When I saw this book, I knew it was the perfect Mother’s Day gift for my mom. Our family is insane … just like yours.
William Buckholz is brilliant and funny. He provides song lyrics and gives translation. Laugh out loud funny. Here are a few of my faves:
“That Bird Flu, Shawty, That’s A Terrible Sickness” (from Gucci Mane song) Translation: “While avian influenza is indeed a serious disease, when individuals begin selling cocaine and realize sudden and substantial financial gains are being made, it’s difficult to stop what they are doing and pursue other work through traditional channels of employment.”
“My Bank Roll’s On A Swoll“(from Snoop Dogg song) Translation:“The pile of bills I have rolled up and placed in my pocket and to which I add newly acquired currency, that I later withdraw money from like someone might use a lending institution, has increased in size as a result of my repeated business dealings.”
“I’ve Got Hoes In Different Area Codes” (from Ludacris song) Translation: “I have females in various parts of the United States who are represented by three digits that begin the telephone numbers allocated for the regions in which they reside, providing me with many possibilities for companionship as I travel the world, should I care to contact them.”
Am I a bit …. off? Of course. But then, it could have been much worse. Mom could have received a crispy tan gift certificate.
If I were an angry person, I would already be in prison. As it is, I’ve already pulled out all my hair because of these STUPID questions I can’t answer.
I just moved all my insurance. I just paid for all my insurance. Now, I get a million pages of questions about said insurance which must be answered a year ago:
Number of amps in electrical system– The only amps I’ve heard of are on an electric guitar.
Fuses: Yes or No – Yes, I have a fuse and it is getting shorter by the second.
Knob & Tube or Aluminum Wiring – I am not wired to give out this information even if I knew what the hell you are talking about.
Plumbing system condition – The toilets flush.
Open or closed foundation – My home sits on something; have no idea about the emotional state of my foundation.
Copy of burglar alarm permit – This one is so easy; in my city, you have to apply, and then they DON’T send you a copy. So you go online and request a copy. Which is impossible to obtain unless you are an accomplished hacker.
Aircraft on premises? – Yes, I live in a townhouse and I have a DC-10 in my garage. Doesn’t everyone?
I immediately phoned and emailed my insurance agent for help. HELP! Was tickled pink to receive the following message:
“Hi! This is your insurance agent!
I will be out of the office until the 12th of Never.
If you need to speak to someone, call your mother. Have a great day!”
Am sure there are many women who know all these answers. I’m not in your club.
Must make choice now: move insurance AGAIN or self-immolation. Leaning toward latter.
There’s not a bucket big enough to hold all I want to do. But here are a few things I never want to do again:
Get stuck in small space with overserved man who has just inhaled a handful of chocolates: Don’t shake your head and wonder how this happened. It did. And the space was immediately filled with overwhelmingly heinous fumage. Would have fainted dead away, but space too small and I’m too polite (ha!). Had no choice but to stop, drop, and roll into a ditch. Still gagging.
Eat green peas and/or liver: More gagging. If I am on a desert island and all there is to eat are green peas and/or liver, I take this back. Note to self: no boat rides.
Register for “Do Not Call” lists: What a total waste of time. You crafty telemarketers and your “anonymous” and “private caller” handles! And for the managers of all “Do Not Call” lists, YOU’RE FIRED!
Reply to comment, “What country are you from because you don’t look like an American.”: Final answer: “I am a conehead. From France. Merde!
Work for people who are missing several teeth in the front of their mouths: If you have a “thriving” business, you can afford to go to the dentist and get some chompers. My experience with you tells me your business is anything but thriving because my paycheck bounced AND you don’t have a mirror. Basta!
My brain blew into a million little pieces because:
Bill from idiotic doctor: Just got a bill from Doogie Howser; he charged me $28 to walk through his office to the lab. Which he doesn’t own. The independent lab bill has been paid. Have always “walked” free. Times may be tough, dude, but you aren’t getting a penny from me. <sticking tongue out at dumb doc>
Liar, liar, magazine on fire: Waiting for another appointment, I thumbed through a recent fashion magazine. One feature focused on how make up can make you look so rested. Then I saw the before/after of the woman in the photos. I knew her. She had everything from the shoulders up “redone” by a plastic surgeon beforethe photo shoot. Of course, the magazine failed to mention that , instead crediting her bright mug to new lipstick and blush. What a bunch of crapola! If you choose to believe it, the make up will cost you $30,000.
