Today I am blaming EVERYTHING on Sean Kingston. For the life of me, I can’t get that 911 song out of my head. Nor can I get the lyrics right. I thought he was singing, “Someone call 911, Shortie’s on fire on the dance floor”. Looked lyrics up and they are, “Somebody call 911, Shawty fire burning on the dance floor”. What the hell is a “Shawty“? So I had to google that as well; a shawty is a “fine woman”. Hating on that whole situation. But let me share some more.
Underwear Fail – Seated around a restaurant dinner table with mixed company, this was the convo:
Bare Bottom: “I have to go put on some underpants. I forgot I didn’t have any on.”
Me: “YOU DON’T HAVE UNDERWEAR ON? DON’T CALL THEM “UNDERPANTS”; THOSE ARE FOR MEN. WHERE IS YOUR UNDERWEAR?”
Bare Bottom: “Left’em in the car hours ago. Just bought some around the corner. Where’s the restroom?”
Just like that – stomping around a windy city for hours, in a dress and no panties – and it takes 5 hours to figure it out? That, my friends, is typical dinner conversation around these parts. Would say we are a pack of toothless, inbred hillbillies if not for my mother’s recent convos.
Mama Says – After reminding me what my middle name was (not that I asked), she said “Five of our family members signed the Magna Carta“. Ok, so we might be toothless and inbred. When I went to visit my Dad today, she said, in this order, “Get a job. Your hair needs a trim. I’m exhausted.” Well, hello to you, too, Mrs. Happy Pants. I make myself scarce and go find my Dad.
Daddy Says – Let me give you a little “dad” info. Mine speaks in quotes, a lot. “She looks like 40 miles of bad road”, “That dog won’t hunt”, and “I am NOT a rich man” frequently pepper many a chat. When I saw him today, he was stoned out of his gourd, but he did ask me the same question he asks me every day. I’ve told him the long-winded answer. Every day. Except today. “What is the graduate doing?”. My answer – one word. “Plastics.” Which made perfect sense to him after a Vicodin cocktail. Thinking about all his ‘isms made me think of some other ‘isms my friends use.
Friends Say – The ones that come to mind include Jeez o’peep, Lawd A’Mercy, Reeeeeeally?, and one I’ve yet to figure out, “F*^k me running”. Could that be the same as “Cool Running”? Don’t know, can’t get a bead on that visual. Then I remembered what we would say in middle school when mad at one another. Start low, end high. “Get so mad, would ‘ya? Yes, I will, thank ‘ya”. Somehow, this stroll down short memory lane reminded me of what I just read.
WHAT I JUST READ
“WHY DOES A PSYCHIC HAVE TO ASK YOUR NAME?”
“HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN YOU ARE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?”
“WHY IS THE NEEDLE STERILIZED FOR A LETHAL INJECTION?”
“SILLY CYCLIST … STEROIDS ARE FOR BALLPLAYERS!”
Wow.I am scaring myself. Would go find an adult refreshment but, whoops, ex-housekeeper drained liquor cabinet. Instead, I’ll just go all optimistic here! Winner, Winner! It’s a Charlie Sheen day! Now where is that Dragon Blood?
Later. Maybe. Probably.