Home Sweat Home

   

  

No, I didn’t misspell “Sweet” in the headline.  Just returned from the BEST vacation (much more on this later); it is 100-degrees in the shade here.  I don’t care because I’m so blissed out, nothing is going to pop my happy balloon. Re-entry  usually makes me seriously grumpy. But not this time…..  

  • After my plane landed, I headed to the taxi stand. Once settled inside my ride, the teenage(?) driver took off at warp speed. So fast my hair blew back and my hair is very short;I believe the polite word for it is “gamine”. Teen  driver was multi-tasking; he had the accelerator pushed to the floor as he tried to punch my address into that talking direction box thing while squirting Eau de Reek throughout the vehicle.  His typing skills were nil so I was spelling v-e-r-y  s-l-o-w-l-y and LOUDLY.  I determined, from what I could understand, that he’d just come from Lebanon via Iraq because his uncle, the real taxi driver, had a bad back. While flying from side to side in the wildly careening cab, I began texting my family and friends about making my funeral arrangements as my demise was imminent. But God is good;we screeched to a halt in front of my home in about 20 minutes.  The airport is a good 45-minute drive when there is no traffic.  That’ll be $80, which I gladly paid in return for my life.
  • Surprise!  College Girl was at the house.  We had a brief happy reunion.  Then she said, “You have no food”.  Too happy to be snarky, I pointed her toward the grocery store and gave her a push.
  • Went to check voicemail.  Several “Are you ok?”messages.  How does anyone know about that taxi ride yet?  Well, they didn’t. Apparently lightning had its way with a number of homes around me – four across the courtyard, six behind me.  All completely toasted. Horrible but no one injured. I was damn lucky to be alive AND have a bed to fall into.
  • Cooper’s boarding school called bright and early the next morning with a plea for me to fetch him.  Lisa, the Principal, told me he was a “talker”, he doesn’t like dogs but he does like people.  Because he thinks he’s a person. So he spent a week bitching in his own special way about his accommodations.  Glad to see him go, they were.
  • Returned home to an email from Miss Peach.  She is tired and needs a check she left with me deposited into her account. SHE IS ON A GREEK ISLAND. And apparently out of moolala. Whatever. So I found her check, promptly lost it, and had to email her dad to stop payment, blah, blah, blah. After losing everything but my head while traveling with Cowgirl, she suggested I might have a spot of ADD.  Am beginning to think she’s right, and spot is just a drop in my ADD bucket.  Still blissful.
  • Finally got to spend quality time with my cooking partner.  As we were strolling the grocery store aisles, I asked him about the upcoming holiday. You know, plans and stuff.  He has them; he and his buddy are in a marathon fishing tournament. In a place where fish live.  Which would not be here. My bliss turned to piss briefly, then I regained my composure. I am still alive and have a bed to fall into and a dog who thinks he’s a person.  All good. Plus, there’s a nasty tropical storm brewing near the Gulf AND the fish are likely escapees from the oil spill which = inedible. Hope that storm stays away and fish migrate from California … but you never know.

So, to wrap this ramble up, the bliss remains … despite family medical scares (everyone is fine), fire and brimstone, Fourth of Stinking July fishing tournaments, and a dog who is applying for his SSN#.  I didn’t watch a second of television for a week (bliss!) …only to find out that a very bad boy tried to sell his “used” mother on eBay AND that rancid slice of bologna, Jake the Bachelor, split from his fake fiancée AND allegedly drew back his fist to punch her during an interview.  Enough!  

Cooper and I are going to sit in the refrigerator and cool off …. 

 Later.

Vienna’s Bad Ass Sausage: Jake

When I was little, my mom would feed me Vienna sausage sandwiches on white bread.  Bleck!  Last night, “The Bachelor” offered us a human version of this nasty combo.  Vienna plus Jake’s sausage.  Double Bleck!  And to make matters even more indigestible, now Jake is going to be on “Dancing With The Stars”.  So we can look forward to more of his cheesy, soul-searching monologues.  I hope there isn’t a bridge within 50 miles of the DWTS set; his brood and cry moments are so annoying.

