My brain blew into a million little pieces because:
Bill from idiotic doctor: Just got a bill from Doogie Howser; he charged me $28 to walk through his office to the lab. Which he doesn’t own. The independent lab bill has been paid. Have always “walked” free. Times may be tough, dude, but you aren’t getting a penny from me. <sticking tongue out at dumb doc>
Liar, liar, magazine on fire: Waiting for another appointment, I thumbed through a recent fashion magazine. One feature focused on how make up can make you look so rested. Then I saw the before/after of the woman in the photos. I knew her. She had everything from the shoulders up “redone” by a plastic surgeon beforethe photo shoot. Of course, the magazine failed to mention that , instead crediting her bright mug to new lipstick and blush. What a bunch of crapola! If you choose to believe it, the make up will cost you $30,000.
Running into old boyfriends: In the past few months, I’ve run into an unreasonable number of one of my friend’s old boyfriends. Better hers than mine, but this is getting ridiculous. Note to friend: run into your own old boyfriends. Thank you.
“So all you are going to do is work the rest of your life?” and “We are worried about you, financially”: Two comments, different friends. Note to friends: Here’s my bank account number; feel free to make large deposits frequently. Then I will be able to sashay about the planet and you won’t worry. Win-win.
Lose weight by watching tv: If you want to lose your appetite, turn on Strange Addictions. I’m sorry these people do what they do. Even if you have a stomach of steel, five minutes into this show will, at the very least, produce some serious gagging and an aversion to snacking between meals. Wretched.
“Your wait will be 18 seconds.”: Groovy! Got this customer service message yesterday when calling about insurance. Change that message! Waited 20 minutes and then instructed to leave a voice message. Yeah, right. Customer service, my ass.
Phone rings. “Hello?”: “What are you doing?” Oh, accepting the Nobel Peace Prize, building a rocket in the kitchen, rotating my tires …. I am answering the damn phone. And I thought it was obvious. Meh!
Enough! Ranting is no way to start the day. Better go check my bank account for large deposits.
It’s not all lemonade and lollipops around here; sometimes it’s a sauerkraut and Draino martini situation. That would be the last 24-hours. Despite my insane determination to maintain inner composure and be happy no matter what, my cup almost boiled over.
Took eldest daughter to dinner last night to celebrate her birthday. We had a nice time. During dinner, a friend and his daughter walked past our table; I had to say his name to get his attention. He said he didn’t recognize me because I am always reinventing myself. My reply, “Yep, me and Madonna.” WTH? Maybe it’s because the last time I saw him, I had shorter hair and a job.
Mi Madre called as I was running errands earlier. She wanted to let me know “what’s going on”. She probably needed to vent, but it was one misery after another. When she came up for air, I asked her if there was anything positive? NO! Wow. No matter how many times this happens, I don’t know how EVERYTHING can always be wrong. I can’t live there. Yikes.
Get a text from youngest daughter. She’d planned on driving four hours to one city, run a half-marathon, drive five hours home, attend Day 6 of her sister’s birthday festival, stay over for Mother’s Day lunch, then drive three hours back to school. We’re talking one weekend here. Her text said she realized she couldn’t do all that and I complimented her on being smart, not to mention, safe.
My friend calls and the conversation gets around to her sucky job. She said, “I think I want to quit and be like you, but I don’t have your bankroll.” Surely she meant “bedroll” cause that’s the only roll I have. I just said, “YE GODS, WOMAN, DO YOU KNOW OF WHAT YOU SPEAK?”. Then my cell phone went dead from lack of juice. Whew.
Get an email from younger daughter stating she could drive all over the state and would be doing so. Emailed back, “PLEASE RECONSIDER – NOT SAFE! I then text eldest daughter about Mother’s Day brunch and that her sister’s plans were not a good idea.
Get a rancid phone call from eldest daughter. I love her with all my heart, but she has a bit of a stubborn streak. She’s a teacher and probably had a rotten day. The only words I was able to understand from that spew was that I had assassinated her character(?). I could tell she was just getting started so I did what I always do when this happens; say “I love you” and hang up. No one speaks to me that way, especially my children. I mean, if God wants to talk, I’m all ears but that ain’t happening either. That I know of.
So now comes the part where you just know I am going to throw myself off the roof or at least wallow like a pig in a self-pity pool. SURPRISE! I’ve got fresh sheets on my bed, a sweet little dog that follows me wherever I go, food in my stomach, and a roof over my head. That trumps any and all of the day’s crapola.
Dear Smarter People Than Me (that would be a majority of the population on Wednesdays and Fridays):
I have a very small, very new candle company. The product rocks. The locals love. I do not sell to stores nor will I. Because the quality must be perfect for me to sell, the cost is higher than that of say, Glade.
I am prohibited from selling them on Etsy. While I select and purchase my fragrance oils, design and create all labels and marketing materials, I have a candlemaker. Which knocks me out of the homemade arena.
I’ve bought good stuff on eBay. But the candle section leaves me stone cold. I’m not a “Grandma’s Teacup filled with wax” kind of show. So now I am wondering if I just do my own website. If that is the case, where, what, and how much?
