Pondering, Damn It All

Really!

Today has not been bad. It’s been … meh. preceded by much of the same. What do you do when you don’t know what to do?

The “experts” say the happiest people in this world are grateful, no matter what their circumstances. Cool. God knows I’m grateful. Just haven’t reached the “no matter what the circumstances” zone. Definitely something to aspire to.

i am going to start saying this!!

I get this way sometimes. Good grief, at this stage of the game, you’d think I’d have this life stuff all tied up in a bow. Maybe it’s dull routine, maybe it’s a long weekend stretching ahead.

Lethal

In the olden days, my “escape plan” from these feelings was not well thought out, but a plan nonetheless. Just get on I-10 and head west and eventually I would end up in California. Like I said, not much of a plan.

truth.

Painful but oh so true. And it’s pretty much self-inflicted as “others” have no concept of my expectations and that’s not fair to them.

So true

Note to self: No Instagram or Facebook until further notice.

Weight Loss Motivation How To Find It And Keep It

I like that idea. Lighten up and move on down the alphabet.

dance...

PERFECT!! My favorite thing to do. So I think I will dance and eat a bunch of chocolate.

Lord, listen through my heart.

That would sum it up.

Off to dance, eat chocolate, and pray.

Later.

Iz

Grateful

When my eldest was in preschool, her class did a project for Parent Night. Each child was told to draw a picture of what they were grateful for and the teacher would write their explanation underneath. The “grateful proclamations” were posted up and down the halls. As parents entered the building, there were the sweet drawings. Most of the artwork featured Mommy, Daddy, Siblings, and Pets. Searching for what Miss Peach was grateful for, I noticed a clump of parents around one drawing. Ah, there it was. My daughter was grateful for fried chicken. Just another proud moment.

While I find fried chicken tasty, I am grateful for:

  • My daughters, my parents, my sister
  • A roof over my head and food in the pantry
  • Friends, especially those “heart” friends I would do anything for and I know that feeling is reciprocal
  • My sweet little dog who loves me and never leaves my side … or feet, which can be a problem but he means well
  • The good mornings that follow bad nights
  • Freedom
  • Inspiration
  • The knowledge that I am not in charge of the universe. Breathe in, breathe out.  On those days when I feel I can’t handle another broken something, when I doubt I can put one foot in front of the other, when the forest is so dense and scary and thick I couldn’t find a tree if I walked right into it, there is comfort in the breathe. Peace comes eventually. And I remember the world doesn’t spin on my axis. Thank God.
  • A job I enjoy so much it doesn’t feel like a job
  • The ability to make a difference, however small, for the better
  • Hugs. There is nothing as comforting and necessary for the soul as the human touch. Many people are “starving” for this. So simple, so easy to give. And oh so easy to receive.

Later.

Self-Medicating with Words

I will go to great lengths to make a day that feels “less than” feel “more than”. Today, I’m rolling around in the following quotes:

  • “If you think you are too small to make a difference, you’ve never been in a tent with a mosquito.” Regina Brett
  • “What motivates you more: a correction or a compliment?” Jenny Dintzler
  • “Things that matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.” Goethe
  • “A belief has no power other than what you give it.”
  • “Happiness happens when you least inspect it.”
  • “Stay open all hours for miracles.”
  • “We are born at peace.”
  • “Happiness doesn’t always make you happy.” Gretchen Rubin
  • “It is better to sleep on what you intend doing than to stay awake over what you’ve done.”
  • “I’ll sing for my supper but I won’t audition.” Kaminsky & Penney
  • “Change happens slowly, then all at once.”
  • “What looks like an anchor may be wings.”
  • “Instead of treating people the way you want to be treated, treat people the way they want to be treated.” Regina Brett
  • “None of us have a crystal ball. We may feel like things are hard and we are stuck with a lemon today. But tomorrow could bring many beautiful things if our hearts are open and willing.” Divorced Girl/Vibrant Nation
  • “If you see a red flag, don’t try to make it magenta. What you see is the way it is. Believe it and act accordingly.” Magnolia Miller
  • “The best test of a person’s character is how he/she treats those with less power … the way you act when you can’t be held accountable, how you treat those who can do nothing for you.”
  • “All you need is love.” The Beatles

Now.

Later.

Now and Later.

