Can’t Touch This & a Book List

Ok, everyone is crazy. Your crazy may or may not be my kind of crazy. I just reviewed the search terms some people have used to find this locale lately. Wow. I can say with certainty, these folks are Not My Kind of Crazy (NMKC). And a few have a real struggle spelling. And a few others are clearly insane. You decide:

  • “I’m so hungry I could eat a hores” – assuming you meant “horse” and we don’t eat those here
  • Hours in a dress spanking” sounds most uncomfortable and s-t-r-a-n-g-e
  • Droll chicken” have yet to encounter an amusingly odd chicken but I like the reference to “droll” because it sounds so Oscar Wilde
  • Dentist crowns my mouth pantyhose” just gonna jump right out and say that mouth and pantyhose do not belong together, period
  • What does it mean when a fox poops on your doorstep?”it means a fox pooped on your doorstep
  • Grandma in her coffin” while this is sick freak material, a mandatory Halloween hall pass has been issued
  • I am not an ATM” nor am I
  • Starling poops on your head” wash hair ASAP
  • “Two trees chasing a dog” WTH?
  • When we go down, we go down fighting” ok
  • “Madame Poot”sorry, NMKC
  • Throw some water on me” ok
  • “Good looks a factor in love”bet you are deep as a pie pan
  • Is Temple St. Clair a bitch?” she designs the most beautiful jewelry ever, am clueless regarding her temperament

ENOUGH. Let’s talk books! Have been reading more lately – rah!

  • Already Home by Susan Mallery – read this in advance uncorrected proof version, usually don’t read this sort of book but it was good!
  • Inspirations, Selections from Classic Literature by Paulo Coelho – still reading, good
  • It’s All About the Dress by Vicky Tiel – still reading only because I’ve yet to find out about the damn dress; someone forgot to spellcheck as well as write about anything other than 1960’s celebrities
  • Apologize, Apologize by Elizabeth Kelly – will start on this one as soon as I find out about damn dress (see above)
  • shift happens! by Robert Holden – really liked what he had to say

Dashing. Be happy. Your choice.


You need a WHAT????????

True story:  Last night, Malibu took KK and me to dinner at a Mexican restaurant in our neighborhood. We had fun; hours of yakity yak. We called it quits and walked out of the restaurant, headed to our cars. Just then, a white car pulled up and parked within inches of us. A normal looking psycho guy jumped out.

Psycho: “I need a screw!”

Trio of us: “You need a what?

Psycho: “I need a screw!”

Me: “Well, you’re not gonna get one here. Are we being filmed?”

Psycho: ” No, I need a real specific screw. I’m gay. I was a contractor. I’m in from Dallas to go to the dentist (like they don’t have dentists in Dallas?). I’m gay so I don’t want to screw y’all; I need a certain kind of screw“. (A whole lot of TMI).

While Malibu attempted to direct him to the nearest Home Depot, which was already closed, his driver lurched out of the car and rounded the corner to address us. She was stoned out of her mind and had difficulty making words with her lips. Psycho told us she was a “retired” dentist.  She said she was currently a “mangoaergkuhdelrja;bfafebgoiha“. That means “jewelry maker” in too much nitrous oxide land.

In the meantime, Psycho declared to one and all that he was breaking up with his boyfriend; he liked women now. He whipped out his cell phone and showed us a picture of a naked girl in the shower. Which meant absolutely nothing. Except he’s also a perv.

 KK is too polite, so  sexually ambiguous Psycho put on his major flirt for her; he was not one minute cute. Malibu was trying to decode the “retired” dentist’s mishmash of noises. She was too young to retire; she obviously enjoyed her meds and was still working on her retirement cache. Whatever, it was time to GO.

As we walked away, Psycho hollered at us.

Are there any hookers at Home Depot?”

If there are, they’ll be in the nail department.”

Was last night the all-clear for insane asylums? Didn’t get that memo.


*We don’t look like hookers, collectively or individually. Just sayin’.*


I Love that song, “Skippin‘” by Mario. Always provokes a happy dance. As does the weather here. It’s in the 50’s in the morning! That would be like the first snow for most people, but remember, I live on the outskirts of the Gates of Hell (temp wise). Am uncharacteristically bright and shiny. Have been for a while. Maybe I have to be in a misery to write. Nah.

Stupid Morning: This one. I woke up at 8:10. By 9 am, I’d had blood drawn at one doctor’s office AND had a temporary crown put on at the dentist’s office. No food, NO CAFFEINE. Attire: trench coat over pajamas. Attitude: it’s all a blur – I am a caffeind. Am now drinking magnum of espresso.

