Throw Some Water On Me!

 I am melting. Along with the rest of the city, state, country, world.

When you wake up early and the temperature is 97-degrees, it’s hot. When 80-degrees indoors feels decadently delicious, it’s damn hot.

Spent four days in Oxford, Mississippi last week. I met with friends for breakfast one morning. Afterwards, we walked all over Oxford. I was dressed for breakfast, not for walking tour. My wardrobe never crossed my mind until we were halfway between here and hell. My jeans felt like they were made of aluminum wool. As did my shirt and sports bra. Tom’s are great shoes; they are not walking- for- 100- miles shoes. When we finally made it back to the MoJo (sort of hotel/motel facility), I drank any and everything in my room. Couldn’t get those jeans and shirt off fast enough. Turned the AC to zero and collapsed on the bed. I got up only when my body temperature reached a normal range. Lo and behold, when I looked back at the bed, it was a Shroud of Turin situation – had the shrouded person worn an electic orange sports bra. Whole body imprint. That, my friends, is HOT.

As I can think of nothing else, I’m offering my favorite “heat” sayings; am too hot to care what you do with them.

Hotter than…

  • “… a pair of sweat pants full of barbecue”
  • “… a whore house on nickel night”
  • “… a June bride on a feather bed”
  • “… two rats having sex in a wool sock”

It’s so hot that…

  • “… the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs”
  • “I saw two trees fighting over a dog”
  • “I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog”

In keeping with the dog theme, mine is apparently allergic to the heat. Each time I try to take him out (as in “do your business, damn it”), he runs. If I can catch him and drag him toward the door, he gives me the same look. The look that says, “Hey, Lady – are you kidding me? I’m wearing a fur coat!”.

Anyone know a good carpet cleaner?

Later. Maybe. After I move to Iceland. But I’m too hot to pack. Never mind.


27 thoughts on “Throw Some Water On Me!

  1. I’d hose you down, but our water pipes are frozen …

  2. Can I come over and put my forehead on the frozen pipes?

  3. I thought Cincinnati gets heat and humidity …. but then I went to South Florida in July and Houston in August. in other words … I feel your pain about heat. Meanwhile, and more importantly, it’s good to have you back in the posting saddle.

  4. I got prickly heat just reading your post. And I fear that two rats having sex in a wool sock has now been chisled into my brain.

    • Really, it’s so hot there are no cars or people on the street. Yeah, would have been grossed out by rats in sock if I didn’t have a window facing outside where birds like to have orgies. Not a good visual.

  5. I feel your pain. We went to Savannah last summer and tried walking around the squares when it was 114 degrees. Pretty town, but don’t go there in August.

  6. I’m sooo sorry you’re sweltering! I remember HOT from when I lived in Texas (and don’t give me any sass about it being a “dry” heat ‘cos it’s not!) We’ve been having a cool spell — 70s days and 50s evenings. Frequent cold fronts during the summer are what make the Midwest bearable. Tell ya what — I’ll try to shoo some your way!

    • OK, Ms. Deb – we’ll agree to disagree sort of. The heat in and around Dallas is dryer therefore HOTTER than the heat here – it’s so humid here, the sweat is sort of cooling. But you know of what we both speak. Am a jealous wreck over your temps; please shoo with all your might … speaking of, hope you have recovered!

  7. orange sports bra? wow….. just wait til you get menopausal…then the heat becomes akin to the ultimate torture. Not that you really wanted to hear that, but………….

  8. Hahaha, it was 108 here today! But you know what all those morons say ‘at least it’s a dry heat’ ….. whatever. Hot is HOT!

  9. Oh, I feel so bad for you right now. I hope you make some sweet tea with lemons and try to stay out of the sun. 🙂 By the way, I am allergic to the heat too. I would rather go somewhere cold than somewhere hot. Hello Iceland! Lol.

  10. It was crazy hot here last week. 100 degrees! Ewwww….

  11. I think I should clarify my “Like.” I like that you wrote “It was so hot that two trees were fighting over a dog.” I do not like that it was so hot.

  12. I just returned from five days in Dallas which seemed HOT to me. Too hot. I could have done a whole body imprint but I never got out of the pool during daylight hours.

  13. I keep saying “hot as balls”, but it on occasion gets me a raised eyebrow.

  14. I feel your pain, Izzie…I don’t miss those 95-degree Ohio days one bit! A “hot day” here is 85-90, and it doesn’t happen very often, thank goodness!

    Love your expressions…hadn’t heard most of them!


  15. It’s finally warming up here. I may actually have to break out the A/C by July.

  16. aluminum wool conjures up just the right image I’m afraid. UCK. I hate it when I get out of the shower and my body is already sweaty before I even dry off properly. SUMMER is here. I love the long lazy days but could do without the heat too!

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