I Would Marry My Dog if He Could Talk and Screw in a Light Bulb

And a few other things … but that’s the truth. And, that’s exactly what I said to the last man who asked. When I get the “I thought you’d be remarried by now!” and the “Why aren’t you remarried yet? stuff, I’m very honest. I was married for 20 years, it didn’t work out. While I’ve had relationships since, none have been worth a lifetime commitment. Doesn’t mean it won’t ever happen, just that I can’t be a nurse and won’t be purse. Kooky? Yes. Stupid? Not so much. Until then, it’s me and him …..

Get me a beer, pronto!

Onto other kooky stuff –

I was in a great shop yesterday. A cute mom and her daughter, a blonde version of Holly Golightly, came in. “Holly” wanted to try on a few things while Mom took a seat for the fashion show. Do you know what a “hanger” is? The female human version usually has broad shoulders, is thin, and can wear anything. “Holly” was a hanger, so her options were endless. While Mom told me her life story as well as those focusing on the health of her extended family, “Holly” rocked the racks.

In the middle of this personal/retail therapy situation, in blew our town’s version of Mr. Fabulous (think Martin Short as Franck inFather of the Bride and/or the enthusiastic(!) Kevin Lee on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). But our Mr. Fab is very attractive and has better bs. Nevertheless, it was double air kisses all around and he added levity to the therapy show. Mom’s stories were getting sadder and sadder, so I was damn glad to see him. When “Holly” came out in her 47th outfit (I kid you not), Fab turned to me and said, “Your top is amazingly beautiful”. So, being the truthful sort, I announced to the whole store, “I got it at Walmart and it cost $9.” Shut it down, shut it down, SHUT IT DOWN!

At the mention of Walmart, Mr. Fab had to dash. Mom and “Holly” weren’t far behind, not because of Walmart, but because the racks were now bare and Mom was about to gnaw her left arm off as she was starving. As for me, I just chalked it up to yet another adventure, drove home and collapsed after walking and feeding Himself. He didn’t give a bone what I’d been through.

When reviewing yesterday, I’ve come to several conclusions. Mom needed to talk and I listened. Next time, I’m charging for it. Mr. Fabulous is always in a good mood. “Holly” had a big time.  I’m keeping my fashion secrets to myself. And am rethinking dog marriage; he’s like the others, just wants to be fed. Thank God, sex is not in the equation.

Some adventures aren’t all they are cracked up to be. And a lot of people are cracked.

Be happy. It’s a choice.

Later.

“You Make My Hair Hurt”

My friend uses that expression. She also says, “Colder than a Norwegian well digger’s ying yang”, to indicate a “chilly environment”.

She would not use that phrase here and now, where it is 300-degrees in the shade at dusk. It is hotter than a Acapulco hotel room with naugahyde bedspreads and a broken air conditioner. The same friend and I know how hot that is. After dining on a lovely rotten fish dinner the night before, we were sick as dogs. Hurling ourselves off our second floor balcony to end our misery was not an option. Because we were stuck to our naugahyde bedspreads. I’m thinking that these coverlets were quite efficient for the staff; just hose off the dead people, throw the corpses out, and remake the beds, lickety split.

  I love colorful phrases although I don’t necessarily like to live them. On that note, I’ve been  culling through my files, looking for other expressions thrown around in these parts. Sharing:

    • “Your ass is grass and I’m the lawn mower. (Someone is in solid trouble)
    • “Sweating like a whore in church.”
    • “I’m so hungry, I could eat a frozen dog.” (Back off, PETA, it’s just a phrase hungry drunk people use)
    • “My cow died last night so I don’t need your bull.”
    • “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
    • “He’s trouble looking for a place to happen.”
    • “Well, the people in hell want ice water.” (You won’t be getting whatever it is you want)
    • “Crazier than an outhouse mouse.”
    • “That would gag a maggot.” (See naugahyde bedspread/corpses)
    • “I may have been born at night, but not last night.”
    • “It’s time for a “Come to Jesus” meeting.” (I was invited to many of those; not religious events)
    • “Earth is full. Go home.”

I’ll leave you with one piece of advice:  naugahyde is NOT your friend.  Off to sit in the fridge and chill.

Later.

