Plastic Surgeon FREAKED Me Out

I went to see the best plastic surgeon in town … on a lark. If you had access to my bank statements, you’d know it was a lark. I’m a cat, curious and skittish. But more curious. And I wanted to see what this man would say to me. He’s known for “Sleeping Beauties”, performing facial surgery on women who, when recovered, look like they’ve had the best rest ever. And they don’t have those crazy Jack Nicholson eyebrows – the first tipoff that somebody’s been under the knife.

Made a consultation appointment and appeared at the correct time. After very little paperwork, I was ushered into surgeon’s office. He was nice. But he’s in his seventies and had no grey hair and very few wrinkles. Oh yeah, he’s a plastic surgeon. And here’s how it went:

Doc: “What are you here for?”

Me: “Well, you have an excellent reputation and I’ve admired your work. Am not loving the fine lines around my mouth and wanted to know what you would do?” (Why does he keep putting his left hand under his desk?)

Doc: “Well, you have a long neck so I would do a neck somethingorother and then a midline facelift. You don’t need body work.” (How would you know? I’m fully clothed sitting across the desk from you.)

Me: “My neck? Facelift? Draw me a picture.” (And stop putting your hand under the desk)

He proceeded to draw the scariest picture of the side of a head with stitches and scars everywhere. Enough!

Me: “That looks terrifying, not to mention the recovery would be heinous.”

Doc: “I’ll throw in the upper eyelids for $1000.”

Me: “Upper eyelids … I don’t even wear mascara. What? Forget the eyes, how much for the stuff you suggested?”

Doc: “blablablablablabla”.

Me: “So you’re talking $20,000 walking? Are you f-ing kidding me? No offense, and I realize it’s your job, but ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”

Doc: “No, and you’ll probably need tweaking in about eight years. Show me your stomach.”

Like a moron, I pulled up my shirt and showed him my stomach. What in the living hell did a midline facelift+ have to do with my stomach? I must be on Candid Camera.

Me: “Thank you for your time. You’ve confirmed my intention to age gracefully = no knives near me unless eating. But good luck – for every one of me, there’s ten you”ll “fix”. Yeah, you!”

And for the record, Dr. Demento, keep your hands where I can see’em AND hahaha, my stomach is none of your business, surgically speaking.

Oh, and if I decide to take him up on his offer in the next year, my consultation fee will be deducted from the 20K. I have happily eaten $75 with my own knife and fork.


*Unlike Nora Ephron, I feel great about my neck!

8 thoughts on “Plastic Surgeon FREAKED Me Out

  1. Okay – that was a fun ride. 🙂

    I’ve seen a lot of scary examples where women have had some work done – and it *shows*. Some of them are downright scary – but they think they look good, so I suppose that’s okay.

    I don’t blame you for wondering about that wandering hand. Of course I’d have been all up in his face about it.

    “Hey doc! What are you doing down there? Got an itchy leg or something?” Then I’d lean across his desk and stare at him, mean and bug-eyed. “Or SOMETHING”

    Yeah, I’d show him what “crazy” looks like. 🙂

    The really bad guys can hide it well though. I used to see a neurologist for a migraine problem. Told a detective friend about him – and he said “oh him? He’s not practicing anymore. Got charged with patient abuse. Did he ever do anything fishy to you? He liked guys, you know.”

    Freaked. Me. Out.

    And after I got done hyperventilating, I realized I was a little offended. He never did anything untoward me. At all. Guess I wasn’t his type.

    • Hey Wolf! Thank God you weren’t his type! Did you ever get help for your migraines? I’ve heard of people having Botox in their temples to help. Yeah, this doc creeped me out – I knew he was “adjusting” himself – how professional! And he’d already called me “thin” so there was NO reason to ask to see my stomach. Should I ever see him again, I WILL get in his face – but it’s plastic ;(

  2. Sounds like the way every consultation like that goes. Can you imagine if he actually saw your entire body, close up and personal? You’d be advised to have surgery on every single body part and some parts you don’t even have.

    • Hey Renee! First and last time I have a consultation. And he asked to see my stomach AFTER seeing I didn’t have one in the first place. Sick, sick, SICK! The whole thing makes me sick. Over to visit you soon – 🙂 x iz

  3. Oh how they want to get someone on the plastic Merry Go Round … every seven years? Great in 25 years one will have the “don’t tap, ready to crack” look. Great read Izzy!

  4. No freaking way! My mom’s friend had a face lift and they quite literally cut her face off, stretched it out and stapled it back to her head. It took her a year to stop looking as if someone ripped her face off. She’s just a few years older than I am yet even after the lift, she looks at least 10 years older than I do.

    A cute hairstyle, good moisturizer and really good make up can do a lot more than cutting and yanking. Just saying…

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