Friendship is a Sticky Wicket

Apparently it’s National Friendship Week.  Next week reserved for red noses. But I digress …

My Dad once said, “If you have a handful of true friends, you are lucky.”  At the time, I thought he was being negative and ridiculous.  Why, I had a million friends (I was young).  Turns out, he was right and I was wrong.  And, surprisingly, I love when I am proven wrong because I learn from it.  And it’s important to me to never stop learning.  I am lucky. I do have a handful of true friends, precious gifts I love and treasure.

Friendship is a sticky wicket. A delicate situation.  I love my friends.  I’m hard to love, so I’m lucky to have any.

imageAnd then there are the others … fabulous and not so much –

  • The Forever Friends – these are the wonderful people I may not see for 10 days, weeks, or years yet we pick up right where we left off  – ahh, beautiful!
  • I Wanna Talk About Me” Friends – we all have them; as long as they are the subject of all conversation, all is well.  Try to get a word in edgewise, like “Oops, I’m bleeding to death” – impossible.  Just gotta love them anyway.  From a distance.
  • Let’s Have Lunch Friends – never happening, don’t kid yourself.  They are really awesome people but chicken salad sandwiches and iced tea are not anywhere in your future.
  • Spill Your Guts/I Don’t Know You Friends – they appear at your door, spill their guts about a situation, situation gets fixed.  Next time they see you, they look right through you.  Pitiful.  Don’t answer door next time.
  • Deep As A Pie Pan Friends – can only talk about parties, travel, clothes, and light fabulousity; requires massive quantities of NoDoz and temporary loss of short-term memory.

So now I’m thinking I really am lucky to have my handful. As for the rest, move along. In the words of my new hero, Mark Manson, “I don’t give a f*&@!”.  (You are thinking this started out so nicely … SURPRISE!).

Off to work out snarkiness … maybe

Later

P.S. Many thanks to bestie Austin Ann for intro to writing of Mark Manson

Pondering, Damn It All

Really!

Today has not been bad. It’s been … meh. preceded by much of the same. What do you do when you don’t know what to do?

The “experts” say the happiest people in this world are grateful, no matter what their circumstances. Cool. God knows I’m grateful. Just haven’t reached the “no matter what the circumstances” zone. Definitely something to aspire to.

i am going to start saying this!!

I get this way sometimes. Good grief, at this stage of the game, you’d think I’d have this life stuff all tied up in a bow. Maybe it’s dull routine, maybe it’s a long weekend stretching ahead.

Lethal

In the olden days, my “escape plan” from these feelings was not well thought out, but a plan nonetheless. Just get on I-10 and head west and eventually I would end up in California. Like I said, not much of a plan.

truth.

Painful but oh so true. And it’s pretty much self-inflicted as “others” have no concept of my expectations and that’s not fair to them.

So true

Note to self: No Instagram or Facebook until further notice.

Weight Loss Motivation How To Find It And Keep It

I like that idea. Lighten up and move on down the alphabet.

dance...

PERFECT!! My favorite thing to do. So I think I will dance and eat a bunch of chocolate.

Lord, listen through my heart.

That would sum it up.

Off to dance, eat chocolate, and pray.

Later.

Iz

Grateful

When my eldest was in preschool, her class did a project for Parent Night. Each child was told to draw a picture of what they were grateful for and the teacher would write their explanation underneath. The “grateful proclamations” were posted up and down the halls. As parents entered the building, there were the sweet drawings. Most of the artwork featured Mommy, Daddy, Siblings, and Pets. Searching for what Miss Peach was grateful for, I noticed a clump of parents around one drawing. Ah, there it was. My daughter was grateful for fried chicken. Just another proud moment.