Running into old boyfriends: In the past few months, I’ve run into an unreasonable number of one of my friend’s old boyfriends. Better hers than mine, but this is getting ridiculous. Note to friend: run into your own old boyfriends. Thank you.
“So all you are going to do is work the rest of your life?” and “We are worried about you, financially”: Two comments, different friends. Note to friends: Here’s my bank account number; feel free to make large deposits frequently. Then I will be able to sashay about the planet and you won’t worry. Win-win.
Lose weight by watching tv: If you want to lose your appetite, turn on Strange Addictions. I’m sorry these people do what they do. Even if you have a stomach of steel, five minutes into this show will, at the very least, produce some serious gagging and an aversion to snacking between meals. Wretched.
“Your wait will be 18 seconds.”: Groovy! Got this customer service message yesterday when calling about insurance. Change that message! Waited 20 minutes and then instructed to leave a voice message. Yeah, right. Customer service, my ass.
Phone rings. “Hello?”: “What are you doing?” Oh, accepting the Nobel Peace Prize, building a rocket in the kitchen, rotating my tires …. I am answering the damn phone. And I thought it was obvious. Meh!
Enough! Ranting is no way to start the day. Better go check my bank account for large deposits.
Large/Small. Fat/Thin. Ecstatic/Not so much. There are circumstances when size is mas importante, there are times when it matters not.
Size of bank account when paying bills.
Size of shoes – stuffing a size 8 into a size 7 and hobbling around = OUCH!
Size of the sky – city dwellers have a reduced view; if you look at the night sky anywhere in far West Texas, the stars begin at the ground and are so profuse, the sky part is minimal. This would be good for the soul. And beyond beautiful.
Size of airline seats – unless you are 11 years old, a long flight in steeragethe cheap seats can propel you right into a hip replacement. Practicing fetal position before boarding helps a bit. Plus, I think the airlines should put labels on the arm rests; even though they are as big as a clothes pin, which one belongs to which seat? Really! First-class and business travelers, feel our pain! Not really, you paid not to. Trade seats?
Size of parking spots – please don’t park a honking land yacht in a space marked “Compact Cars”. There is nothing compact about a Suburban or a Monster Truck. Except maybe the ashtray and I don’t think they make those anymore.
Size of heart, spiritually speaking – can it ever be big enough? Methinks not.
Size of smile – a big one goes a long way.
Size Doesn’t Matter (to me)
Size of your bank account – not my business. Keeping eyes on own paper.
Size of clothing – numbers make me crazy; if it fits, wear it; if not, give it away. Sizes seem to make a lot of people feel bad about themselves. Just stupid numbers, people!
Size of shelter – matters not a whit.Protection from the elements.What does matter is making that shelter a home. Favorite quote: “People who are homeless are not social inadequates. They are people without a home.” I think home can be wherever you are.
There must be a sign somewhere on my bod that says, “Say anything to me, especially if I don’t know you.” I am a magnet for unsolicited information. My ears are physically diminutive, but I guess they work really well. And my momma raised me to be polite, so ear plugs and/or stink eyes are not an option. The tales from this week:
The first words out of her mouth were, “I don’t like people.” The stranger was talking to me, so I just nodded my head and let her roll. An hour later – and yes, she talked to me for an hour – I just couldn’t give her a hall pass. She was happy, attractive, socially active, had a big girl job, and was married. She even showed me her serious tattoo-in-progress (not my request, but wth). Howdoes she think she got here? Via at least one person and turkey baster. And she’s married to a person. She works with and for a lot of people. And she said she was so glad to meet me. I’m a people. Sheesh!
“I called the lady a “bitch” so the church is kicking me out for not giving money.” This, from a very agitated, sweetly challenged woman pacing the grounds where I walk my dog. I tried to calm her down, telling her it wasn’t much of a church if she gets kicked out for not giving money but it might behoove her not to yell “bitch” there. Using the word “behoove” distracted her, she ran off to find a dictionary. She was calmer. And I have no idea who the church lady/bitch is.
“How was your weekend?”. Feeling snarky, I replied, “Well, got robbed, beaten, and fell in a hole.” The reply was, “That’s nice.” That happens a lot. Not the rob, beat, fall but the response. Don’t ask someone a question if you don’t want to hear the answer. Really.
“These squirrels really like the peanuts I give them”. This, from my neighbor who has dementia and leaves “styrofoam peanuts” around all the trees in the area. “Yep, they seem to love them but too many might kill them.” The landscapers are forever collecting squirrel carcasses after a styro binge. “Nope, the squirrels like to nap after eating my peanuts”. Nap my ass.