Underwear Fail, Tribal Insanity, and Some Other Stuff

Today I am blaming EVERYTHING on Sean Kingston. For the life of me, I can’t get that 911 song out of my head. Nor can I get the lyrics right. I thought he was singing, “Someone call 911, Shortie’s on fire on the dance floor”. Looked lyrics up and they are, “Somebody call 911, Shawty fire burning on the dance floor”. What the hell is a “Shawty“? So I had to google that as well; a shawty is a “fine woman”. Hating on that whole situation. But let me share some more.

Underwear Fail  Seated around a restaurant dinner table with mixed company, this was the convo:

Bare Bottom: “I have to go put on some underpants. I forgot I didn’t have any on.”

Me: “YOU DON’T HAVE UNDERWEAR ON? DON’T CALL THEM “UNDERPANTS”; THOSE ARE FOR MEN. WHERE IS YOUR UNDERWEAR?”

Bare Bottom: Left’em in the car hours ago. Just bought some around the corner. Where’s the restroom?”

Just like that – stomping around a windy city for hours, in a dress and no panties – and it takes 5 hours to figure it out?  That, my friends, is typical dinner conversation around these parts. Would say we are a pack of toothless, inbred  hillbillies if not for my mother’s recent convos.

Mama Says – After reminding me what my middle name was (not that I asked), she said “Five of our family members signed the Magna Carta“. Ok, so we might be toothless and inbred. When I went to visit my Dad today, she said, in this order, “Get a job. Your hair needs a trim. I’m exhausted.” Well, hello to you, too, Mrs. Happy Pants. I make myself scarce and go find my Dad.

Daddy Says – Let me give you a little “dad” info. Mine speaks in quotes, a lot. “She looks like 40 miles of bad road”, “That dog won’t hunt”, and “I am NOT a rich man” frequently pepper many a chat. When I saw him today, he was stoned out of his gourd, but he did ask me the same question he asks me every day. I’ve told him the long-winded answer. Every day. Except today. “What is the graduate doing?”. My answer – one word. “Plastics.” Which made perfect sense to him after a Vicodin cocktail. Thinking about all his ‘isms made me think of some other ‘isms my friends use.

Friends Say – The ones that come to mind include Jeez o’peep, Lawd A’Mercy, Reeeeeeally?, and one I’ve yet to figure out, “F*^k me running”. Could that be the same as “Cool Running”? Don’t know, can’t get a bead on that visual. Then I remembered what we would say in middle school when mad at one another. Start low, end high. “Get so mad, would ‘ya? Yes, I will, thank ‘ya”. Somehow, this stroll down short memory lane reminded me of what I just read.

WHAT I JUST READ

  • WHY DOES A PSYCHIC HAVE TO ASK YOUR NAME?”
  • “HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN YOU ARE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?”
  • “WHY IS THE NEEDLE STERILIZED FOR A LETHAL INJECTION?”
  • “SILLY CYCLIST … STEROIDS ARE FOR BALLPLAYERS!”

Wow.I am scaring myself. Would go find an adult refreshment but, whoops, ex-housekeeper drained liquor cabinet. Instead, I’ll just go all optimistic here!  Winner, Winner! It’s a Charlie Sheen day! Now where is that Dragon Blood?

Later. Maybe. Probably.

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24 thoughts on “Underwear Fail, Tribal Insanity, and Some Other Stuff

  1. Iz….u crack me up! 🙂

  2. You’re too funny Izzie. You never fail to make me smile! 🙂

  3. Omg! I don’t even know what to say about your friend Bare Bottom! How do you not know you are not wearing any? Lol! Anyway, at least your ex-housekeeper was hard at work drinking your cabinet clean and not doing something else a la Arnold S. household. Poor Maria! 😦

    • FT – it would have taken an act of God for drunk housekeeper to pull an Arnold – in a household of women 🙂 She could have left me an ounce of vodka, gin, tequila, scotch,or bourbon. Happy to report, she didn’t like wine. Neither do I 😦

  4. I love your rants…Dad sayings…and reference to middle school mud slinging. I sure hear a whole lot of that…none of which I dare repeat online 🙂

    Thanks for the cheering up!

  5. I like how your friend was completely blase about forgetting to wear underwear, like it happens all the time so what’s the big deal. That’s funny.

    • Well, Hello Mr. Freshly Pressed x 100! Rah for you! Yeah, I’m still wondering how – if you remove said undies in your car – you would not replace them before getting out of it and taking on the evening. Good grief.

  6. Grinning and ready for an adult beverage now……..fully stocked here.

  7. Sounds like your mom could use a drink too 😉

    • Ah,cin – GREAT IDEA! I will spike her tea with Vodka when I visit today. And just tell her our water system has changed and this is the “new” water. You are, as always, brilliant!

  8. I like your version of the 911 song better.

  9. Izzy,
    Whew … you were on a roll on this one. Outstanding whit … and I hope you found a drink while I was at a wine tasting.Cheers.

  10. Club soda, vodka, and cinnamon schnapps?

    The goat belongs to John’s neighbor, thus John mentions him in comments. He was kind enough to submit to picture to me, so hey, why not have some fun – and he agreed.

    BTW … an FYI – I seem to slip (a lot) with Izzy (instead of Izzie) … Being in Cincinnati, here’s my excuse.
    http://izzys.com/

  11. Oh dear, Izzie…I still can’t get past the girl with no underwear…wondering why she would take them off? In the car?

    I did a double take when you said your dad was stoned…then I remembered his surgery…

    I can never understand the lyrics of modern music…I’m hopeless…

    Hugs,
    Wendy

  12. I asked my son who “shorty” is and why everyone seems to be singing about him. My son just stared at me. I thought it was a code name for some gangsta’s weiner.

  13. You know, and I say this only because I care, there are some decaffinated options out there today that are just as tasty as the real thing.

    (Movie quote, infinity bonus points and bragging rights if you know the movie.)

    But really. Try decaf dear. We all care.

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