While I find fried chicken tasty, I am grateful for:

  • My daughters, my parents, my sister
  • A roof over my head and food in the pantry
  • Friends, especially those “heart” friends I would do anything for and I know that feeling is reciprocal
  • My sweet little dog who loves me and never leaves my side … or feet, which can be a problem but he means well
  • The good mornings that follow bad nights
  • Freedom
  • Inspiration
  • The knowledge that I am not in charge of the universe. Breathe in, breathe out.  On those days when I feel I can’t handle another broken something, when I doubt I can put one foot in front of the other, when the forest is so dense and scary and thick I couldn’t find a tree if I walked right into it, there is comfort in the breathe. Peace comes eventually. And I remember the world doesn’t spin on my axis. Thank God.
  • A job I enjoy so much it doesn’t feel like a job
  • The ability to make a difference, however small, for the better
  • Hugs. There is nothing as comforting and necessary for the soul as the human touch. Many people are “starving” for this. So simple, so easy to give. And oh so easy to receive.

Later.

Habits to Kick with Both Feet & Habits to Embrace

“If at first you don’t succeed, you’re running about average.”

(Marian Hamilton Alderson)

“Average doesn’t cut it.”

(Me)

Note to self: do something, anything about the following:

    • Onion dip and potato chips are not a healthy dinner choice. If this is unavoidable, check out Clinton Kelly‘s recipe for homemade onion dip – it is beyond tasty.
    • Emotions are fickle; do not confuse with truth.
    • Finish one project before starting another. But there are so many, I get bored and am easily distracted …. oh, okay, take ADHD vitamin and focus.
    • When it becomes a choice to be kind or be right, always choose kind. Being right – and smug – ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. It is cracked. For me.
    • Always take bag when walking dog. Sometimes I forget and dog does his thing. This situation is sort of like stepping on a crack – no bag and business means I will step in it shortly.
    • Keep your friends close and your frenemies at bay. Yeah, yeah … the saying says keep enemies closer. Ridiculous. Choosing to have a bad experience over a great one? Not an option for me.
    • Make a comment instead of pushing “Like” button when reading blog posts.This is addressed to me – “like” is great, so no haters. I push the “like” button all the time. But am going to attempt to do otherwise; if bloggers have taken the time to write and I have taken the time to read their posts, then it makes sense for me to commiserate, congratulate, admire … whatever. But you are welcome to “like” me anytime you want.
    • Stop wearing clothes inside out. Happens all the time. Must slow down and look in mirror before exiting home. This sort of issue is crazy cat lady stuff. I don’t have a cat. And I’m not crazy. That’s a lie. A little bit crazy. Acknowledge contemporary insanity and slow down when dressing.
    • Lead with love and compassion. Yesterday, a woman came into the shop where I work. She was looking for a hat and veil for her best friend. Whose husband had passed away. Although we’d never met, we spent a good hour trying to find the perfect pillbox hat for her bereaved friend to wear to the funeral. During that time, we talked about any and everything. And when she left, tears were rolling down both our cheeks. She was an amazing example of leading with love. And a stellar reminder to me to do the same.
Dashing ….
Later.

Self-Medicating with Words

I will go to great lengths to make a day that feels “less than” feel “more than”. Today, I’m rolling around in the following quotes:

  • “If you think you are too small to make a difference, you’ve never been in a tent with a mosquito.” Regina Brett
  • “What motivates you more: a correction or a compliment?” Jenny Dintzler
  • “Things that matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.” Goethe
  • “A belief has no power other than what you give it.”
  • “Happiness happens when you least inspect it.”
  • “Stay open all hours for miracles.”
  • “We are born at peace.”
  • “Happiness doesn’t always make you happy.” Gretchen Rubin
  • “It is better to sleep on what you intend doing than to stay awake over what you’ve done.”
  • “I’ll sing for my supper but I won’t audition.” Kaminsky & Penney
  • “Change happens slowly, then all at once.”
  • “What looks like an anchor may be wings.”
  • “Instead of treating people the way you want to be treated, treat people the way they want to be treated.” Regina Brett
  • “None of us have a crystal ball. We may feel like things are hard and we are stuck with a lemon today. But tomorrow could bring many beautiful things if our hearts are open and willing.” Divorced Girl/Vibrant Nation
  • “If you see a red flag, don’t try to make it magenta. What you see is the way it is. Believe it and act accordingly.” Magnolia Miller
  • “The best test of a person’s character is how he/she treats those with less power … the way you act when you can’t be held accountable, how you treat those who can do nothing for you.”
  • “All you need is love.” The Beatles

Now.

