Pondering, Damn It All

Really!

Today has not been bad. It’s been … meh. preceded by much of the same. What do you do when you don’t know what to do?

The “experts” say the happiest people in this world are grateful, no matter what their circumstances. Cool. God knows I’m grateful. Just haven’t reached the “no matter what the circumstances” zone. Definitely something to aspire to.

i am going to start saying this!!

I get this way sometimes. Good grief, at this stage of the game, you’d think I’d have this life stuff all tied up in a bow. Maybe it’s dull routine, maybe it’s a long weekend stretching ahead.

Lethal

In the olden days, my “escape plan” from these feelings was not well thought out, but a plan nonetheless. Just get on I-10 and head west and eventually I would end up in California. Like I said, not much of a plan.

truth.

Painful but oh so true. And it’s pretty much self-inflicted as “others” have no concept of my expectations and that’s not fair to them.

So true

Note to self: No Instagram or Facebook until further notice.

Weight Loss Motivation How To Find It And Keep It

I like that idea. Lighten up and move on down the alphabet.

dance...

PERFECT!! My favorite thing to do. So I think I will dance and eat a bunch of chocolate.

Lord, listen through my heart.

That would sum it up.

Off to dance, eat chocolate, and pray.

Later.

Iz

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Weirdos and Words: Get Your Freak On

I love words. Which means I am a logophile. Have used this as my defense every time I get a message from WWF player calling bs on my submission. Bam! I love words. Sue me.

It could be much worse. Sharing ….

alektorophilia – obsession with roosters or chickens

gynotikolobomassophile – nibbler of women’s earlobes

harpaxophilia – affinity for getting robbed

apodysophilia – “feverish desire to undress”

An apodysophiliac might want to meet a clinophiliac because the clino has a passion for beds. Ok, no more matchmaking.

labeorphily – student and collector of beer bottle labels

pogonophile – beard lover

spermophile – “member of family of seed-loving rodents”; this one is weird. I know a lot of rodents, but they are human and drive cars. Must ask if they eat seeds.

If you are a logophile, there’s a great new iPhone app, Wordy, The Logophile’s Primer. The word for today is ““grindhouse“. I thought it was maybe a mill for grits but no …. a grindhouse is a “low-budget film theater that shows primarily exploitation films”. Nevermind.

Now I’m bored. The word for that is “flighty“.

Later.

*Don’t take your kids to a grindhouse to see Mary Poppins. Not gonna happen.

Heimliching My Dog and Other Stuff

Bear with me here – haven’t posted in so long, my fingers are rusty. But let’s do get down to business nonsense.

So, my dog will not re-enter the house without my giving him a treat. My bad and he’s a fatso as a result. But I digress. Several weeks ago, I provided the requisite treat to get his fat self back in the house. The treat was rather large. Several minutes later, I noticed him walking in circles, mouth open, ears down … choking. Somewhere, I’d read something about someone giving the Heimlich Maneuver to their animal. So I got my arms around him, did HM and out popped the offender. He was so happy, he went straight into Liberace mode.

Himself, after donning his faux fur stole

Hairy Stuff

So, my hair is longer than it’s been in 22 years. Big whoop, you say. Well, it’s working for me in two ways. First, my “do” is so patently different from my former “pixie”, I can go almost anywhere undetected. Really, people I’ve known since I was 12 don’t recognize me. So great for covert operations and dodging people I can’t possibly be nice to. Second, men like hair. Who knew? I’ve grown my hair out because I wanted to, period. But it is hilarious how many men talk to me. This is not a vanity thing; when you are a certain age, the eyes aren’t what they once were and I think they are just now figuring out I’m not a boy. Je suis tout étonné.

Need some awesome White Elephant gifts? I did and boy, did I hit the jackpot at Dollar Tree. Got 12 separate hair extension situations (a bevy of colors) for $12; my friends will be delighted.

Fab hair extensions, complete with braided bandeau

Old Photos

My mom keeps giving me old family photos. Here’s the latest – it’s really a dear mother/child shot.