Thank you, in advance, for your consideration and input.
*just kidding about the smarter days – throw all seven in there*
After multiple years of forcing my children to deliver Christmas presents, this year I did it myself. Because they disappeared just about the time they heard the empty tape dispenser hit the garbage can. And … because I wanted to. First time for everything. I’m not the door-knocking, visiting sort. Just a overage elf, sneaking up to the front door and leaving the goods. Made a few observations while tearing about town.
Say everyone living in your house at this moment (i.e. home from college, rehab, prison) has a driver’s license and a car. If there are more than two of you, the outside of your home looks like a garage. The mechanic kind – where you take cars to be fixed. Gives sort of South Bronx veneer to the very nicest of neighborhoods.
Am convinced the recession skipped this area. (Not me, but everyone else). I have not seen as many mansions – serious housing – under construction, ever. I find this very confusing. Maybe some “numbers” type can straighten me out. Wow. Double Wow.
I LOVE those giant Christmas bulbs hanging everywhere – makes me feel like I’m on the set of BIG. Happy fun.
I noticed some homes that had been decorated to the hilt in prior years are void of any gay apparel. The homeowners are elderly now and I guess it’s too much to for them to festivate. Sniff, sniff. I would have helped them. There’s always next year, I guess.
It is unsafe on the streets during the day. Have almost been slaughtered too many times to count. By people who have no business behind the wheel. Some would say that would be me. But some can stick it up their nose. <meant in nicest way>
Better get back to the paper-tape-bow situation. More deliveries to make tomorrow. Please, please, PLEASE have a wonderful holiday. Really. Eat a bunch of food. Drink gallons of …whatever you please. Laugh as hard as possible. Remember the lonely and unloved. Enjoy the best way you can.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL! MAY PERFECT PEACE DWELL INSIDE YOUR HEART AND OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR.
*p.s. Don’t be getting the notion I’ve gone all sappy here. Just bought The Snark Handbookand The Snark Handbook, Insult Edition. Brushing up for the new year, I am. *
I’m a sponge. That is my new career of choice, in this interim between paying positions. Each day brings new ideas, different opinions and the notion that I have a whole lot of learning left to do. This “career” is a luxury and will not last forever. Have been reading quite a bit and some powerful words have literally taken my breath away. Three greats and a snark, to be specific.
Have not been a fan of Christopher Hitchens. Ever. Until this morning. His column in the current issue of Vanity Fair is true, and brave, exquisite, and terrifying. I read it twice, and I know I will read it again and again, making copies and passing them to friends. “The Topic of Cancer” is the header; he has been thrown a very ugly curve ball which he describes in a way that is so simple, so human, so beautiful. I’m rooting for you, Hitch!
Started Laura Munson’s“This Is Not The Story You Think It Is…”last night. After reading the first page, I knew she’d hit it out of the park and into the next county. This is her memoir and it has me entranced, involved, so much of what she has to say is so well communicated, so amazingly thoughtful, well, I’m halfway through (thanks to a three-hour power outage this afternoon) and I have only torn myself away from this treasure to write this post. She’s got a keen sense of humor, always a plus for me. At the moment, there is one line she wrote that I cannot get out of my mind; it made me feel good, “…Sometimes taking care of yourself meansletting yourself be misunderstood…” . More later, but borrow or buy this book. ASAP. It is that good.
Rooting through one pile of books, I came upon “Labor Day” by Joyce Maynard. The most memorable lines in this book, for me, describe loneliness perfectly. She writes, “…you are like one of those ceramic hedgehogs with the plants growing on it that the person who bought it forgot to water. You are like a hamster nobody remembered to feed”. Powerful stuff.
Snark On: VF also has an excerpt from “True Prep” by Lisa Birnbach. This is the “update” to her book, “The Official Preppy Handbook”. When she was writing the first book, somehow she got me on the phone. She was very persuasive and I was very young. Her book had a section on “prepster hot spots for each night of the week” for a number of cities. She needed the scoop for my city. RIGHT THAT MINUTE. So, I gave it to her. Bought the book when it was published. And there was all the info I gave her. When I write a book, I hope I acknowledge any and everyone who helped me. Just sayin’. And no, I won’t be reading this latest publication.
The curvy randamonium refers to my daily adventure quest and observations. Anything new, different, ironic:
Last night, my Cooking Partner and I grilled Portobello mushrooms (marinated beforehand with olive oil, garlic, balsamic vinegar and a dash of Worcestershire). Divine.
Found 17 gifts today (birthdays, Christmas, layoffs) and didn’t spend $150. These are good gifts, too. Am patting self on back because I’m a great “finder”. Hey, maybe a new career ……
Cooper the dog may get me booted from my home. He is obstinate and determined to do his thing wherever he wants. He always chooses the same place:
Yep, you can throw out all those corkscrews and fancy bottle openers. All you needed is a soft-soled shoe to neatly, completely get to the grape juice. Don’t worry if you don’t speak French, it is very visual. Who knew?