Vienna.  Hmmmm.  She’s only 23 but she is dumb like a fox.  With one marriage under her tattoo, she knows what it takes to get –  and get rid –  of a man.  Jake was an obvious upgrade for her.  All the press coverage didn’t hurt, either.  The lust factor, which was the only common interest between the two, wears off.  Real life is not St. Lucia, mud massages, and cozy beds. She’s probably so over him, but she’ll stick around for “DWTS”.  Sitting in the audience,Vienna will get pissed off when Jake’s nose gets stuck between Pamela Anderson’s breasts.  She’ll dump him and keep the ring.  I mean, it could provide funds for more scraggly hair extensions, a number of interesting tats, and a lifetime pass to anything NASCAR.

Jake’s family was initially horrified when Vienna walked into their suite.  The looks were priceless. Like they’d all had a bite of a putrid Vienna sausage sandwich.  I wonder how much they were paid to change their tune?  Notice, Daddy never had a “moment” with Vienna.  Scary.  And Mama was right on; when a woman can’t get along with other women, that is a RED FLAG. Duh!  I think they just decided to be happy that Jake was getting some – finally – and leave it at that.  Pitiful.

And then there’s Jake.  Ugh.  Reminiscing with Mama about what a bad boy he is.  How he likes to push people in the pool?  Oh Jake, you are so bad ass.  For a first-grader in a 32-year-old sexually deprived body.  At this very moment, he’s probably practicing his dance steps with one of the svelte, limber “DTWS” beauties.  And brooding.  “What was I thinking?  Love and lust are two different feelings. That Pam Anderson and Shannen Doherty really have it going on.  My heart is crying.  Telling Vienna to “scram” is now the hardest decision I’ve already made.”   Vienna who?  Upgrade, please. Maybe “DTWS” has hired Tenley as a dance partner …. Jake’s!  Then Vienna can clean out his bank account and sign up for “The Millionaire Matchmaker”. Or Jake and Vienna can be used as shark bait on “Survivor”.  Geez, the possibilities for these people are endless……

****Dictionaryreference.com defines a Vienna sausage as ” a small frankfurter, often served as an hors d’oeuvre. I know that’s right.

The Bachelor: Cheese & Sleaze

 I am such a loser.  Apologizing every week for watching “The Bachelor”. Not gonna do it anymore.  There’s only one more show airing next week.  Of course, I’ll be watching.  You can’t make this stuff up.  The girlie recap last night takes the cake so far.

  • Jake lives in Texas.  Texans are humiliated by this.  We hope he moves to another state pronto.
  • Before boarding a plane, ask who the pilots are.  Do you want Jake to be in charge of your life for one second?  I don’t.
  • Didn’t think it was possible for him to top all the cheese ball lines he’s uttered on the show, but he did last night.  He told Gia, “…my heart was crying when I said goodbye to you“; really Jake?  Can you explain how a heart “cries” for the rest of us?  Surrender your pilot’s license and go to work at Kraft as head of the CHEESE division.  You are head cheese.  Look up that recipe. 
  • The show had its own “back patting” segment regarding charity donations.  Why wasn’t money given to a mental health group? Michelle was sitting right there on the stage.  Clearly psychotic, Michelle’s delusional rants beg for a straitjacket intervention.  Shame on you, Bachelor, for not taking care of your own. She is one dangerous chick.
  • The contestants are on the show to be “discovered”.  My oldest daughter (22) and her friends LOVE to watch the show and howl.  She and her roommate actually went online to sign up.  As a joke.  They had to fill out two pages of questions – probably along the lines of “How big are your boobs?” and “Do you mind having sex with a stranger who is having sex with 10 other women at the same time?”.  When completed, the show asks for 15 photos.  Who has 15 photos of themselves?  Wannabe actresses and models, that’s who.  What’s love got to do with “The Bachelor”?  Absolutely nothing.
  • Ali is a little smart.  That may be stretching it, but she chose her job over Jake.
  • Tenley is a giant goober and Vienna is a bottom feeder.  Jake is going to get what he deserves, no matter which girl he chooses.  Tenley will perform one too many Jake dances; Vienna will dump him like a hot rock.
  • Rozlynn has a Ph.D from the Bill Clinton School of Denial.

For a hilarious recap of the show, check out Eudi Pak at Fancast.com.  Funny. Funny.