My grandmother and mother - love

Books

Am working through a load of pages. My book club is reading “Unbroken” by Laura Hillenbrand. Having a bit of a time getting into it. Other pages I’m turning:

  • Big White Panties by Dale Alderman – sort of amusing but no classic
  • Stupid and Contagious by Caprice Crane – she’s pretty funny
  • Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer – loved this even though it broke my heart

Bargains

Two words:  Dollar Store. No, you can’t buy everything there, but you can save some bucks. Aside from hair extensions, these spots are the best for wrapping paper, gift sacks, tissue, dental floss and weirdo stuff from childhood. Have also found an online shopping secret … check out websites you purchase from; they often featured unadvertised discounts – like 30-40% off. Experts say the discounts will only get deeper. Just so you know.

Ok, gotta mush.

Be happy – it’s a choice.

Later.

The Laws of Attraction: Search Engine Quarterly

 

I need to clean up my act.  Every so often, I check on the terms people use to find this spot. A few of the latest ….

  • People playing Angry Birds at Royal Wedding (doubtful)
  • Angry Birds Royal Wedding (didn’t get that invite, either)
  • Royal Wedding makes me angry at my husband (ok)
  • Crazy art reindeer
  • Is wearing your knickers inside out lucky? (no, uncomfortable)
  • Do Indians believe that bird mess brings good luck? (have no idea)
  • Reality tv is filling our minds with bad things (yes, very bad, terrible things)
  • Don’t call me Edna (ok, Edna)
  • im not an idiot ok (yay you)
  • What does it mean by decaying of plants? (dead plants? duh?)
  • Dionne Warwick stink eye (see reality tv comment)
  • Hot dog woman (huh?)
  • Pantyhose dentist crowns my mouth (TMI)

Yep, I should really take a tonic and clean my mouth out with soap. But I’m going to clean house instead. Changing mind/woman’s prerogative.

Later.

Bucket Decorating & List Making

 

This ain’t no stinkin’ bucket list. Just so you know.

First things first. Lent starts Wednesday so I have given a little thought to what I’m giving up. And taking on. Which leads me to a word I use with gusto. It begins with F and ends in K. You can say it alone or add “you”, “me”, the names of friends, neighbors, family members, people on tv … well, the possibilities are ENDLESS! So, I’m giving up saying the F-word until April 24. Knowing myself all too well, I’ve made provisions for those times when I’m tempted.

Provision 1: Home: All credit for this goes to Amy Sedaris; one of her hilarious books, “I Like You … hospitality under the influence”, has a crafty little project called a “F*&k It Bucket“. Can’t reference what goes in it as some little f-er borrowed and never returned my copy but that’s not the point. I’ve made my own FIB. Any time I am provoked to think about saying the word, I will write down the person, place, or thing that is pissing me off and drop it in the bucket. Easter Bonfire, my house, dusk.

Provision 2: Away : Will always have some iMechanism with me. All equipment features the EXPLICIT version of Cee Lo Green‘s song, “F**K You“. The nice version, “Forget You” simply will not do. When my feathers get ruffly, I’ll simply smile and play that tune AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE! I would say the w-w word here, but Charlie Sheen has stomped that sucker dead.

More Changes Beginning Wednesday

  • No “Dancing With the Stars” this season. Am giving up watching this more out of pity than sacrifice. The cast absolutely sucks, I thought Wendy Williams was a man, and poor Kirstie Alley, well I can’t even go there.
  • I will take Cooper (my dog) on longer walks each day so his nickname will not be Fatticus Finch.
  • I will not pretend I don’t speak English when people I don’t like ask me questions.
  • I will not cross my eyes and make gagging noises when helpful people tell me what I should be doing to improve my life.
  • Anonymous good deeds … can’t say any more on these as they are … anonymous.
  • Giving up jalapeno potato chips and jalapeno Cheetos. HARD! And Scotch, green peas, and yams. EASY!
  • Exercise every day
  • No Whining – ughhhhhhhhhhhhh!
  • Be sweet – aggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Off to put the second coat of varnish on my f-ing bucket. 🙂

Later.

A Crock of …

 

I wish I had his shirt. Not his shit, just the shirt.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I’ll write. If you are coming late to the party, I absolutely DO NOT  nor have I ever had any interest in online dating. Soooo happy for all the happy couples who met that way. So glad it works for so many. So glad if you like lima beans. I don’t. And that is my prerogative. Online dating + me = NO FRIGGING WAY. Which makes the next part of this story ironic.