You are the Reason I’m on Medication

Good Grief! Bear with me here – the three “situations” I attribute my need for medication to – are not the only reason(s) – I own my kookiness. Nevertheless, I was already thinking I needed to up my dosage after the last week. As of today, I know that’s right! Yikes!

  • People Who Have NEVER Had A Good Day and Don’t Think You Should, Either: “Who can take a sunrise and sprinkle it with dew doo doo?” Unhappy people, that’s who! Have you never heard Abe Lincoln’s saying, Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be?”  Didn’t think so.  God knows, I’ve been one unhappy person many a time and thought that therapy throwdowns like,Happiness comes from within” and “Happiness is a choice” were pure horse shit. Am happy to say I believe those words and there is nothing horsey about them. Here’s something to chew on, Eeyores: Carlos Castaneda said,“The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable or make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.”

It’s no secret that I am right up there with the best of them in the Dating Hall of What The Hell? Don’t get me wrong, I have had some lovely relationships. On the other side of the coin, some have been anything but. What are the odds I would have encounters with two of the unlovely in one day? And, to quote my friend, Cowgirl, “it’s not even a full moon”?

Encounter #1:   Fueled by a need for food, I drove to Whole Foods. Got my little cart and headed to the prepared food area. I felt a presence near me at the counter, looked over, and there was one handsome man smiling at me. As I smiled back, I spotted an Ex examining the rotisserie chicken. I ducked because I know him to be a NUTJOB x 200. Last time I ran into him – at another grocery store – he grabbed me and tried to have a make out session in Aisle Two. Gross. When I instantly went from 5’7″ to 3’7″, cute guy evaporated. Had to duck walk to checkout. Checker asked me if I needed assistance. Told him I was practicing a new form of walking yoga. Totally legit in Whole Foods. Crawl into my car – feel shaken, not stirred. Woo Hoo!

Encounter #2:  Sitting at my desk, doing all sorts of things you do at your desk when you are unemployed, I hear the “zing” my phone makes when I get a text message. This is what I read: “You can run … but I will always find you!!” This, from another EX I haven’t seen or spoken to in a month of Sundays +. Read: no contact, period. Feeling shaken and stirred. Any more of those “zings” = Restraining Order. Good grief!

Is it any wonder I’ve deferred all dating decisions to Divine Intervention? And take happy pills? Off to supersize those puppies!

Later.

*Ellen DeGeneres has not contacted me about a job … yet. I still think she ‘s funny.

*Par-Tay, if you read this, please do not share with parentals or you will need to take out a restraining order on me. xo

Shopping for Novelties?!?

 

I love to shop. But you need money for that. So now I “window” shop. Online. Somehow, I bumped into some funny items the other day. Very Necessary Items. If you are of a certain twisted mindset. Sharing:

On the website perpetualkid.com I found the following:

  • Lunch Lady Action Figure, $9.99 (can’t you just smell the yeast?)
  • “Maybe You Touched Your Genitals Hand Sanitizer”, $4.99 (this is just flat-out great bs)
  • Instant Underpants, $3.99 (apparently an underwear pellet requiring a good watering results in a serviceable pair of undies. Wet undies. Hmmm)
  • Ear Guards, $2.99 (as best as I can tell, these are two little ear shower caps to wear to bed; supposedly these will keep creepy crawlers out of the ear canal. Disgusting thought.)

Another website, appropriately called wastesomecash.com, had some interesting offerings:

  • Potty Putter, $29.95 (multi-tasking for golf enthusiasts?)
  • Corn Dog Chap Stick, $2.90 (there really is no accounting for taste; this is proof)
  • Happy Gum for Your Crappy Life,  $1.69 (I am saving my pennies and buying a case of this stuff!)
  • Fake Moles with Hair, $1.95, and Fake Pimples and Warts ( a must when you want to make a good impression)

And last, but certainly not least, I found THE PERFECT ACCESSORY for myself. Have had a problem with birds. Dropping their business on me. A lot. Of birds and business. But that’s old news; I’ve got protection ….

 

Later. If I can ever figure out why the color system on this toolbar is wacked.

A Crock of …

 

I wish I had his shirt. Not his shit, just the shirt.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I’ll write. If you are coming late to the party, I absolutely DO NOT  nor have I ever had any interest in online dating. Soooo happy for all the happy couples who met that way. So glad it works for so many. So glad if you like lima beans. I don’t. And that is my prerogative. Online dating + me = NO FRIGGING WAY. Which makes the next part of this story ironic.