Later.

Now and Later.

Nuts, We Are All Nuts

The other day my friend told me that everyone … and I mean everyone … is nuts. If that isn’t a given, I don’t know what is. The most important point here is – be very careful and picky about who you choose as your bowl mates. There are many varieties of nuts. Discernment is a very important tool. So is a garbage can. While on the topic of nuts …..

  • Why, in the name of God, would you write/record a breakup song about a POS who dumped you and call it, “Someone Like You“? I love Adele, I think the melody of the song is the best; what I don’t get it is … if your Significant Other treated you horribly, why would you want someone like that? Haters … don’t need an explanation, this is just an observation. Why not a song that says, “Someone Who Is Nothing Like You In Any Way At All Because You Are The Worst Person Ever“?
  • Don’t ever change!” If you went to high school and had a yearbook, I’ll bet you that’s written somewhere inside. It was just a phrase. Unfortunately, there are people who chose to believe this and haven’t. Changed. Deliver me.
  • My mother is studying the last book of the Bible, Revelations, written by the Apostle John. Last week, she told her Bible Study group that she believed John was taking LSD when he wrote it because Revelations is incomprehensible. She may be onto something but I don’t think they had LSD back then … maybe some mushrooms ….. maybe she’s on LSD.

Must go plan intervention. Or not.

Later.

My Issues Have Issues. Really.

I used that line to decline a date request. And I wasn’t lying. My issues for today are … business names, a neighborhood, and knackwurst.

The first issue was prompted by a parking space at a shopping center. Yep, I parked right in front of the Dress Barn. Could this national clothing chain for women have picked a more unbecoming moniker? Methinks NOT. I was prompted to find more professional insanity because I wanted to and I do not use my time wisely.  Here are the names of real business I found; feel free to add your own.

CLOTHING

Girdle Garage

House of Hose

GROOMING

Indiana Bone and the Temple of Groom

American Hairline

Nervous McStabby’s Hair Care Place

Lunatic Fringe

Slingin’ Ink Tattoo

BOOKS

Crapbooks

The Bookie Joint

FLORAL

Florist Gump

The Stalk Market

FOOD

Crazy Cow Steakhouse

OK Chinese Food

Bologna Boutique

Nasty Buffet

LAST BUT NOT LEAST

Master Baiter’s Sportfishing and Tackle

Bada Bing Bail Bonds

Enough. Moving on to a new neighborhood. My eldest, Miss Peach, recently moved into a swishy townhouse with her friends. She invited me to see it right after she moved in. Her place is beautiful, nicer than mine. As she walked me out and down the road to find my car, I surveyed her “hood”. Which prompted one question. “DID YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING NEXT DOOR TO A METH LAB?” She said, “Oh!”. End of convo. We are very casual about potential life-threatening situations. Moving on.

Knackwurst. At a recent cocktail situation, I ran into a friend. He’s a great guy and has been promoted to CFFOBPRQ of an enormous company. I forget what we were talking about, but for whatever reason, he called me a “Knackwurst Head“. Knowing only that knackwurst was not complimentary, I did what any self-respecting woman would do and emptied the contents of my hors d’oeuvre plate into his cocktail. I mean, really! A knackwurst, for those of you who don’t know, is a short, plump, highly seasoned German sausage. I am NOT a Knackwurst Head, you MOLDY PIECE OF HOG’S HEAD CHEESE!

Feeling better already! Gotta run, late for appointment at Sweaty Betty’s Beat & Tease.

Be happy or go to your room. Your choice.

Later.

My Evening as a Hooker

It all started so innocently.

Around 6:30 last night, we joined the crew of Captain Wack and his wench, Walden.

Before venturing any further, you must know that Walden is thematic. She is into whatever the upcoming holiday is and goes all out with decorations and whatnot. But her favorite holiday – which she celebrates year-round – is “Talk Like A Pirate Day“. She LOVES pirate stuff. While shopping in Hobby Lobby one day, I’d found a pirate part for her. And I gave it to her last night as we headed to a wedding.