Stuck in the house like the rest of the country, I’m on the computer … a lot. Oh boy, here’s a free personality test. I love those, I mean, there is always room for improvement, right? It started out simply … no real names, interests, yada yada … and before I knew it, I was in a bait-and-switch operation, on an online dating site. Ok, screw you, scammers. So I filled in their questions with some real and many false answers.

  • Do you smoke? Constantly!
  • How many drinks do you have per week? Can’t count that high.
  • Education level? Forth fOrt fourth grade
  • Income? ( -$150,000.79) that would be negative
  • Favorite music? Appalachian garage bands
  • Your idea of a great date? Get stinking drunk, throw up on the beach, start drinking again, get arrested.

Then there was a spot where you had to write 200 words about yourself. I typed “Blah” until it reached the stopping point. No photo, nothing. Next thing I know, an email address I have reserved for “trash” is full of creepy “matches”. DELETE. And they just kept coming. DELETE x 30. Really. I assure you, with the information I provided, a man would have to be a psychopath to want to “chat”. Psychopath is so last year. Really.

Had to make all sorts of threats to the administrators of the site to remove myself. I never “joined” or paid a dime. So, my inadvertent and very brief experience with online dating was over before it ever got started. Thank God.

Today, Lady Di sent me an email. She has a precious friend in Arizona who does use one of those sites. The email included her friends’ new “matches”. I almost started crying for her and I don’t even know her. Never have I seen a more motley crew of Eeyores. I know it is shallow to judge anyone, especially by photo. But if these poor souls were putting their best face forward, well, it can best be described as desperate Photoshop situation.

If it’s not organic, I don’t want to play. Which brings many “tsk tsks” from well-meaning friends; the few who haven’t given up on me as a “hopeless case”. After my divorce, I was with a group of women and we were talking about dating. Out of eight, two of us were single. When I said  it was rather difficult to meet nice people, one of the women turned to me and said, “You had your chance and you blew it. That part of your life is over”. Meaning, because my marriage didn’t last, there was absolutely no reason to consider another relationship. Ever.

Hmmm. That comment knocked the wind out of me. I’ve made peace with her and her comment; I make daily peace with the fact that all circumstances indicate she’s right. At least she didn’t say, “Good things come to those who wait” or any of the other platitudes that do more harm than good. And this is the part where I say …. WHATEVER. Enough.

In the WTF department: just stepped outside to turn on a light and A BIRD SHAT ON MY HEAD. This is getting ridiculous. First my wrist, then my chesticle, now my head. Surely someone can find some meaning in this other than I am a bird shit magnet. Aggghhhhhhhhh!

Stay warm. It is colder here in Texas than it is in Alaska right now.

Later. Maybe.

 

 

Joy … in the morning?

Joy.

That’s the word on the candle I pulled out today. So far, the vibe is very good … laughter, imagination, JOY!

I thought about my recent conversation with a homeless man. He said, “Every day you wake up on this side of the dirt is a good day“. Joy, in various forms, is everywhere; we just can’t see it or feel it sometimes.

So I decided to be joyous about unloading the dishwasher that does not clean the dishes. Piped up the iPod and danced while unloading the unclean dishes into a sink full of soapy water. Dancing makes me happy. My dog thinks I am strange. Feh!

The happy, happy, joy, joy situation lasted right up to the minute after my youngest walked in the door from Austin. She’s home just long enough to pack and head out to California. She is a runner with a bad muscle pull and two half-marathons scheduled for this month. She has not been able to run in two weeks. She is not joyous. But I was happy to see her. She verbally stuck a pin in my joy bubble. “I’m so worried about you. How can candles support you? What is your business plan? Don’t you think you need to go out and get a job and have some income? “

I was speechless – and that’s a first. When I found my words, I’m afraid they were NOT VERY NICE. Am not used to being grilled, especially by my daughter. Apologies were issued all around. When I had a moment to think about it, it occurred to me that her worries for the future fueled her inquisition. Been there, felt that. But what was hardest on her was the fact that I was NOT tearing my hair out and biting my nails down to the quick, gnashing my teeth and wandering about in a state of torment. As if. That would have been my MO in the olden days, but that was then and this is now.

Next time anyone peppers me with a rapid fire of personal questions, family or otherwise, I will pull out my current favorite snark response: “I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?”

Off to focus on JOY, damn it!

Later.