Stuck in the house like the rest of the country, I’m on the computer … a lot. Oh boy, here’s a free personality test. I love those, I mean, there is always room for improvement, right? It started out simply … no real names, interests, yada yada … and before I knew it, I was in a bait-and-switch operation, on an online dating site. Ok, screw you, scammers. So I filled in their questions with some real and many false answers.

  • Do you smoke? Constantly!
  • How many drinks do you have per week? Can’t count that high.
  • Education level? Forth fOrt fourth grade
  • Income? ( -$150,000.79) that would be negative
  • Favorite music? Appalachian garage bands
  • Your idea of a great date? Get stinking drunk, throw up on the beach, start drinking again, get arrested.

Then there was a spot where you had to write 200 words about yourself. I typed “Blah” until it reached the stopping point. No photo, nothing. Next thing I know, an email address I have reserved for “trash” is full of creepy “matches”. DELETE. And they just kept coming. DELETE x 30. Really. I assure you, with the information I provided, a man would have to be a psychopath to want to “chat”. Psychopath is so last year. Really.

Had to make all sorts of threats to the administrators of the site to remove myself. I never “joined” or paid a dime. So, my inadvertent and very brief experience with online dating was over before it ever got started. Thank God.

Today, Lady Di sent me an email. She has a precious friend in Arizona who does use one of those sites. The email included her friends’ new “matches”. I almost started crying for her and I don’t even know her. Never have I seen a more motley crew of Eeyores. I know it is shallow to judge anyone, especially by photo. But if these poor souls were putting their best face forward, well, it can best be described as desperate Photoshop situation.

If it’s not organic, I don’t want to play. Which brings many “tsk tsks” from well-meaning friends; the few who haven’t given up on me as a “hopeless case”. After my divorce, I was with a group of women and we were talking about dating. Out of eight, two of us were single. When I said  it was rather difficult to meet nice people, one of the women turned to me and said, “You had your chance and you blew it. That part of your life is over”. Meaning, because my marriage didn’t last, there was absolutely no reason to consider another relationship. Ever.

Hmmm. That comment knocked the wind out of me. I’ve made peace with her and her comment; I make daily peace with the fact that all circumstances indicate she’s right. At least she didn’t say, “Good things come to those who wait” or any of the other platitudes that do more harm than good. And this is the part where I say …. WHATEVER. Enough.

In the WTF department: just stepped outside to turn on a light and A BIRD SHAT ON MY HEAD. This is getting ridiculous. First my wrist, then my chesticle, now my head. Surely someone can find some meaning in this other than I am a bird shit magnet. Aggghhhhhhhhh!

Stay warm. It is colder here in Texas than it is in Alaska right now.

Later. Maybe.

 

 

Just Because: Do the Math

 

This life is full of emotional math. One minute, you are whistling a happy tune, walking on the sunny side of the street. Blink. You are at a dead-stop in a silent place you cannot identify. And there are no signs and there are too many signs, indicating where your next step should be.  Addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division. Math did not come easy to me in school. Life does not come easy to anyone. But, subtraction is overcome by addition, division by multiplication. This I do know. Just because.

Latest lessons (using “I” only because it is easier; feel free to insert “you” anywhere):

  • Just because … I can’t see doesn’t mean I don’t want to. Often times, we are irritated and impatient with others when we believe they are beating a dead horse, not moving fast enough, lazy, playing the victim. Guilty. Add compassion.
  • Just because … you find yourself “lost” does not mean you will not be “found”. Subtract despair, multiply hope. 
  • Just because … you face the unknown on all fronts does not mean anything other than you may be at the doorstep of the best life you’ve ever known. Negative thinking is easy. Divide it into smithereens, erase, and add amazing possibilities to each and every half empty glass in your possession.
  • Just because … you perceive a situation one way doesn’t mean it is true. A friend told me she’d recently seen another friend; instead of stopping to chat, the other friend turned and went a different way. Friend #1 had hurt feelings. What friend #1 didn’t know is that friend #2 was in a state of grief and despair, unable to talk to anyone at the time. “Things” usually aren’t what they seem. Isn’t this the spot where we subtract ego and add mercy?
  • Just because … I do what must be done does not mean I am “strong”. It means I don’t have a choice, a receiver going wide to catch my pass. “A joy shared is doubled, a sorrow shared is divided.” Subtract judgemental attitude, add empathy and provide a shoulder for the “strong” so they have a place to lean.
  • Just because … you reach out to a friend and the friend blows you off doesn’t make that friend a bad person. We all interpret needs differently. May I remember I am never too busy, too tired, not interested, or too self-absorbed to set aside all that to grasp a hand extended to me. Add discernment, subtract agenda. Multiply with love.
  • Just because … someone doesn’t operate the way I think they should doesn’t make me right. Intolerant and judgemental? Yes. May I remember that most everyone is doing the very best they can. This is not a hall pass for the intentionally harmful; but it is a reminder to me that I can add a whole bunch more kindness, love, consideration, and patience when dealing with most everyone.

