Baby Mamas and Shawty’s Grandma

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When I saw this book, I knew it was the perfect Mother’s Day gift for my mom. Our family is insane … just like yours.

William Buckholz is brilliant and funny. He provides song lyrics and gives translation. Laugh out loud funny. Here are a few of my faves:

“That Bird Flu, Shawty, That’s A Terrible Sickness” (from Gucci Mane song)       Translation: “While avian influenza is indeed a serious disease, when individuals begin selling cocaine and realize sudden and substantial financial gains are being made, it’s difficult to stop what they are doing and pursue other work through traditional channels of employment.”

“My Bank Roll’s On A Swoll“(from Snoop Dogg song)  Translation:“The  pile of bills I have rolled up and placed in my pocket and to which I add newly acquired currency, that I later withdraw money from like someone might use a lending institution, has increased in size as a result of my repeated business dealings.”

“I’ve Got Hoes In Different Area Codes” (from Ludacris song)  Translation: “I have females in various parts of the United States who are represented by three digits that begin the telephone numbers allocated for the regions in which they reside, providing me with many possibilities for companionship as I travel the world, should I care to contact them.”                                                        

Am I a bit …. off? Of course. But then, it could have been much worse. Mom could have received a crispy tan gift certificate.

Later.

P.S. Buckholz has a website, www.understandingrap.com, in case you were wondering.

Postscript

Yo, Mama Nudie is a playa!

Nuts, We Are All Nuts

The other day my friend told me that everyone … and I mean everyone … is nuts. If that isn’t a given, I don’t know what is. The most important point here is – be very careful and picky about who you choose as your bowl mates. There are many varieties of nuts. Discernment is a very important tool. So is a garbage can. While on the topic of nuts …..

  • Why, in the name of God, would you write/record a breakup song about a POS who dumped you and call it, “Someone Like You“? I love Adele, I think the melody of the song is the best; what I don’t get it is … if your Significant Other treated you horribly, why would you want someone like that? Haters … don’t need an explanation, this is just an observation. Why not a song that says, “Someone Who Is Nothing Like You In Any Way At All Because You Are The Worst Person Ever“?
  • Don’t ever change!” If you went to high school and had a yearbook, I’ll bet you that’s written somewhere inside. It was just a phrase. Unfortunately, there are people who chose to believe this and haven’t. Changed. Deliver me.
  • My mother is studying the last book of the Bible, Revelations, written by the Apostle John. Last week, she told her Bible Study group that she believed John was taking LSD when he wrote it because Revelations is incomprehensible. She may be onto something but I don’t think they had LSD back then … maybe some mushrooms ….. maybe she’s on LSD.

Must go plan intervention. Or not.

Later.

Creative Explosion: A Movie, A Book, and Two Singers

Color Explosion

You just never know when or how that creative urge will arrive. I mention this only to explain my lack of posts lately. Right in the middle of a Mahjong game last week, I had a vision. Which explains why I couldn’t win to save my soul. Have been lost in color, ideas, creating. When that happens, I have no concept of space and time. I think it’s Tuesday and I’ve come up for air. For a moment. To share some GREAT creations of others.

Movie

If you haven’t seen it, please check out “Heartbreaker. This romantic French comedy made me laugh out loud a number of times and smile throughout. The film was made in 2010 and is set in Monaco. Directed by Pascal Chaumeil, it stars Vanessa Paradis, Romain Duris, and Julie Ferrier and they are brilliant! Even if you are Grumpy Grumbleson, you will be in a great mood after watching this. Just sayin’.

Book

My youngest daughter recommended a book to me. Donald Miller had me at his author’s note: “Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It’s as if they are showing you the way”. The title, “Blue Like Jazz” is a beauty, but it’s the subtitle that indicates you are in for a thought-provoking ride … “Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality”. His writing is anything but traditional; I find myself wondering how he got in my head while reading this. I think he and author Anne Lamott would get on famously. Two of my favorite passages so far are:

“My mother had given me her Texaco card for my date, so on the way home I stopped in for some Cheetos and donuts. I sat in the Texaco parking lot and thought about poor Romeo, begging for love, running off with his woman, and then accidentally dying. Some dates go terrible, it’s a fact.”

