Are You Superstitious? Part 13

 

Parts 2-12 do not exist. But if you  are superstitious about that number, you can call it, Part 2. Am currently wearing a press-on device, $7, guaranteed to give me a brow lift in one hour. Which would be proof that I’d believe anything … including superstitions, except for the following:

  • “Wear your underwear inside out for good luck.” Trust me here, if you turn that frown upside down with inside out panties, you will NOT get lucky. And you might be drunk.
  • “A dog chasing its tail brings tornadoes.” No, no, no! Rabies? Yes. Tornadoes? NO! Rabid Luck … or drunk dog.
  • If you have a hole in your jeans, you will have a visitor.” Especially if the hole is in front of your privacy. A bit too “come and get it” for me.
  • “Eating a hair from a horse’s forelock is a cure for worms”. Let’s think about this. If you have worms, you are either dead or sick – if the latter, go to the damn doctor. If you can’t find a doctor and think this horsehair/forelock thing is the way to go, please wear a helmet. This is a recipe for a head injury, indigestion, and an isolation unit until the end of time.
  • “A cat onboard a ship is considered good luck.” Well, double duh and slap me silly. Of course a cat on a ship is good BECAUSE of all the rats on the ship. Purr Luck.
  • “Never bring a hoe in your house.” Especially if you can’t spell and you are a married man. Bad juju.
  • “If you drop a dishtowel on the floor, a worse housekeeper that yourself is coming to visit you.” Not. Possible. At. My. House. Dirty luck.
  • “If you sleep with a teabag tied around your head, you are an idiot”. ‘Nuff said here.

Must dash off to the store. The one hour, $7 brow lift worked! It lifted every piece of skin, from brow to scalp, right off the front of my face. As my skull is exposed, I either need to tie a pirate bandana (arrghhhh!) around my head for 4-6 months or find a perky, come hither, man magnet skull-cap. Ta Ta For Now!

Later.

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Are You Superstitious? Fact and Fiction ….

 

Years ago, I wrote a 13 page article about superstitions for a magazine. Have always loved superstitions and had a mighty fine time researching them. Have no idea why they are on my mind right now (am sure there’s a superstition about that) but superstitions will be the topic of this and maybe the following post. Or not. So let’s get started here …….

  • Fridays: For some religions, the term, “TGIF“, should instead be, “OSIF“(Oh Shit, It’s Friday!). Adam and Eve got booted from the Garden of Eden, Noah’s Arc set sail, and Jesus was crucified – all on Friday.
  • Garlic: “Carry garlic to ward off the Evil Eye“. This will not protect you from the Stink Eye, which you will receive in abundance due to the pungent garlic you are carrying. Ah, the sacrifices.
  • Knock On Wood: In the olden days, protective spirits were believed to live in trees. Knocking on wood would “intensify” the wish that was being made. If this is true, American Loggers, you are sooooo screwed.
  • Stumbling: Stumbling when leaving the house and stumbling several times while out of the house indicate bad luck is headed your way.  I think if you are stumbling around, you should quit drinking, do not drive, and get orthopedic shoes.
  • Wearing a Hat to Bed:  I suppose it’s bad luck because you are obviously drunk again.
  • Meeting Three Sheep: To meet three sheep is good luck. It’s the language barrier that’s awkward. “Hello, how do you do?” “Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.”
  • Right Side of Bed: If you are accused of “getting up on the wrong side of the bed”, you need to know this. The right side of the bed is lucky. Using the left side will assure you a Grumpy Grumbleson sort of day.
  • Crossed Fingers: This symbol is used to ward off the devil; it is also popular at the craps table and right up to the time you can’t remember why you crossed your fingers.
  • Wear Clothing Inside Out: This is supposed to be good luck; I believe people who won’t wear their glasses made this up. My ex house helper used to fold my lingerie inside out. So this superstition, to me, means everything in my house has been broken and the liquor cabinet drained dry.
  • Putting Your Shoes On the Table: this action assures you will have bad luck and you already have horrid manners.
  • A Shrew in Your Pocket: Apparently, carrying a dead mouse in your pocket will ward off rheumatism. Could also get you a one-way ticket to the nearest psych ward.