 The Crown Thing: The stupid crown on tooth in very back of mouth is seriously out of control. As stated before, my dentist wanted to replace the  $5K/3 surgeries crown. Had temporary put in. The stupid temporary fell out as I was dashing off to a black-tie event Saturday night. Woo Hoo – here comes Clem Cadiddlehopper in a black cocktail dress. Had the stupid temporary put back in on Monday. It fell out last night before Glee. (Did not impair dancing capabilities). Temp put back on this morning, but now dentist thinks more surgery because of aggressive gums. Oh please. By the time – if it ever comes – that I do get my real crown, the cost will be more than a gold crown I could wear on my head. Perky, nice dental assistant suggested I NOT drink hot coffee  or perhaps I’d enjoy an iced coffee. I DO NOT ENJOY ICED COFFEE, SCREWED UP DENTAL ISSUES, OR DRINKING COFFEE THROUGH A STRAW. Shoo, woman!

On the Job Front: Have really gotten quite cozy with this unemployment situation. Very Cozy. In the past 2-1/2 months, I’ve applied for approximately one job. It would require a move as well as making an appearance on tv every day. Couldn’t be a longer shot. Am estimating there are at least a million applicants. But my mantra is, “Oh well, what the hell”. Trust me, I’m not packing my bags. Have found some financial opportunities. Have amassed approximately $20.80 answering surveys online for Opinion Outpost. God knows, I have an opinion on everything. Am figuring that the surveys combined with garage sale and eBay offerings, I should clear a cool $50 this month. Drinks are on me.

Observations from Past Week

  •  Watching middle-aged white men try to keep up with racehorse dates on dance floor is food for America’s Funniest Home Videos. <insert peals of laughter here> Some of you can actually dance; I just haven’t seen it happen. I love to laugh so please keep on dancing.

  • September/October reading list to come … man, I’ve been lazy.
  • Still have sassy attitude in tact (good or bad, depending on person). Saw a friend I hadn’t seen in 15 years; we did the your life/my life deal. I said I’d been divorced five years. He said, “So, you’re single and hot?”. My reply: “No, I’m spoken for and hot!” So there!

Rather than ramble on, am going to take nap or contemplate existence or read a book or dance to Glee rerun ….



Torture on Tuesday: A Visit to the Dentist

Who likes to go the dentist?


Not me! And I like my dentist; he’s been a friend of mine since  high school. And he’s good – and gentle – at what he does.

I don’t care how you “dress up” and modernize dental offices and equipment … it’s still like putting makeup on a pig. A total waste of time, I say, to fluff up a torture chamber. It is what it is. And I love all the perky, hands-on dental assistants; they are kind, they are reassuring, they are happy they are not in that chair. Or paying that bill.

I’ve hated going to the dentist since I was six. Dr. Monster Head told my mother I needed to have my front right baby tooth pulled so the big one could come in. The front baby tooth was not ready to come out. MH said to look at his crappy wallpaper and pretend I was watching cartoons. While he yanked and yanked and yanked on the poor little tooth that didn’t want to come out yet. I HATE cartoons to this day because of his bad bs. He finally got the tooth out. 

I walked around like a gap-toothed hooligan for a year. Then, my mother dragged me back to his office (there are still skid marks my heels made in his parking lot). Seems that Dr. Stupid S*&t made a mistake. I had no right front tooth. So he designed a clever retainer for me; one that was all pink and shiny and had one fake front tooth on it. Lovely. It plugged the gap, sort of. Couple that weirdo denture with orthopedic high-heeled saddle oxfords x three years and you will know why I wasn’t part of the fast crowd in elementary school. The real tooth finally came in but I am forever scarred. And don’t even get me started on the Tooth Fairy. Meh!

This morning I found myself sitting in the dentist chair. Crown replacement. No frigging diamonds. Paid $5000 (long story) for this crown a couple of years ago. So this replacement was “free”. The staff outfitted me in dark black shades (splatter … barf), noise-blocking headphones (NOT), and put me in a chair position that can only be described as “yogic”.First they needed to make an impression that must have been wet concrete ; when I was told to open my mouth, it almost pulled the rest of my teeth out.

Then came the instruments; so many it looked like silver service for 12. Several professionals were on hand to manipulate all the torture devices. I couldn’t move due to all my accoutrement until I smelled something burning. Oh, that would be inside my mouth. Before I could jump up and run outta there, my phone rang. I could use my hands so I flipped it on and handed it to Dentist Friend. My mother was calling from Colorado to say they were having a wonderful time, my father was getting some oxygen at the moment as he was not taking the altitude so well, but they were having a wonderful time and would be home tomorrow. Lord a mercy, OXYGEN? And they’ve been there a week? I couldn’t talk, of course, so when the story was related to me, all I could do is roll my eyes. Which were invisible behind the black spatter shades.

One and a half hours later, I’m on my way with my faux crown. Which will be relinquished in a month for the real thing. Which means I have to go back. Which, for me, is sheer torture … sort of like pulling teeth.