“At the time I was attending this large church in the suburbs. It was like going to church at The Gap.”

And this from his blog, ” My flight out of Nashville was cancelled and I found myself, suitcase in hand, standing outside the Nashville airport dismayed because all I wanted to do was go home. But there was a part of me that wondered if something good could happen, if I couldn’t “create a reason” for being stuck in Nashville. I made some calls and the night turned out to be great, one of the best I had that season.”

More, please.

Singers

Christopher Jak does it for me. Favorites: “Hold On Tight”, “Squeeze”, and “Begin to Cry”. Awesome.

I like David Gray. This singer/songwriter is most excellent at what he does. His latest album is Foundling, which should be available on iTunes. Previous to this release, my favorite DG songs are “You’re the One I Love” and “Babylon”.

That’s enough for now …my muse is calling me ….

Later.

Underwear Fail, Tribal Insanity, and Some Other Stuff

Today I am blaming EVERYTHING on Sean Kingston. For the life of me, I can’t get that 911 song out of my head. Nor can I get the lyrics right. I thought he was singing, “Someone call 911, Shortie’s on fire on the dance floor”. Looked lyrics up and they are, “Somebody call 911, Shawty fire burning on the dance floor”. What the hell is a “Shawty“? So I had to google that as well; a shawty is a “fine woman”. Hating on that whole situation. But let me share some more.

Underwear Fail  Seated around a restaurant dinner table with mixed company, this was the convo:

Bare Bottom: “I have to go put on some underpants. I forgot I didn’t have any on.”

Me: “YOU DON’T HAVE UNDERWEAR ON? DON’T CALL THEM “UNDERPANTS”; THOSE ARE FOR MEN. WHERE IS YOUR UNDERWEAR?”

Bare Bottom: Left’em in the car hours ago. Just bought some around the corner. Where’s the restroom?”

Just like that – stomping around a windy city for hours, in a dress and no panties – and it takes 5 hours to figure it out?  That, my friends, is typical dinner conversation around these parts. Would say we are a pack of toothless, inbred  hillbillies if not for my mother’s recent convos.

Mama Says – After reminding me what my middle name was (not that I asked), she said “Five of our family members signed the Magna Carta“. Ok, so we might be toothless and inbred. When I went to visit my Dad today, she said, in this order, “Get a job. Your hair needs a trim. I’m exhausted.” Well, hello to you, too, Mrs. Happy Pants. I make myself scarce and go find my Dad.

Daddy Says – Let me give you a little “dad” info. Mine speaks in quotes, a lot. “She looks like 40 miles of bad road”, “That dog won’t hunt”, and “I am NOT a rich man” frequently pepper many a chat. When I saw him today, he was stoned out of his gourd, but he did ask me the same question he asks me every day. I’ve told him the long-winded answer. Every day. Except today. “What is the graduate doing?”. My answer – one word. “Plastics.” Which made perfect sense to him after a Vicodin cocktail. Thinking about all his ‘isms made me think of some other ‘isms my friends use.

Friends Say – The ones that come to mind include Jeez o’peep, Lawd A’Mercy, Reeeeeeally?, and one I’ve yet to figure out, “F*^k me running”. Could that be the same as “Cool Running”? Don’t know, can’t get a bead on that visual. Then I remembered what we would say in middle school when mad at one another. Start low, end high. “Get so mad, would ‘ya? Yes, I will, thank ‘ya”. Somehow, this stroll down short memory lane reminded me of what I just read.

WHAT I JUST READ

  • WHY DOES A PSYCHIC HAVE TO ASK YOUR NAME?”
  • “HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN YOU ARE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?”
  • “WHY IS THE NEEDLE STERILIZED FOR A LETHAL INJECTION?”
  • “SILLY CYCLIST … STEROIDS ARE FOR BALLPLAYERS!”

Wow.I am scaring myself. Would go find an adult refreshment but, whoops, ex-housekeeper drained liquor cabinet. Instead, I’ll just go all optimistic here!  Winner, Winner! It’s a Charlie Sheen day! Now where is that Dragon Blood?

Later. Maybe. Probably.

Just Thinking Kooky Thinks

Hello, hello, hello! Are Mondays ever not maniac? If so, don’t tell me.

