Herding Unicorns

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Methinks herding unicorns is about as easy as hunting for a job.  As I am currently involved in the latter, I know of what I speak.  My Dad, the man who paid for my college education, suggested I apply to be a greeter at Walmart. While I’m sure Walmart greeting is a lovely occupation, I don’t think the blue apron thing is bulletproof and am far too snarky to smile for eight hours.  Unless the salary is a $500/hour situation.

My French friend, AJ, wants me to teach conversational English.  Bless her heart, she doesn’t know I have been a very bad teacher.  I don’t believe instructing her to say “Hell, no!”, “Are you kidding me?”, “Get lost!” and other pleasantries will be of much help.  At least she will never be bullied.  Could totally teach conversational cursing but don’t think the position exists.  If you’d like to take this course, it’s $500/hour.

You may wonder what my skill set includes. This would be laughing, walking my dog, reading, and eating.  I know, amazing, right?  Seriously, I do have experience in many areas.  Just have to find that golden ticket.  And I will.  Maybe it’s canning cornichons, testing trampolines … the possibilities are endless.  My only prerequisite is a salary.

The very best outcome would be to do what I love while helping as many people as possible. Please do not suggest customer service.

Off to jump in my bed and pull covers over my head.  Because this is such a productive activity and representative of stong motivation and focus. Gah!

Later.

Friendship is a Sticky Wicket

Apparently it’s National Friendship Week.  Next week reserved for red noses. But I digress …

My Dad once said, “If you have a handful of true friends, you are lucky.”  At the time, I thought he was being negative and ridiculous.  Why, I had a million friends (I was young).  Turns out, he was right and I was wrong.  And, surprisingly, I love when I am proven wrong because I learn from it.  And it’s important to me to never stop learning.  I am lucky. I do have a handful of true friends, precious gifts I love and treasure.

Friendship is a sticky wicket. A delicate situation.  I love my friends.  I’m hard to love, so I’m lucky to have any.

imageAnd then there are the others … fabulous and not so much –

  • The Forever Friends – these are the wonderful people I may not see for 10 days, weeks, or years yet we pick up right where we left off  – ahh, beautiful!
  • I Wanna Talk About Me” Friends – we all have them; as long as they are the subject of all conversation, all is well.  Try to get a word in edgewise, like “Oops, I’m bleeding to death” – impossible.  Just gotta love them anyway.  From a distance.
  • Let’s Have Lunch Friends – never happening, don’t kid yourself.  They are really awesome people but chicken salad sandwiches and iced tea are not anywhere in your future.
  • Spill Your Guts/I Don’t Know You Friends – they appear at your door, spill their guts about a situation, situation gets fixed.  Next time they see you, they look right through you.  Pitiful.  Don’t answer door next time.
  • Deep As A Pie Pan Friends – can only talk about parties, travel, clothes, and light fabulousity; requires massive quantities of NoDoz and temporary loss of short-term memory.

So now I’m thinking I really am lucky to have my handful. As for the rest, move along. In the words of my new hero, Mark Manson, “I don’t give a f*&@!”.  (You are thinking this started out so nicely … SURPRISE!).

Off to work out snarkiness … maybe

Later

P.S. Many thanks to bestie Austin Ann for intro to writing of Mark Manson

Letter to My Daughter

 

Dearest Sweet Pea,

You will always be my baby. When I was pregnant with you, I was fearful. Fearful because I’d already had your sister and I didn’t know how I could love another baby as much as I loved her. Those worries evaporated the moment I first saw you. There is no measure for the love I have for you, my beautiful child.

As you know, this letter has been requested because you will graduate in May. And, as you know, I’m prone to whimsy. With that and this request in mind, I turned around and invited my amazing blogger friends to offer tips and advice for a young woman preparing to make her way in the world. Much of what you read here was graciously offered by these fine people. And so we’re off….

  • If it takes five minutes, do it.
  • Two words:  duct tape.
  • Always keep your eyes on your own paper.
  • Say, “I don’t know” when you don’t.
  • Live BIG. Paint your life with broad strokes using bold colors.
  • Keep your words soft and tender as you will have to eat them sometimes.
  • Don’t dig a debt hole and jump in.
  • You always have a home with me.
  • When you need to scream, go somewhere appropriate and do so.
  • Soon you will soon wake up – not go to bed – at 6 am.
  • You always have a choice, even if it is only a choice of your attitude.
  • If a man tells you that you are too good for him, believe it!
  • Skills to learn: change a tire, unclog a drain, drive a stick shift.
  • Know the difference between spontaneity (good) and impulsivity (not so much).
  • The ground is level. Don’t judge anyone unless you go to law school, pass the bar, get elected, and have a gavel.
  • Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
  • “Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.”
  • Every rule has an exception.
  • Albert Einstein said, “God does not play dice with the universe.” There are no coincidences.
  • You have a million dollar smile. Go to the dentist regularly so you keep it.
  • “Men are like Government Bonds; they take soooooo long to mature.”
  • “Having it all doesn’t mean having it all at once.”
  • Trust your instincts. Period.
  • Always try to be present. And take deep breaths.
  • When you are hungry, eat. When you are tired, sleep.
  • Laugh as much as possible.

