Tight Screws, Cracked Codes, Man Cues, & Stupid News

Good grief! Current events and what passes for “news” are making my brain limp. Er, flatline.

 

 Just Precious

Forgive me for starting out on the hygiene aisle, but this situation is out of hand. A few weeks ago, I got a brightly colored box in the mail. I LOVE surprises. Or did until this one. It was from Kotex; a little gift box of green, yellow, pink, and blue feminine hygiene products. I don’t know about you, but my privacy is color-blind and this was the most stupid advertising I’d ever seen. Until yesterday. I was watching television and a commercial came on. “Mother Nature” and a perky young woman were having a Tampax tiff. Perky woman shut MN down when she proclaimed her “feminine hygiene” product was “cute”. These companies paid the big bucks for advertising. Note to both enterprises: Your Stupid is showing.

 

Teen Text Codes “cracked” on GMA

In an effort to inform and enlighten parents everywhere, “Good Morning America” did a segment explaining just what some cell texts hieroglyphics really mean. I’m sure I’m the worst parent ever, but I’ve never pried the cell phone from either daughter in order to read their texts. That would require surgery as the phones are permanently implanted atop their right hands and I have no interest in that sort of endeavor. Nevertheless, here’s what I learned:

  • cu46 = see you for sex (really?)
  • gnoc = get naked on camera (I think not)
  • 53x = sex (raging hormones, always a problem)
  • wtgfa% = want to go for a drink? (and the drinking age is?)
  • doc = drug of choice (the more things change … blah, blah

 

Wedlock/Deadlock

Writer Bernadette Anat did some asking around on behalf of Glamour and MSN.com regarding “What 12 Things Smart Women Know About Men“; I found two I thought were spot on and not absolute “duhs”. Those are”Be picky” and “Be friends”. On second thought, duh.

Staying on topic, I located a factoid at yahoo.com/answers; it seems the U.S. average age for couples to marry is 25 for women, 27 for men. I was 27 when I married the first time; the jury is still out whether I’ll attempt that again. Marriage, not 27. Then I read about this woman in Taipei. She’s hired a wedding planner and her big bash is set and ready to happen soon. She is marrying herself! The highlight of this rather sad tale was the brilliant anonymous comment that followed …“I give it three months”.

Morons with Money 

A human(?) recently paid $302,500 for a Barbie doll at a New York auction. You must be so proud of yourself. Really, throwing down serious change for a doll when people are starving in … America! Jackwagon. 

 

 

 Political correctness is slowly but surely imprisoning the American population. Those two words sound innocent and proper to me. They are anything but. Freedom doesn’t exist in a place where you must carefully edit your speech and actions, where you can be punished for your opinions. I get that extreme cases require extreme measures. When these measures also apply to Average Joe and Jane, you and me, resulting in loss (job, money, brain cells), then we have a BIG OLD PROBLEM. I’d find a way to fix this if I were smarter, but if you have a good idea, count me in.

Enough!

Later.

 

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Pecker Power: It’s Hip to be Square

Get silly with me here. I learned about a recession-friendly game on my recent road trip and would be a selfish twit if I didn’t share. Chicken Shit Bingo will set you back two bucks.  Wholesome family fun … 

Chicken Shit Bingo 

  • Take the cushions off the sofa and dig for change.  Once you have found $2 in coin, you are good to go.
  • Get in the car and drive to Austin after church on Sunday.
  • Park at Ginny’s Little Longhorn Saloon, 5434 Burnet Road.
  • You have officially arrived in Funkytown. Bubbas, bikers and everything in between are welcome. A live band plays each hour. If you must bust a move, consult this book:

Groovin' on a Sunday afternoon

  • You may notice a big screened pen sitting on a pool table. Wow, the pen has a floor full of numbered squares.  Pay $2 for a square.  Ginny will bring out her chicken after the squares are covered with feed.

Ginny's chicken has a powerful pecker

  • Chicken is put in pen where it begins to peck. That would be a chicken thang.
  • People scream at chicken; word of choice would be “SHIT” .  Afterall, there is money involved here.
  • Chicken eventually evacuates on a square. BINGO!  Winner, Winner, No Chicken Dinner but if your square has been sullied, you win $200. Do not be upset if you don’t win at first; the chicken reappears each time the band takes a break.

BINGO! Winner, Winner, Chicken .... shit

A little CSB on a Sunday afternoon, nowhere but Texas. Just sayin’… 

Later. 

*photos courtesy of Double A*

Give Yourself CPR & Find Money!

No, if you give yourself CPR, you will not find money. 

But you may stay alive long enough to find money. 

Found both topics on the internet this week – one email (Self CPR) and one on MSN.com.   Both are for real.

First, the CPR.  The situation presented was one in which you are having the symptoms of a heart attack and you are in the car alone.  The instructions did not say “Pull over to side of road” which is so duh but in the interest of saving your own life, if you experience symptoms while alone in your car, pull over to side of road. If you are in the house, pull over to side of wall. Just PULL OVER. Then you are supposed to inhale as deeply as possibly, then cough/exhale as hard as possible.  Repeat as you attempt to dial 911 because you are alone. Inhaling puts oxygen in and the coughing out stimulates the heart muscle to get back in line. Repeat until emergency services arrive. I thought this made sense.

Now that you have saved yourself, it’s time to find some money to pay for the medical bills.  Apparently every state treasury is brimming with unclaimed cash. Visit your state’s comptroller’s Unclaimed Property website.  I did it on a lark and found I had $160 check from the LA Times Syndicate from 2003.  Filled out the claim form, it is being processed, and I’ll get my cash … someday.  It’s worth a try.

That’s all, folks!