How I Lost 250+ Lbs and a Bunch of Other Stuff in One Easy Step

Good Grief! My mom just called to rehash how lucky I am to be “unencumbered” by last year’s Cooking Partner. Tell me something I don’t know.  I was just texting my locksmith about my new safety situation. Just in case. 

Didn’t plan on writing about this, but when the inspiration presents itself, a woman’s gotta do what a woman’s gotta do. If you are expecting me to call him a big, fat, lying, creepy, tightwad con job – forget it. I’m taking the high road.

This was Round 3 with him. Round 1 ended with me thinking, “Maybe he has some serious issues“. Plus, I was in no shape to even make a grocery list, much less deal with man troubles. Round 2 was a tie; it left me thinking, “Wow. I can’t deal with his serious issues. Have enough of my own, thank you very much!” Round 3 – which lasted about 11 confusing months – ended as the holidays started. And I thought and will think forever, “HE AIN’T RIGHT IN THE HEAD”. Shoo!

Family and friends have threatened intervention AND a good, long stay in a mental ward if ever I speak to him again. AS IF. But, considering I did go three rounds with him, I understand where they are coming from. But friends and family, you have my word, I’d date a greased pig before that would happen. Correction: the similarities between mr. loser and greased pig are way too close; I’d rather date a … a … I’d rather live with 500 cats and watch Grey Gardens over and over and over again. Capice?

Back to mother, her nicest comment regarding the human lugnut included, “I think he was two-timing you.” Ya think? Crossed my mind many moons ago; also crossed recreational fun and games right off my “to do with CP” list. So sad, too bad, love dad. Gah! Gak!

Oh, meh! My high road isn’t as high as I thought. Ending this right now so I will not get ugly.


*If anyone spots a large loser with an Oriental rug, new luggage, gourmet cooking skills, and a bunch of other good stuff, please make a citizen’s arrest. He is an inventory criminal. Just look for a big old boy wearing fake topsider Crocs as dress shoes. Air-conditioned shoes …SO not cool. Oh yeah, and donate my stuff to Goodwill. Merci!


37 thoughts on “How I Lost 250+ Lbs and a Bunch of Other Stuff in One Easy Step

  1. Good for you! If he comes knocking again, let me know, I will have Harem security escort him off the planet for you! πŸ™‚

  2. Harem security, Idiot, you get brillianter and brillianter. Don’t think I’ll have to call HS – he’s a bottom feeder and they tend to eat their own. πŸ™‚

  3. I think he dated my friend Susan.

  4. Crocs…ewwww!

    Glad you came to your senses, Izzie…sorry you had to endure that! I kissed a LOT of frogs before I found Jim!

    Onward and upward…you go, girl!


    • Lips out of order for time being … er, maybe not. Frog GPS on 24-hour alert. Crocs as a comfort shoe don’t bug me at all – but as a fake dress shoe? SPARE ME. xo iz

  5. Yikes! Good riddance.

  6. I know a man with cooking skills is extremely difficult to reject as though they come a dime a dozen, like there’s a line of ’em just waiting for you at your beck and call….so I can totally understand the 3 rounds it took to take him down! πŸ™‚

  7. As a spokesman for Union Local 1 Greased Gourmet Pigs, I wanted to say that we wish to distance ourselves from the forementioned CP. We feel he has misrepresented and tarnished the positive image that greased gourmet pigs have worked so hard to promote. We wouldn’t be caught dead in Crocs. Look for the union label when shopping for a genuine greased gourmet pig. Thank you.

    • Thank you, Brad, for making me laugh out loud this morning. Re: your union. Your clan was NEVER dissed as I mentioned a greased pig, not a greased GOURMET pig. The two are worlds apart. And, am a snotty little snark so I don’t shop for men; but I assure you, upon approach, I will scan for the union label BEFORE uttering a word. Hahahahaha!

      • Glad to hear I made you laugh, Izzie. As for shopping for men, I can’t picture you walking into your favorite watering hole, pointing at men – “I’ll take the tall brunette for afternoon drinks….” I believe you have more discriminating tastes.

  8. Oh, Iz, sounds as if you made the right choice; sorry it took so long, but things like that usually do. Flying solo isn’t easy (take it from me, I know!), but as my folks always said, “Better off happily single than unhappily married.” And Crocs?? Yuck — no fashion statement there!

    • You are correct on so many levels, Debbie. Unhappy marriage – been there, done that. Flying solo was hard for awhile, but it is wonderful when compared to dealing with bait camp rejects. As for Crocs and fashion – worlds apart. πŸ™‚

  9. The Idiot doesn’t need to send his harem. I’ll come over, hunt him down and punch him hard in the goolies.

    I’m saying nothing about the Crocs. I’m wearing my fleecy pink ones right now and Steve has on his grey ones. But it’s in our own home and we have to go in and out a lot into mud and back into the house – so they’re easy to slip on and off. OTHERWISE, Crocs not allowed!

