Ha Ha Holiday Treats. Really.

Forced out of my mole hole for five hours today, I did what anyone struggling in a recession wouldn’t do. I went shopping. Window shopping. It is of utmost importance to me that the holidays be fun this year. Or funny. So I looked for new gift items that might provoke at least a smile. All of my “finds” made me laugh. But then again, I wouldn’t be the poster girl woman for mental health.  Let’s see what you think:

 

Mr. Electronic Yodeling Pickle, $13.95, Whole Earth

When I walked into Whole Earth Provision Co., there was a yodeling pickle positioned everywhere I looked. What? I went to the counter and asked the register guy just what was the deal with the pickle? As he went to grab one and show me, two other staff members came running, just to see my reaction. HILARIOUS! This is one talented pickle, I’ll tell you. And, for the price of $13.95, you, too, can irritate friends and family for the next two months. Yodel-Ay-Eee-Ooo! is made by Accoutrements. That must be a seriously weird company. But probably a fun place to work.

 

Front of gum box

Back of gum box, $1.50

Feliz Navidad, y’all … who cares what the gum tastes like, the message is worth $1.50 (to me). The gum is made by Blue Q out of Canada. Those Canadians are a funny bunch. I also spotted this gum from the same company:

Don't Have Ugly Children beauty gum, $1.50

What more can I say? The tagline reads, “As used by the world’s most perfect families!” Obviously there is NO use for the gum, but it does have another tag, “It’s not a crime to be ugly”. Ha!

Bacon for boo boos, $5.50

These may be funny only to my eldest daughter. When my kids were little, I fed them turkey bacon. Just trying to be healthy. Which caused them to want to go to Grandmother’s house for breakfast, where my eldest would plead for “pig bacon”. While these bandages are a little steep, they are my mea culpa to her. Poor, unfortunate, deprived child. What is really gross is I had to choose between these and bacon soap. <running to bathroom to hurl>

Pig flashlight, priceless

Still tripping on the porcine theme, who doesn’t need a snorting pig flashlight? Made by Kikkerland, this handy tool would scare off the most hardened criminals. Right? I mean, dual nostril beams are menacing. Sort of?

Third in a series!

I. AM. SO. EXCITED. This, All New Letters From A Nut by Ted L. Nancy with Foreward by Jerry Seinfeld, is the third nut book. The first two made me cry, I was laughing so hard. And when guests came over and I read them excerpts, they cried, too. I can’t remember if they laughed. Anyway, it’s my assumption that Jerry is Ted Nancy; regardless, these letters are so stupid funny as are the replies from the real companies they address. If you like love Jerry Seinfeld‘s humor, go buy all three books and laugh yourself silly. Not a fan? Faggidaboutit.

 

Pretty much says it all

This uplifting message would be perfect posted in my kitchen. You like it, too? It’s hanging in my sister’s cantina. So it must be purloined. I know where she lives. So sad, too bad. Until she notices it is missing. Which will cause a family rift. I will be forbidden to celebrate in all festivities. Home alone, covered in bacon bandages, chewing party-in-my-pants gum, using my powerful pig flashlight to read nutty letters while a pickle yodels in the background. This scenario is could work…..

Enough. Am scaring myself.

Later.

Open Wine Bottle With Shoe

 

Yep, you can throw out all those corkscrews and fancy bottle openers. All you needed is a soft-soled shoe to neatly, completely get to the grape juice. Don’t worry if you don’t speak French, it is very visual. Who knew?

 http://www.wimp.com/wineshoe/

Cheers!

Later.

Pecker Power: It’s Hip to be Square

Get silly with me here. I learned about a recession-friendly game on my recent road trip and would be a selfish twit if I didn’t share. Chicken Shit Bingo will set you back two bucks.  Wholesome family fun … 

Chicken Shit Bingo 

  • Take the cushions off the sofa and dig for change.  Once you have found $2 in coin, you are good to go.
  • Get in the car and drive to Austin after church on Sunday.
  • Park at Ginny’s Little Longhorn Saloon, 5434 Burnet Road.
  • You have officially arrived in Funkytown. Bubbas, bikers and everything in between are welcome. A live band plays each hour. If you must bust a move, consult this book:

Groovin' on a Sunday afternoon

  • You may notice a big screened pen sitting on a pool table. Wow, the pen has a floor full of numbered squares.  Pay $2 for a square.  Ginny will bring out her chicken after the squares are covered with feed.

Ginny's chicken has a powerful pecker

  • Chicken is put in pen where it begins to peck. That would be a chicken thang.
  • People scream at chicken; word of choice would be “SHIT” .  Afterall, there is money involved here.
  • Chicken eventually evacuates on a square. BINGO!  Winner, Winner, No Chicken Dinner but if your square has been sullied, you win $200. Do not be upset if you don’t win at first; the chicken reappears each time the band takes a break.

BINGO! Winner, Winner, Chicken .... shit

A little CSB on a Sunday afternoon, nowhere but Texas. Just sayin’… 

Later. 

*photos courtesy of Double A*