A Crock of …


I wish I had his shirt. Not his shit, just the shirt.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I’ll write. If you are coming late to the party, I absolutely DO NOT  nor have I ever had any interest in online dating. Soooo happy for all the happy couples who met that way. So glad it works for so many. So glad if you like lima beans. I don’t. And that is my prerogative. Online dating + me = NO FRIGGING WAY. Which makes the next part of this story ironic.

Stuck in the house like the rest of the country, I’m on the computer … a lot. Oh boy, here’s a free personality test. I love those, I mean, there is always room for improvement, right? It started out simply … no real names, interests, yada yada … and before I knew it, I was in a bait-and-switch operation, on an online dating site. Ok, screw you, scammers. So I filled in their questions with some real and many false answers.

  • Do you smoke? Constantly!
  • How many drinks do you have per week? Can’t count that high.
  • Education level? Forth fOrt fourth grade
  • Income? ( -$150,000.79) that would be negative
  • Favorite music? Appalachian garage bands
  • Your idea of a great date? Get stinking drunk, throw up on the beach, start drinking again, get arrested.

Then there was a spot where you had to write 200 words about yourself. I typed “Blah” until it reached the stopping point. No photo, nothing. Next thing I know, an email address I have reserved for “trash” is full of creepy “matches”. DELETE. And they just kept coming. DELETE x 30. Really. I assure you, with the information I provided, a man would have to be a psychopath to want to “chat”. Psychopath is so last year. Really.

Had to make all sorts of threats to the administrators of the site to remove myself. I never “joined” or paid a dime. So, my inadvertent and very brief experience with online dating was over before it ever got started. Thank God.

Today, Lady Di sent me an email. She has a precious friend in Arizona who does use one of those sites. The email included her friends’ new “matches”. I almost started crying for her and I don’t even know her. Never have I seen a more motley crew of Eeyores. I know it is shallow to judge anyone, especially by photo. But if these poor souls were putting their best face forward, well, it can best be described as desperate Photoshop situation.

If it’s not organic, I don’t want to play. Which brings many “tsk tsks” from well-meaning friends; the few who haven’t given up on me as a “hopeless case”. After my divorce, I was with a group of women and we were talking about dating. Out of eight, two of us were single. When I said  it was rather difficult to meet nice people, one of the women turned to me and said, “You had your chance and you blew it. That part of your life is over”. Meaning, because my marriage didn’t last, there was absolutely no reason to consider another relationship. Ever.

Hmmm. That comment knocked the wind out of me. I’ve made peace with her and her comment; I make daily peace with the fact that all circumstances indicate she’s right. At least she didn’t say, “Good things come to those who wait” or any of the other platitudes that do more harm than good. And this is the part where I say …. WHATEVER. Enough.

In the WTF department: just stepped outside to turn on a light and A BIRD SHAT ON MY HEAD. This is getting ridiculous. First my wrist, then my chesticle, now my head. Surely someone can find some meaning in this other than I am a bird shit magnet. Aggghhhhhhhhh!

Stay warm. It is colder here in Texas than it is in Alaska right now.

Later. Maybe.



37 thoughts on “A Crock of …

  1. Great post! How freaky about the quiz/online dating thing–talk about SCARY! You know it would make an hysterical blog for someone to assume a false idenity, solicit emails (but only to an account set up for that purpose) and then share the kinds of things these “men” actually say. It would probably be wrong–very wrong–but too funny! I know it’s bad of me to suggest such a thing–but, good God, there are some real nut cases out there! And I think women would read and DIE laughing!
    from Haiti,

  2. Bird shit on your head! That’s the best luck of all! And on Chinese New Year–you’re entering a really good moon phase I just know it~

  3. Is that your weekly or monthly income? Hell, I’d date you …

  4. Oh deary me, that woman with that comment…in Sweden they used to wash naughty kids’ mouths with soap back in the stone age. Maybe it should be reintroduced??? Srsly!!! =-o

  5. LMAO! Hm, I don’t know much about online dating as I met my friends at school, but I do have to say that the “friend” who put you down is not really a good friend. Sounds like someone’s jealous. There’s tough love and honesty and there’s cattiness. Maybe I am reading the context incorrectly but it sounds rather like the latter to me. And to think…maybe the birds just wanted to let you know that you are special and wonderful…in their own unique way of course. Happy weekend and stay warm!

    • Hey, FT! I really don’t know anything about it except for the horror stories friends have told. My friend says it like she sees it; am not totally convinced she knows the weight of words. Love you for the bird outlook! You have a happy weekend. It’s “The Shining” around here!

