My brain blew into a million little pieces because:
Bill from idiotic doctor: Just got a bill from Doogie Howser; he charged me $28 to walk through his office to the lab. Which he doesn’t own. The independent lab bill has been paid. Have always “walked” free. Times may be tough, dude, but you aren’t getting a penny from me. <sticking tongue out at dumb doc>
Liar, liar, magazine on fire: Waiting for another appointment, I thumbed through a recent fashion magazine. One feature focused on how make up can make you look so rested. Then I saw the before/after of the woman in the photos. I knew her. She had everything from the shoulders up “redone” by a plastic surgeon beforethe photo shoot. Of course, the magazine failed to mention that , instead crediting her bright mug to new lipstick and blush. What a bunch of crapola! If you choose to believe it, the make up will cost you $30,000.
Running into old boyfriends: In the past few months, I’ve run into an unreasonable number of one of my friend’s old boyfriends. Better hers than mine, but this is getting ridiculous. Note to friend: run into your own old boyfriends. Thank you.
“So all you are going to do is work the rest of your life?” and “We are worried about you, financially”: Two comments, different friends. Note to friends: Here’s my bank account number; feel free to make large deposits frequently. Then I will be able to sashay about the planet and you won’t worry. Win-win.
Lose weight by watching tv: If you want to lose your appetite, turn on Strange Addictions. I’m sorry these people do what they do. Even if you have a stomach of steel, five minutes into this show will, at the very least, produce some serious gagging and an aversion to snacking between meals. Wretched.
“Your wait will be 18 seconds.”: Groovy! Got this customer service message yesterday when calling about insurance. Change that message! Waited 20 minutes and then instructed to leave a voice message. Yeah, right. Customer service, my ass.
Phone rings. “Hello?”: “What are you doing?” Oh, accepting the Nobel Peace Prize, building a rocket in the kitchen, rotating my tires …. I am answering the damn phone. And I thought it was obvious. Meh!
Enough! Ranting is no way to start the day. Better go check my bank account for large deposits.
It’s not all lemonade and lollipops around here; sometimes it’s a sauerkraut and Draino martini situation. That would be the last 24-hours. Despite my insane determination to maintain inner composure and be happy no matter what, my cup almost boiled over.
Took eldest daughter to dinner last night to celebrate her birthday. We had a nice time. During dinner, a friend and his daughter walked past our table; I had to say his name to get his attention. He said he didn’t recognize me because I am always reinventing myself. My reply, “Yep, me and Madonna.” WTH? Maybe it’s because the last time I saw him, I had shorter hair and a job.
Mi Madre called as I was running errands earlier. She wanted to let me know “what’s going on”. She probably needed to vent, but it was one misery after another. When she came up for air, I asked her if there was anything positive? NO! Wow. No matter how many times this happens, I don’t know how EVERYTHING can always be wrong. I can’t live there. Yikes.
Get a text from youngest daughter. She’d planned on driving four hours to one city, run a half-marathon, drive five hours home, attend Day 6 of her sister’s birthday festival, stay over for Mother’s Day lunch, then drive three hours back to school. We’re talking one weekend here. Her text said she realized she couldn’t do all that and I complimented her on being smart, not to mention, safe.
My friend calls and the conversation gets around to her sucky job. She said, “I think I want to quit and be like you, but I don’t have your bankroll.” Surely she meant “bedroll” cause that’s the only roll I have. I just said, “YE GODS, WOMAN, DO YOU KNOW OF WHAT YOU SPEAK?”. Then my cell phone went dead from lack of juice. Whew.
Get an email from younger daughter stating she could drive all over the state and would be doing so. Emailed back, “PLEASE RECONSIDER – NOT SAFE! I then text eldest daughter about Mother’s Day brunch and that her sister’s plans were not a good idea.
Get a rancid phone call from eldest daughter. I love her with all my heart, but she has a bit of a stubborn streak. She’s a teacher and probably had a rotten day. The only words I was able to understand from that spew was that I had assassinated her character(?). I could tell she was just getting started so I did what I always do when this happens; say “I love you” and hang up. No one speaks to me that way, especially my children. I mean, if God wants to talk, I’m all ears but that ain’t happening either. That I know of.
So now comes the part where you just know I am going to throw myself off the roof or at least wallow like a pig in a self-pity pool. SURPRISE! I’ve got fresh sheets on my bed, a sweet little dog that follows me wherever I go, food in my stomach, and a roof over my head. That trumps any and all of the day’s crapola.
Dear Smarter People Than Me (that would be a majority of the population on Wednesdays and Fridays):
I have a very small, very new candle company. The product rocks. The locals love. I do not sell to stores nor will I. Because the quality must be perfect for me to sell, the cost is higher than that of say, Glade.
I am prohibited from selling them on Etsy. While I select and purchase my fragrance oils, design and create all labels and marketing materials, I have a candlemaker. Which knocks me out of the homemade arena.