Enough for now. You are beautiful, bright, wise and kind, all wrapped up in a unique package of loveliness. Do not fret about the new world you will step into. I assure you, the best is yet to come!

You love me and I love you more. You will understand this when you have your first child. It would be nice if you married beforehand. But not right this minute as the money tree has been reduced to a weed.

Love you to the moon and back, Sweetie.

Mom

P.S. All “borrowed” jewelry, purses, shoes, dresses and anything else I don’t know is missing yet may be returned in June, which we’ll call “Amnesty Month”.

P.P.S. I’m sorry we called you “Cousin It” and “David Letterman” when you were little.

P.P. S. S. Did I tell you how much I love you?

 

Please Kick Me … Gently

I’m in a pickle. Call it mental paralysis. Not a pity party. A swift kick in the butt is not going to get me going again. I find myself back at square one, for the 2376th time and am feeling all the items listed in photo. Baby steps. Haven’t been able to take one. Want to. Have done everything I can think of to get this little engine started. But often times, better ideas come from others. That could be you.

What inspires you? What tiny or giant “thing” creates that “aha” moment? I live by the credo, “fall down 7 times, get up 8” yet I am having difficulty getting up. Any and all suggestions will be thoroughly considered and most appreciated. Two things you should know if/before responding: I am harder on myself than you could ever be (all things medical, therapeutic, etc. are under control) and I am interested in what works for you, what you do and how you do it.  If you so choose:

Bring it on!!!!!!

Absurd Singles Advice

Ok, so Marie Claire magazine has an “Ask & Answer” column posted; the title, “Four Things That Make Women Unapproachable“.  The minus-dumb “things” are attributed to anonymous. That is the only good thing about this advice.  No one would want his name connected to this. And why do they write this crap for women?

“You look angry.”  Maybe she’s pissed she’s stuck at a lame party.  Maybe she recognizes you from a past life, a bad date, or she has just gotten some rotten news.  In any case, she doesn’t WANT you to approach her. Sod off!

“You’re not locking eyes.”  Patently ridiculous … you’ve been watching too many chick flicks.  She isn’t looking or locking because she doesn’t WANT you to approach her.  Take a hike.

“You’re too flirtatious.”  Really?  She’s busy making opportunities, might have even thrown a flirt your way, and you are already bitching about it?  You don’t even know her.  You are overthinking this; go home and play Nintendo; don’t come out of your cave until you mature.

“You’re surrounded by friends.”  Since when is having a lot of friends a bad thing?  Would you prefer a lone, smiling, cross-eyed zombette standing in the corner? Thought so.

Seems to me, the “advice” came from Mr. Pathetic who has the confidence of a slug. Hear women laughing everywhere at this drivel.  So, put on your bullet-proof boxers (no man panties!), and I’ll give you four circumstances that make a woman unapproachable.

“She is holding a loaded AK-47 and it is pointed at you.”  It would be unwise to suggest dinner and a movie at this time.

“She is massively pregnant and standing with her husband.”  That means someone else locked eyes with her 10 months ago.  And put a ring on it.  Need I say, “Look elsewhere”?

“She is stinking drunk and can’t stand up.”  The gentlemanly thing to do is to help her to a seat and run.  Anything that happens when she has pitched a drunk will not lead to meaningful.  And you might get thrown up on.

“She’s surrounded by Hell’s Angels and ex-cons and she’s looks happy.”  This one is out of your league.  Do Not Approach unless you have a death wish.

To be fair, there are several things that come to mind regarding unapproachable men.

“He’s thrown down seven shots of Scotch in 30 minutes.  And he’s not drunk.”  If you have a card with local AA meetings on it, pass it to him and run.  If not, run.

“He is devilishly handsome and is berating another woman.” He would be Satan and he hates women.  Grab berated woman and run.

“He is standing alone, dressed like Clem Kaddiddlehopper, channeling early Jerry Lewis vibes.”  While he could be Bill Gates’ long lost cousin, it’s doubtful.  Repeat “I am not this desperate” until your sanity returns.

“His makeup looks way better than yours.”  Could be fun friendship but don’t start planning the wedding.

And that’s the truth.

Later.