  6. Well … I must say that I enjoyed your rant – but I’m smart enough not to say anything else because I don’t want my head serve on a platter.

  7. That lady who said that…so rude. What a…you know the word I’m looking for.

    Bird crap again? Really? Never go outside again. Ever. Is it the same bird? Maybe you pissed it off.

    • Thoughts, it was rude but you know how stuff just flies out of your mouth, especially after a barrel of wine? Yes, the bird thing has gotten disturbing. The city is literally shut down, all self-respecting birds are in their nests, I walk outside and a rogue bird lets it go. Sheesh.

  8. So…can you recommend any good Appalachian garage bands? I need one for the wedding to the guy I met online almost three years ago…(I love lima beans too!). Maybe you could start using a parasol when you go outside…bring back a fashion tradition, and protect your body parts from bird poop (if it makes you feel any better, I bounced a bagel spread with blueberry jam off my right knee this morning…stickiness went right through my jeans…I had to change my pants!). Okay…I’ll quit teasing you now…

    I miss you, Izzie! Sending you big Hammond River hugs!


  9. Oh, Izzie, every time I hear that TV ad claiming that 1 in 5 adults now finds a mate (or some such nonsense) online, I want to gag! And every time well-meaning friends offer to set me up or press me as to when I’m going to re-marry, I turn them a deaf ear. There are soooo many creeps, losers, and flat-out dangerous people out there; at least you can wash bird-poop off!!

  10. Re-reading my first comment, I was probably a little harsh. I understand that some people have found their soul-mate through online dating sites and I congratulate them, but it’s just not for me. I can’t shake the notion of how many creeps, losers, and flat-out dangerous people can hide behind a computer; at least you can wash bird-poop off!

  11. Several years ago, a friend created a phony profile that was hilarious (24 year old 5’8″ redhead with killer body but no brains who likes to make love in front of a fire wants to meet a totally ordinary, not rich guy 40 years old who doesn’t do much of anything). The emails stared pouring in. My friend kept explaining to the guys that the woman was fictitous and a lot of the guys wrote “No she isn’t. Let’s meet.”

  12. Uh-oh….. Do I need to change your nickname to “shat magnet”?…. Appalachian Garage bands instantly endeared you to the singles working in Wal-Mart Tire shops all across the country….. 🙂 No wonder you got deluged with e-mails.

  13. I have learned that people claim to want a stable and romantic person in a relationship but what everyone really wants is a total psychopath. This phenomenon has worked in my favor time and time again. I am absolutely certain that these “matches” were actual human beings dying to be with you based upon your personality test.

  14. I needed to laugh today and your post got me going. Funny, witty, totally Izzie!

  15. If that woman had said that to me, every part of her life would have been over right then and there. Geesh!
    I do feel for you. It is hard to meet nice people, whether you’re looking for a guy to date or even a gal to hang out with (why are so many women soooo freakin’ crazy?). I don’t have many close friends, but I treasure them because normal, nice people are so hard to find.
    And, seriously, what is it with you and birds? I don’t know if you should call a priest or buy a lottery ticket. Maybe both.

    • Thanks, Amy! I’m fine. I don’t want to meet anyone; considering past history I’m fine and dandy with me, myself, and I. And my dog. Priest and lottery ticket – very good idea.

  16. People, you are doing it all wrong….here’s dating advice from the Loon. Go and enroll in things you love doing eg painting, sky diving, cat coat knitting. Somewhere in those crazy bunch of people is probably your perfect match or at least someone who can hook you up with a like minded “potential”. A shared common interest is a good starting point. Oh and try finding groups that are uni-sex for goodness sakes….like wine tasting or motor mechanics 101. AVOID CRUISES!!!!

    Psst Also avoid men with gold bands on finger!

  17. You must send me a copy of the Appalachian garage bands!

  18. Wow! Your idea of a great date is the same as mine! HAHAHAHA!

    One year the kids and I were snowed in, DVD player wasn’t working and we had nothing to do. I mentioned reading the personals were always good for a laugh so we went to one of the online sites. What followed was probably one of the best nights of pee-your-pants laughter ever found in my house. Between the photos and the desperate messages we were in stitches for hours. Ah…good times.

  19. Good times, indeed, YC! Sort of the current version of prank phone calls.

  20. One of the questions is “Do you have a car?”. Thats a good one. Your post reminds me I need to write up the list of questions eHarmony asks. I have my own “translations” of what they’re really asking.

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