I have a few suggestions to throw in here. While more fact than superstition, I’m the boss of this page so…..

  • Let’s Do Lunch: If someone says this to you, you can bet the farm it will never happen. EVER. Good luck.
  • Sleep With Wedding Cake Under Pillow: When I was little, it was almost a rule that you took a slice of wedding cake home from the festivities. Wrapped carefully and put under your pillow, you would supposedly dream of your future husband. This is NOT TRUE. You will, however, wake up in the middle of the night and eat the smushed cake. Perhaps the term, “midnight snack”, came from this activity. Fat luck.
  • Purple Teeth: If you drink red wine, you will have purple teeth, temporarily. The more you drink, the deeper purple.  Not the best look. Bad luck/Good buzz.

What superstitions strike your fancy?

Ok, gotta go. My glass slippers are hurting like a mother and my carriage has already turned into a pickup truck.

Later.

A Crock of …

 

I wish I had his shirt. Not his shit, just the shirt.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I’ll write. If you are coming late to the party, I absolutely DO NOT  nor have I ever had any interest in online dating. Soooo happy for all the happy couples who met that way. So glad it works for so many. So glad if you like lima beans. I don’t. And that is my prerogative. Online dating + me = NO FRIGGING WAY. Which makes the next part of this story ironic.

Stuck in the house like the rest of the country, I’m on the computer … a lot. Oh boy, here’s a free personality test. I love those, I mean, there is always room for improvement, right? It started out simply … no real names, interests, yada yada … and before I knew it, I was in a bait-and-switch operation, on an online dating site. Ok, screw you, scammers. So I filled in their questions with some real and many false answers.

  • Do you smoke? Constantly!
  • How many drinks do you have per week? Can’t count that high.
  • Education level? Forth fOrt fourth grade
  • Income? ( -$150,000.79) that would be negative
  • Favorite music? Appalachian garage bands
  • Your idea of a great date? Get stinking drunk, throw up on the beach, start drinking again, get arrested.

Then there was a spot where you had to write 200 words about yourself. I typed “Blah” until it reached the stopping point. No photo, nothing. Next thing I know, an email address I have reserved for “trash” is full of creepy “matches”. DELETE. And they just kept coming. DELETE x 30. Really. I assure you, with the information I provided, a man would have to be a psychopath to want to “chat”. Psychopath is so last year. Really.

Had to make all sorts of threats to the administrators of the site to remove myself. I never “joined” or paid a dime. So, my inadvertent and very brief experience with online dating was over before it ever got started. Thank God.

Today, Lady Di sent me an email. She has a precious friend in Arizona who does use one of those sites. The email included her friends’ new “matches”. I almost started crying for her and I don’t even know her. Never have I seen a more motley crew of Eeyores. I know it is shallow to judge anyone, especially by photo. But if these poor souls were putting their best face forward, well, it can best be described as desperate Photoshop situation.

If it’s not organic, I don’t want to play. Which brings many “tsk tsks” from well-meaning friends; the few who haven’t given up on me as a “hopeless case”. After my divorce, I was with a group of women and we were talking about dating. Out of eight, two of us were single. When I said  it was rather difficult to meet nice people, one of the women turned to me and said, “You had your chance and you blew it. That part of your life is over”. Meaning, because my marriage didn’t last, there was absolutely no reason to consider another relationship. Ever.

Hmmm. That comment knocked the wind out of me. I’ve made peace with her and her comment; I make daily peace with the fact that all circumstances indicate she’s right. At least she didn’t say, “Good things come to those who wait” or any of the other platitudes that do more harm than good. And this is the part where I say …. WHATEVER. Enough.

In the WTF department: just stepped outside to turn on a light and A BIRD SHAT ON MY HEAD. This is getting ridiculous. First my wrist, then my chesticle, now my head. Surely someone can find some meaning in this other than I am a bird shit magnet. Aggghhhhhhhhh!

Stay warm. It is colder here in Texas than it is in Alaska right now.

Later. Maybe.