My dad had a successful surgery today. Rah! Sitting in the waiting room with my mom gave me much time for thought. Scary, right? I’m thinking …..

  1. Why is Arnold Schwarzenegger such an enormous idiot? I always wondered why Maria Shriver would even speak to him, much less marry him and have some of his children. I bet Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen are doing the happy dance. And I hope Maria makes out like a bandit in her divorce settlement.
  2. Why do hospitals with enormous cardiac units serve fried everything in their cafeterias? Obviously, to keep the patients coming BUT the medical people were eating that stuff as well. At least they were today. I had no  choice but to select sushi. Used to love it until I read a book where the guy called it “expensive bait”.
  3. One woman in the waiting room called the entire phone book from her small town to report on her mother. Her voice carried. Half the people in the town obviously didn’t know her mother but promised to meet her sometime; the others didn’t know mother had surgery but were mighty glad all went well. TMI.
  4. Took my closet to Pung, my favorite person who happens to own a dry cleaners. Her three-year-old daughter took 12 photos of my right ear with her mother’s cell phone. I have elf ears – no points, but small. Like my nose.  Which reminded me that I LOVE big noses. Not the crooked witch bumpy kind, just a big old schnozz. They are sexy on men. And probably women, too, but I don’t swim in that pool.
  5. When waiting room blabbermouth was quiet, my mother said, “Your middle name is Randal, you know.” Wherever that came from, I don’t know. I just said, “I seem to recall that.” For the last 100 years…..

Stupid Songs I Remembered I Hate While Waiting in the Waiting Room

  • “Baby I’m A-Want You” (I’m thinking that isn’t English)
  • “Never Gonna Give You Up” (stalker song)
  • “Balls to the Wall” ( sounds uncomfortable)
  • “You and Me and a Dog Named Boo” (poor Boo)
  • “Dancing on the Ceiling” (bad trip)
  • “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” (do tell)
  • “Pardon Me, I’ve Got to Kill Someone”(pardon me while I run like a scalded dog in the opposite direction)
  • “Tell Laura I Love Her” (tell her yourself; who’s Laura?)
  • “Let Me Tickle Your Fancy” (methinks NOT)

Now I must prepare for a bank presentation I have tomorrow. I’m going to present them with an ultimatum. Show Me the Money or Show Me the Money. The bank is bus stop for the lost and the insane – that’s the staff. Which changes every week, I swear. Have been in there no less than five times to clear up all sorts of mistakes; they NEVER fix them. Because the staff changes each week. After demanding to see the manager of the day, I may quote John Imhoff, who said, “Any organization is like a septic tank; the really big chunks rise to the top.” I will get satisfaction this time, even if I shown my money – and the door. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

I need chocolate.

Later.

Snarky Thursday: A Book, A List, & Questionable Songs

 

It’s a beautiful day in Snarkville. As I sit here at my desk, looking out the window, my eyes fix on two birds. One is big and fat, the other needs more meat on her bones. I know she is a she because BIG FATTY is trying to have his way with her. I must say, he is not subtle. He has repeatedly jumped on her back and bounced around. GET A ROOM NEST WHY DON’T ‘CHA!

Just finished “Bossypants” by Tina Fey. She’s funny. She thinks funny, she writes funny. I wonder if she has an extra pair of bossypants? Mine mistakenly went into last year’s Goodwill pile. Speaking of pants, I was horrified when recently wandered into the lingerie department of Nameless Store. All of the undies were psycho neon but that wasn’t the problem. Every pair were size 70XXXL granny panties. Must have wandered into alternate underwear universe; happens all the time.

Have been inventing jobs possibilities; the latest are:

  • Passive/Aggressive Mean Letter/Email Writer
  • Bird Hotelier (see above)
  • Telemarketer Whistle Sales – ok, this is GOOD. I could sell a line of whistles that attach to the phone. When telemarketers call, you answer the phone and immediately blow that sucker with gusto. Presto! Your number is off their list. I know of what I speak and this is a necessary item now that the sneaky telemarketers have started using cell numbers. Also effective for all sorts of people in your life. Think about it.

I’m not a fan of questionable song titles. But they do demand an answer, non? I blame this rant on Miss Britney Spears‘ cover of a Bellamy Brothers’ song. The rest of those listed are real as well. Meh!