Ha ha ha, the “hook” was a hit. Then tossed in the back seat.  Off we all went to a beautiful ceremony and an insanely fun reception. Well, “yo-ho-ho and a bottle of gin” later, we’d been well fueled with food and drink and danced ourselves into a sweat. (Thank God, the band was awesome; I was having rolling hot flashes so I had to dance my ass off to explain why I was soaking wet). Walden announces her ship is sailing, so we say “ta-ta” to no one in particular and pile into her transport. Arrrrrrrr! We were minus one … the Captain. After much unintelligible convo, Walden nominated moi to fetch the yakking Wack. While wearing the pirate hook. Made perfect sense to me at the time, so I ran back into the swanky black-tie reception in my fancy high heels and matching hook. Which I hid behind my back. The first time I spotted Wack.

He was chatting up friend #1; this man already knows I’m insane. I slipped the hook inside Wack‘s tie and said, “Ahoy, Matey – Away!,” and took off for the car with my victim. Or so I thought. Damn, he’d found someone else to talk to. So it was back into the reception on my second search and rescue mission.

He was chatting up unknown-but-pretty person. I had to get tough. I shook my hook in his face and said, “Ye scurvy bilge rat, away before ye buckle be slashed!” As I ran back out to the car, he was right behind me. NOT.

Round three was a success! After explaining to a horrified girl my right hook was not real, I found him again. With a “Heave ho, Dude” and a well-placed equipment maneuver, Wack remained in my clutches until we reached our destination.

Clearly, hooking is not my forte. Should you want to give it a try – hit Hobby Lobby and throw down $1.99.

Enough for now. I’m off to find a greasy cheeseburger for my stomach and an ice pack for my head.

Be happy … or walk the plank. Your choice.

Later.

*Everyone here is wearing ice packs on their heads. Because it is 250-degrees outside. The gin has absolutely nothing to do with it.

*Also need to make it perfectly clear this is a pirate’s tale and in no way has anything to do with anyone who has challenges.

*Talk Like A Pirate Day is September 19. Just sayin’…….

Throw Some Water On Me!

 I am melting. Along with the rest of the city, state, country, world.

When you wake up early and the temperature is 97-degrees, it’s hot. When 80-degrees indoors feels decadently delicious, it’s damn hot.

Spent four days in Oxford, Mississippi last week. I met with friends for breakfast one morning. Afterwards, we walked all over Oxford. I was dressed for breakfast, not for walking tour. My wardrobe never crossed my mind until we were halfway between here and hell. My jeans felt like they were made of aluminum wool. As did my shirt and sports bra. Tom’s are great shoes; they are not walking- for- 100- miles shoes. When we finally made it back to the MoJo (sort of hotel/motel facility), I drank any and everything in my room. Couldn’t get those jeans and shirt off fast enough. Turned the AC to zero and collapsed on the bed. I got up only when my body temperature reached a normal range. Lo and behold, when I looked back at the bed, it was a Shroud of Turin situation – had the shrouded person worn an electic orange sports bra. Whole body imprint. That, my friends, is HOT.

As I can think of nothing else, I’m offering my favorite “heat” sayings; am too hot to care what you do with them.

Hotter than…

  • “… a pair of sweat pants full of barbecue”
  • “… a whore house on nickel night”
  • “… a June bride on a feather bed”
  • “… two rats having sex in a wool sock”

It’s so hot that…

  • “… the chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs”
  • “I saw two trees fighting over a dog”
  • “I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog”

In keeping with the dog theme, mine is apparently allergic to the heat. Each time I try to take him out (as in “do your business, damn it”), he runs. If I can catch him and drag him toward the door, he gives me the same look. The look that says, “Hey, Lady – are you kidding me? I’m wearing a fur coat!”.

Anyone know a good carpet cleaner?

Later. Maybe. After I move to Iceland. But I’m too hot to pack. Never mind.

Later.