I’ve bought good stuff on eBay. But the candle section leaves me stone cold. I’m not a “Grandma’s Teacup filled with wax” kind of show. So now I am wondering if I just do my own website. If that is the case, where, what, and how much?
Thank you, in advance, for your consideration and input.
*just kidding about the smarter days – throw all seven in there*
After multiple years of forcing my children to deliver Christmas presents, this year I did it myself. Because they disappeared just about the time they heard the empty tape dispenser hit the garbage can. And … because I wanted to. First time for everything. I’m not the door-knocking, visiting sort. Just a overage elf, sneaking up to the front door and leaving the goods. Made a few observations while tearing about town.
Say everyone living in your house at this moment (i.e. home from college, rehab, prison) has a driver’s license and a car. If there are more than two of you, the outside of your home looks like a garage. The mechanic kind – where you take cars to be fixed. Gives sort of South Bronx veneer to the very nicest of neighborhoods.
Am convinced the recession skipped this area. (Not me, but everyone else). I have not seen as many mansions – serious housing – under construction, ever. I find this very confusing. Maybe some “numbers” type can straighten me out. Wow. Double Wow.
I LOVE those giant Christmas bulbs hanging everywhere – makes me feel like I’m on the set of BIG. Happy fun.
I noticed some homes that had been decorated to the hilt in prior years are void of any gay apparel. The homeowners are elderly now and I guess it’s too much to for them to festivate. Sniff, sniff. I would have helped them. There’s always next year, I guess.
It is unsafe on the streets during the day. Have almost been slaughtered too many times to count. By people who have no business behind the wheel. Some would say that would be me. But some can stick it up their nose. <meant in nicest way>
Better get back to the paper-tape-bow situation. More deliveries to make tomorrow. Please, please, PLEASE have a wonderful holiday. Really. Eat a bunch of food. Drink gallons of …whatever you please. Laugh as hard as possible. Remember the lonely and unloved. Enjoy the best way you can.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL! MAY PERFECT PEACE DWELL INSIDE YOUR HEART AND OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR.
*p.s. Don’t be getting the notion I’ve gone all sappy here. Just bought The Snark Handbookand The Snark Handbook, Insult Edition. Brushing up for the new year, I am. *
I’m a sponge. That is my new career of choice, in this interim between paying positions. Each day brings new ideas, different opinions and the notion that I have a whole lot of learning left to do. This “career” is a luxury and will not last forever. Have been reading quite a bit and some powerful words have literally taken my breath away. Three greats and a snark, to be specific.
Have not been a fan of Christopher Hitchens. Ever. Until this morning. His column in the current issue of Vanity Fair is true, and brave, exquisite, and terrifying. I read it twice, and I know I will read it again and again, making copies and passing them to friends. “The Topic of Cancer” is the header; he has been thrown a very ugly curve ball which he describes in a way that is so simple, so human, so beautiful. I’m rooting for you, Hitch!
Started Laura Munson’s“This Is Not The Story You Think It Is…”last night. After reading the first page, I knew she’d hit it out of the park and into the next county. This is her memoir and it has me entranced, involved, so much of what she has to say is so well communicated, so amazingly thoughtful, well, I’m halfway through (thanks to a three-hour power outage this afternoon) and I have only torn myself away from this treasure to write this post. She’s got a keen sense of humor, always a plus for me. At the moment, there is one line she wrote that I cannot get out of my mind; it made me feel good, “…Sometimes taking care of yourself meansletting yourself be misunderstood…” . More later, but borrow or buy this book. ASAP. It is that good.
Rooting through one pile of books, I came upon “Labor Day” by Joyce Maynard. The most memorable lines in this book, for me, describe loneliness perfectly. She writes, “…you are like one of those ceramic hedgehogs with the plants growing on it that the person who bought it forgot to water. You are like a hamster nobody remembered to feed”. Powerful stuff.
Snark On: VF also has an excerpt from “True Prep” by Lisa Birnbach. This is the “update” to her book, “The Official Preppy Handbook”. When she was writing the first book, somehow she got me on the phone. She was very persuasive and I was very young. Her book had a section on “prepster hot spots for each night of the week” for a number of cities. She needed the scoop for my city. RIGHT THAT MINUTE. So, I gave it to her. Bought the book when it was published. And there was all the info I gave her. When I write a book, I hope I acknowledge any and everyone who helped me. Just sayin’. And no, I won’t be reading this latest publication.
The curvy randamonium refers to my daily adventure quest and observations. Anything new, different, ironic:
Last night, my Cooking Partner and I grilled Portobello mushrooms (marinated beforehand with olive oil, garlic, balsamic vinegar and a dash of Worcestershire). Divine.