  • “If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me? No, but I will punch you in the nose.
  • “Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?” Because you are stupid and have a urinary tract infection which is nothing to sing about.
  • “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?” Not. My. Problem. Stop. Whining.
  • “Why Can’t We Be Friends?” Because you suck. 🙂
  • “Can You Feel The Love Tonight?” Zip up your pants and beat it, Buster!
  • “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” Nope, but I think your pants are way too tight.
  • “Where Did I Go Wrong?” You were born.
  • “Tommy, Can You Hear Me?” No. Duh. Deaf mute.
  • “How Can Anybody Possibly Know How I Feel?” They don’t. Shut up.
  • “Am I Going Insane?” Yes. Yes you are.
  • “Why Bother?” My point exactly.
  • “What If No One’s Watching?” Trust me, they aren’t.

Gotta dash – it’s time to watch paint peel. I will leave you with today’s snark; tuck it away as you might need it.

“I’m going to memorize your name and throw my head away.”

(anonymous)

Sooner or later.

 

Monkey Mind Monday

Man, am I glad it’s Monday. I think. Another rollercoaster week over. Have not written a word or pulled out even one of my 350 inspiration candles in seven days.  WARNING: this post will meander, so join me only if you are up for … whatever. If you have suggestions to any questions I pose, bring them on!

Beauty from Lady Di's MV garden

I thought it would be a good idea to start with a pretty picture. So there.

  • The very best dress I have seen to date was worn by Claire Danes last night at the Golden Globes. Perfection by Calvin Klein
  • Lady Di entertained Cowgirl and me in Dallas for 48 hours. As always, it was the best kind of fun – incessant laughter (all of us) and waterworks (provided by moi). My two blessings – in human form. Also enjoyed a cameo appearance by Lord Di aka Dr. Twistoff. Woo Hoo! He was dashing off for a South Texas adventure … with Nick Mason. Just another brick in the wall…. if you are scratching your head re: NM, google Pink Floyd. Which reminds me of surprising info I heard recently…
  • A new friend was recounting a recent phone call he’d had with his friend in Nashville. Apparently the Nashville guy and his wife were hosting her tennis group’s holiday party. And in walks Stevie Winwood. Just another team member’s mate. Awesome. The confused may google the man, Blind Faith, and Traffic. Roll with it …..
  • It could just be the people I know, but 95-percent of everyone is up to their eyeballs in major issues … did the moon fall off or what? Can’t stand for anyone to have problems but it is part of life. But this is BEYOND. Between aging/and or ill parents, errant children, empty pockets, too many pockets, emergency appendectomy ( is that ever planned?) – well, we’re all just shoveling shit as fast as we can. And it stinks. I want some life perfume and I promise to share. That being said, I KNOW my very worst day is another’s very best so …
  • Am quite comfortable in my cozy home. Just me and the dog. What I find I miss – at times – is companionship. Conversation. Bouncing ideas, thoughts, concerns back and forth. Doing stuff.  But my companion compass is wacked – I can’t pick’em for the life of me (i.e. last year’s model was the essence of a bad country-western song … lying, cheating, blah, blah, blah). Didn’t invest much so it wasn’t a loss but a win for me. Still….
  • When someone in my position tries to explain this inexplicable feeling which translates as “Damn it to hell, I am SO tired of responsibility and other stuff”, friends do their best to comfort me, providing suggestions and encouraging words. And they are well-meaning suggestions. Actually, there’s a funny aside to this. There are brave people and weenies. I would be a weenie. Brave people seek companionship all sorts of ways – joining groups, online connections, etc. Cowgirl defined my Achilles heel last week. Anytime words like “e-harmony” and “match.com” are mentioned, I burst into tears. Will. Not. Go. There. The. End. Am so delighted for all the people who do. Just not that woman. And I don’t want any lectures; if that’s your deal, fab. End of story.
  • A bird just shat on my left breasticle. Does that mean anything other than I have to go change shirts now?

Putting you out of your misery, I’m off to repair my wardrobe malfunction. Really hope you are having a much better life than described above. Really.

Later.

**Forgot to tell you the seven candle words I pulled: curiosity, excellence, success, balance, creativity, longevity, and harmony.