. We had a lot of women that had babies. These employees and I would grow attached to each other since I think every pregnant woman is a sacred gift (and that was before I had kids). They would bring in the babies to show them off to me and my office mate across the hall would know if the kid was cute or a Winston Churchill, by my salutation to the kid. If it was cute (very rare occasion) I would say, “oh now let me hold that amazing and perfect peanut” if it was ugly, I would say “Oh, look at the baby!” Code for “office mate get over here and see the get your dose of birth control for the month.
    I was so afraid that I was going to have one of those babies because I was so bad about other people’s babies (still am). If I say they are cute, they are cute. If I focus on other things like feet, size, etc, then they are not cute. I will say I had a beautiful first child, but number two was my Winston Churchill (she now “cuting up”) and the hubs was so relieved when I told him the day after she was born, well I think we got our Winston Churchill (he was thinking the same thing). My OB about died when he came in to check on me a few days after delivery and he said oh, isn’t she cute? I told him, “really doc, she is Winston Chruchill!” He laughed and appreciated my honesty. Great POST!

    • Hahahahahaha! Winston Churchill, this is a great story,Piece. One of mine arrived with a triangle head; the other was a pair of eyes and a hank of hair (Cousin It). Thank God, the Good Fairy came along and beat both of them half to death with her beauty wand. When I am introduced to a new “Winston”, I tilt my head and say, “Lovely”.

  13. You can borrow some of my bacon flavored toothpicks if you like. I’ll share. (But keep your mitts of my pig bacon. Oink!)

  14. I’m thinking bacon. might buy the bandages for myself-men love me, I’ll smell like meat and some great hunk of a guy will be drawn to my scent and want to mate with me! Perfect! Even better than the bacon soap, which I’ve talked about on Delicacies as a natural lure as well.

    • Walker, while you are always brilliant, I would be remiss if I didn’t remind you that if you smell like meat, that great hunk of a guy would only find your bones as you would be attacked by small dogs and wolverines first. At the very least, you would be knocked down, which would be bad for your foot.

  15. I like the bacon bandages too because it’s got a prize inside. I like prizes. Plus, the bacon thing reminds me of Lady GaGa’s outfit a couple of months ago so it’s now all the rage. Lol.

  16. Fun stuff.
    At a store near us, they have a pig, horse, and cow flashlight.

  17. Where or where did you find such a store?? Awesome. 🙂

  18. Hey Teri! Found most of the stuff at Whole Earth Provision Co. but am positive Urban Outfitters would have some of it.

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