There is always a learning curve, isn’t there? And the road goes squiggly just when you think you’ve got a most excellent grip on your life. But it is in the releasing that grip on what wasn’t, opening your eyes, your hands, and your heart to whatever comes next … well, that’s where the lesson is. And God knows, I still have much to learn.

Just because….

Monkey Mind Monday

Man, am I glad it’s Monday. I think. Another rollercoaster week over. Have not written a word or pulled out even one of my 350 inspiration candles in seven days.  WARNING: this post will meander, so join me only if you are up for … whatever. If you have suggestions to any questions I pose, bring them on!

Beauty from Lady Di's MV garden

I thought it would be a good idea to start with a pretty picture. So there.

  • The very best dress I have seen to date was worn by Claire Danes last night at the Golden Globes. Perfection by Calvin Klein
  • Lady Di entertained Cowgirl and me in Dallas for 48 hours. As always, it was the best kind of fun – incessant laughter (all of us) and waterworks (provided by moi). My two blessings – in human form. Also enjoyed a cameo appearance by Lord Di aka Dr. Twistoff. Woo Hoo! He was dashing off for a South Texas adventure … with Nick Mason. Just another brick in the wall…. if you are scratching your head re: NM, google Pink Floyd. Which reminds me of surprising info I heard recently…
  • A new friend was recounting a recent phone call he’d had with his friend in Nashville. Apparently the Nashville guy and his wife were hosting her tennis group’s holiday party. And in walks Stevie Winwood. Just another team member’s mate. Awesome. The confused may google the man, Blind Faith, and Traffic. Roll with it …..
  • It could just be the people I know, but 95-percent of everyone is up to their eyeballs in major issues … did the moon fall off or what? Can’t stand for anyone to have problems but it is part of life. But this is BEYOND. Between aging/and or ill parents, errant children, empty pockets, too many pockets, emergency appendectomy ( is that ever planned?) – well, we’re all just shoveling shit as fast as we can. And it stinks. I want some life perfume and I promise to share. That being said, I KNOW my very worst day is another’s very best so …
  • Am quite comfortable in my cozy home. Just me and the dog. What I find I miss – at times – is companionship. Conversation. Bouncing ideas, thoughts, concerns back and forth. Doing stuff.  But my companion compass is wacked – I can’t pick’em for the life of me (i.e. last year’s model was the essence of a bad country-western song … lying, cheating, blah, blah, blah). Didn’t invest much so it wasn’t a loss but a win for me. Still….
  • When someone in my position tries to explain this inexplicable feeling which translates as “Damn it to hell, I am SO tired of responsibility and other stuff”, friends do their best to comfort me, providing suggestions and encouraging words. And they are well-meaning suggestions. Actually, there’s a funny aside to this. There are brave people and weenies. I would be a weenie. Brave people seek companionship all sorts of ways – joining groups, online connections, etc. Cowgirl defined my Achilles heel last week. Anytime words like “e-harmony” and “match.com” are mentioned, I burst into tears. Will. Not. Go. There. The. End. Am so delighted for all the people who do. Just not that woman. And I don’t want any lectures; if that’s your deal, fab. End of story.
  • A bird just shat on my left breasticle. Does that mean anything other than I have to go change shirts now?

Putting you out of your misery, I’m off to repair my wardrobe malfunction. Really hope you are having a much better life than described above. Really.

Later.

**Forgot to tell you the seven candle words I pulled: curiosity, excellence, success, balance, creativity, longevity, and harmony.