Getting My Flirt On in All the Wrong Places

About a month ago, I decided it was high time I tossed out some chum. Get that flirt on and see what I catch. In my world, that would mean smile instead of growl. I can do that. When I first found myself back in the dating market, I had several conversations with my Guidance Counselor. Redating, after a long marriage, is strange. Even stranger was my GC’s suggestion. Each time I unloaded my man confusion on her, she said the same thing. “Make some lentil soup.” Huh? Instead of stirring the pot, I broke up with her, professionally speaking. I can do this all by myself.

As of today, I am still practicing. Haven’t met anyone I want to dance with. But Momma said, “Practice makes perfect”, and I am perfecting my skills – or lack thereof. Results so far:

“Hey, Mr. Thousand Year Old Grocery Bagger, those are some awesome paper sacks!”

“Hey Mr. Dog Store Checker, you are lucky to have hair at your age!”

“Hey Mr. Convenience Store Clerk, you are brave to have such a dangerous job!”

“Hey Mr. Target Employee, red is your color for sure!”

“Hey Mr. Delivery Truck Man, thank you for driving so fast I had to stop, drop, and roll to avoid your massive grill!”

“Hey Mr. Garbage Man, you have big muscles! No hable? Merde!”

“Hey Mr. Policeman, your handwriting on this speeding ticket is so precise!”

“Hey Mr. Homeless Man Who Drives A Porsche, hand over the cup. I just got a ticket!”

Ok, so maybe I need to work some different arenas. The point is, I’m working it. 🙂

Sooner or later.

Dating Application

Back in the stone age, my uncle Harold (of “Hark, Harold, The Angels Sing“), sent me this form. He believed it would be a good thing to hand out to boys who wanted to date my daughters.  While it was a MAJOR FAIL at our house, this application could be of some help to you.  Sharing:

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

*Note:  This application will be considered incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a financial statement, job history, lineage and a current medical report.

  1. Name: _____________    Date of Birth: _______________
  2. Height: ____________    Weight: __________  IQ:____
  3. SSN#:___________  Driver’s License: ____________
  4. Boy Scout Rank: ________________
  5. Home Address: ________________
  6. Do you have a van? _______  A monster truck? ______  A water bed? __  Number of piercings? ____  Tattoos?_______
  7. In 50 words or less, what does late mean to you?
  8. In 50 words or less, what does the phrase “Don’t Touch My Daughter” mean to you?  Please include an extra 50 words on your understanding of the word “abstinence“.
  9. When is the best time to interview your father, mother, and priest?
  10. Please answer the following questions.  Be candid.
  • If I were shot, the last place I would want to be wounded is in the _____.
  • If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my __________.
  • A woman’s place is in the ______________.
  • The only thing I hope this application doesn’t ask is _____________.
  • When I meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is __________. (If  the answer to this one begins with T or A, discontinue and leave the premises, keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion.)
  • What do you want to be if you grow up?

I swear that all the information above is true to the best of my knowledge under the penalty of death, dismemberment, Native-American ant torture, crucifixion, electrocution, red-hot pokers and Chinese water torture.

________________________________

 Signature (that means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest.  Please allow four to six years for processing.  You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.  Please do not call or write.  If your application is rejected, you will be contacted by a gentleman wearing a white tie and carrying a violin case.                                                                                                                                                 —————————————————————————————————

This is for those of you with daughters … and all the young hobgoblins who show up on your doorstep to woo them.  GOOD LUCK!

Later.