    • EXACTLY, Lady! Crocs at home, no problemo! Love the punch in the goolies idea – but you would have a hell of a time finding those goolies. You are my #1 wingwoman, nonetheless. xo iz

  10. His momma dinna raise him right. Next!

    Holy hell, girl, I KNEW there was something afoot in your world for you to go mum for a while, but I had no idea what. Better ditching a dude than developing some medical malady anyday. It’s far easier to ditch a dude. πŸ™‚

    Plus it’s a good excuse for either a) ditching the inventory you probably wanted to replace anyway (but dammit, it still functioned so you couldn’t bring youself to DO it) or b) retail therapy. (Whether vintage, or new, or yard sale, or mom’s attic, whatever.)

    Wait a minute…. Scratch that OR. Make it AND.

    • Hey Girlie! Re: your first comment … you have NO idea. And I wasn’t mum due to his lojinks, am busy trying to get biz on track (alimony over in Feb). Really didn’t want any of the stuff I gave him and if he carted off extra, I don’t miss it. Or him. πŸ™‚

  11. OK, the line about wearing Crocs as dress shoes made me laugh. (That was a joke, right? I mean, you were exaggerating for comedic effect, right? No one would really wear … really? You’re serious?)

    • Nooooooooooooooo, Toddman, no exaggeration sorry to say. I was trying to be open minded and non-judgemental and who cares about everything. But it was either Crocs or prehistoric mandals. Excuse me for being horrid and judgemental but it doesn’t cost extra to dress properly. Eeewwww, just the thought of the mandals is giving me the icks. Running for medicine cabinet….

  12. must be that time of the month for getting rid of no good rubbish!

    haha with me – at least i was probably saved from a guy like this..but ill never know cause he friggin rejected me…haha probably a blessing in disguise.

    we need to go on a girls night men…just to have some fun and lots of good drinks and laughter (about the idiots who we have encountered).

  13. Blahahahahhaa , “I’d rather live with 500 cats and watch Grey Gardens over and over and over again”….that bad huh? I think god allows all woman 1 loser per lifetime, OK, maybe 3, but anywho, one down πŸ™‚

    • Loon, thank goodness – I’m over my lifetime limit. As for the loser bin, I think Steven Pearl has channeled my thoughts: “I can’t believe that out of 10,000 sperm, you were the quickest!”

    • 1 loser??/ loon you havent dated much have u?
      1 loser in a lifetime of a woman would be a welcome blessing..even something to look forward to… 3?? 3 would stil lbe tolerable and even comical…but trust me…there are more than that in the average womans life time lol

  14. Apparently he really gets around, cause I’d swear he dated my sister, also! Yikes! Shall I send one of my armed guards here in Haiti to intervene on your behalf?
    Safe in Port-au-Prince,

    • Hey Kathy, so glad you are safe in PaP! No need to send armed guards although I appreciate the offer. Ugh, unfortunately his kind mutates all over the place; losers should come with a warning label. *iz

  15. Good riddance 😦

  16. Glad to hear you’re out of a bad situation! The third breakup is always final. I know from personal experience.

  17. Goooood Gawd, I will from now on carry a pair of handcuffs with me everywhere I go. Just in case. Make sure they are pink fluffy ones for the humiliation factor when I attach him to a lamppost.

    Sorry to hear that. It’s easier to see the sun when the cloud’s gone though πŸ™‚

  18. Maybe you should come up with a candle sent that changes to the smell of a rat (not sure what that smell would be, maybe garbage) that when you light up and a β€œrat” is present. πŸ™‚ Now that would put you on the map! I know tons of women and men that would but that! πŸ™‚

  19. Kudos to being strong, sometimes it’s easier to stay in misery than to leap into an unknown. Enjoy your beautiful new year, with a fresh start!

  20. OH, NO!!!! I’m so very sorry.. I’ve done the ‘third time is a charm ‘ thing myself twice now.. and Geez… it sucks. I’ve been over here bitching and moaning about my man life as well…on my new anony blog so I can get right to the heart of it.
    We single chicks need to commiserate! again… and again….and again!
    Sending you some loving thoughts!

  21. Back at you, Walker! Don’t be sorry for me -he’s a sorry POS but I’m not sad a minute. Now, the way he handled things, unbeknownest to me – that sucks. Live and learn. Sending those loving thoughts right back at you, sister xo iz

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