Found 17 gifts today (birthdays, Christmas, layoffs) and didn’t spend $150. These are good gifts, too. Am patting self on back because I’m a great “finder”. Hey, maybe a new career ……
Cooper the dog may get me booted from my home. He is obstinate and determined to do his thing wherever he wants. He always chooses the same place:
Yep, you can throw out all those corkscrews and fancy bottle openers. All you needed is a soft-soled shoe to neatly, completely get to the grape juice. Don’t worry if you don’t speak French, it is very visual. Who knew?
Having recently quit my job, it would be prudent for me to secure another. Have a friend who found a great job through Monster. com; Monsters scare me, ergo I’ve got other ideas. Instead of revving up my resumé, networking my ass off, all the while beseeching the heavens above for a massive dose of divine intervention, I’ve decided to take a different approach regarding employment.
Serious employers may apply for my services. I will review all applications and if I think we might be a “fit”, I’ll get back to you. Have been around the block enough to know that a job on paper is NEVER the job in reality. I will address my expectations, my strengths as an employee, and the bottom line.
My Job Expectations
This is the Win-Win Process. No time wasted. Nothing lost. No bad coffee, forced laughter, or stupid questions necessary.
I thrive in creative environments, wither in Mad Men/Women offices.
You will get what you pay for in terms of my output. I have experience in many areas. I have moments of brilliance. I have quite a bit of experience under my belt. If you appreciate this, encourage me, and pay me well, you will get 110-percent from me. If you are looking for a “deal”, pay less than my daughters make babysitting, please crawl off into the virtual bushes right now.
When I work for someone, whatever happens in the office stays in the office. I do not have loose lips. Before, during, and after employment.
If I like you and the job, I operate on the Rule of Three: you have a problem and need a solution. I will develop three options, then present them to you. You select one. It works. You are brilliant. I don’t care about the credit because you pay me so well to do what I do. Now that’s a hands-down, flat-out Win-Win. If you don’t understand this, join your friends in the bushes.
I get sassy when bullied. And then I cry. You have been warned. Other deal breakers include brow beating, nit-picking, and using a loud voice to make a point.
Let me know what you want me to do and I’ll do it. If you have a vague idea, let’s discuss it, hone it down, and get to the meat of the matter. Unfortunately, I was not born into a gypsy family. I don’t know what you want unless you do. Plus, I would never want to put Madame Poot.com or the Psychic Network out of business.
Part time or very flexible hours a must. For me, at least.
While I prefer to wear jeans to work, I do “clean up” well. You would have no problem with me representing you at The White House or White Castle.
Have written so many words for others, I am almost transparent. Can be wonderful or wicked – with words – depending on circumstances.
Can lift 10 pounds maximum.
Will “just say ‘NO'” if asked to if you ask me to do something illegal. Other deal breakers include requests to pick up drunk wife/husband, children,dogs, or laundry; perform household chores in your household; reveal my business which is none of yours; and I’ll add more to the list if you and your enterprise make it through this first round. *Rethinking the pick up deal – will pick up stated items for $200 per offense. See, I’m a diplomat, too!
Can write, think, create, knit, teach yoga, bake bread, make jewelry, and visualize.
Love to research. Amount of love poured into research depends on topic.
Cannot whistle. Please don’t ask me to. Very sensitive about that.
Am a happy morning person. Every business needs a happy morning person.
My experience is worth the price you will pay me to work for you. No insulting offers necessary.
While I cannot apply the optimistic phrase, “the world is your oyster” to my talents at this point, it doesn’t mean I am not optimistic or untalented. I have eaten that oyster. See: experience. Actually, I’m overflowing with joy and optimism that the word “overqualified” will not apply to me again. RE: job. In. this. lifetime. Fingers crossed.
See how I’ve avoided talking about the bucks – big or otherwise – until now? I mean, I’ve hinted but … I’ll be straightforward. I do not want to work because I need more stuff. I like to have a place to go in the morning. Am at the tail end of college tuition, etc. One out, one more year for the other. And, have no illusions that after I stamp that last college semester PAID, wedding bells could ring … simultaneously. Then there’s me and the dog. Fortunately, I am not desperate. And I will be picky. So, if you have good ideas and wonderful offers, bring ’em on. Like I said, I’ll get back to you.
*For the love of God, do not send me anything that is repulsive, gross, explicit, cold callish, telemarketing, blah blah. My “delete permanently” button works very well. Just sayin’.
Wanted: one gently used ark. Must float. Will pay $11.99. Haven’t seen the sun since June. While the rain provides a welcome respite from the usual 100-degree + temperatures – and gives the exhausted air conditioner a much-needed break – it also requires us to live like moles. Moldy moles. Stuck in the house hole for who knows how long. Which forces me to get creative – as opposed to sullen. Flowers always make me happy and I just happen to have a few more photos from recent trip.
My bag is packed. Did you know they make you pay to check a suitcase on a plane? Ridiculous. Shows you how long it’s been since I’ve been anywhere. Hopefully, I’ll be sitting on Lady Di’s porch at this same time tomorrow, enjoying a beverage or seven. With LD and Cowgirl. Can’t wait. Long overdue.