Baby Mamas and Shawty’s Grandma

20120513-095832.jpg

When I saw this book, I knew it was the perfect Mother’s Day gift for my mom. Our family is insane … just like yours.

William Buckholz is brilliant and funny. He provides song lyrics and gives translation. Laugh out loud funny. Here are a few of my faves:

“That Bird Flu, Shawty, That’s A Terrible Sickness” (from Gucci Mane song)       Translation: “While avian influenza is indeed a serious disease, when individuals begin selling cocaine and realize sudden and substantial financial gains are being made, it’s difficult to stop what they are doing and pursue other work through traditional channels of employment.”

“My Bank Roll’s On A Swoll“(from Snoop Dogg song)  Translation:“The  pile of bills I have rolled up and placed in my pocket and to which I add newly acquired currency, that I later withdraw money from like someone might use a lending institution, has increased in size as a result of my repeated business dealings.”

“I’ve Got Hoes In Different Area Codes” (from Ludacris song)  Translation: “I have females in various parts of the United States who are represented by three digits that begin the telephone numbers allocated for the regions in which they reside, providing me with many possibilities for companionship as I travel the world, should I care to contact them.”                                                        

Am I a bit …. off? Of course. But then, it could have been much worse. Mom could have received a crispy tan gift certificate.

Later.

P.S. Buckholz has a website, www.understandingrap.com, in case you were wondering.

Postscript

Yo, Mama Nudie is a playa!

Crazy Soup: Stir Often

There must be a sign somewhere on my bod that says, “Say anything to me, especially if I don’t know you.” I am a magnet for unsolicited information. My ears are physically diminutive,  but I guess they work really well. And my momma raised me to be polite, so ear plugs and/or stink eyes are not an option. The tales from this week:

—————————————————————————————————————-

  • The first words out of her mouth were, “I don’t like people.” The stranger was talking to me, so I just nodded my head and let her roll.  An hour later – and yes, she talked to me for an hour – I just couldn’t give her a hall pass. She was happy, attractive, socially active, had a big girl job, and was married. She even showed me her serious tattoo-in-progress (not my request, but wth). How does she think she got here? Via at least one person and turkey baster. And she’s married to a person. She works with and for a lot of people. And she said she was so glad to meet me. I’m a people. Sheesh!
  • “I called the lady a “bitch” so the church is kicking me out for not giving money.” This, from a very agitated, sweetly challenged woman pacing the grounds where I walk my dog. I tried to calm her down, telling her it wasn’t much of a church if she gets kicked out for not giving money but it might behoove her not to yell “bitch” thereUsing the word “behoove” distracted her, she ran off to find a dictionary. She was calmer. And I have no idea who the church lady/bitch is.
  • “How was your weekend?”. Feeling snarky, I replied, “Well, got robbed, beaten,  and fell in a hole.” The reply was, “That’s nice.” That happens a lot. Not the rob, beat, fall but the response. Don’t ask someone a question if you don’t want to hear the answer. Really.
  • “These squirrels really like the peanuts I give them”.  This, from my neighbor who has dementia and leaves “styrofoam peanuts” around all the trees in the area. “Yep, they seem to love them but too many might kill them.” The landscapers are forever collecting squirrel carcasses after a styro binge. “Nope, the squirrels like to nap after eating my peanuts”. Nap my ass.

Good grief!

Later.

Weirdos and Words: Get Your Freak On

I love words. Which means I am a logophile. Have used this as my defense every time I get a message from WWF player calling bs on my submission. Bam! I love words. Sue me.

It could be much worse. Sharing ….

alektorophilia – obsession with roosters or chickens

gynotikolobomassophile – nibbler of women’s earlobes

harpaxophilia – affinity for getting robbed

apodysophilia – “feverish desire to undress”

An apodysophiliac might want to meet a clinophiliac because the clino has a passion for beds. Ok, no more matchmaking.

labeorphily – student and collector of beer bottle labels

pogonophile – beard lover

spermophile – “member of family of seed-loving rodents”; this one is weird. I know a lot of rodents, but they are human and drive cars. Must ask if they eat seeds.

If you are a logophile, there’s a great new iPhone app, Wordy, The Logophile’s Primer. The word for today is ““grindhouse“. I thought it was maybe a mill for grits but no …. a grindhouse is a “low-budget film theater that shows primarily exploitation films”. Nevermind.

Now I’m bored. The word for that is “flighty“.

Later.

*Don’t take your kids to a grindhouse to see Mary Poppins. Not gonna happen.

So Proud, So Very Proud

Not. So. Much. The recent search terms used to find this spot are … strange. See for yourself:

piised off quotes (Spell check, anyone?)

what dose it mean if a bird poos on your head (It means you can’t spell)

pms or entitlement (Neither, thank you)

one flew over the cuckoo’s nest Martini disorder (Good excuse to stay home from work)

roll tide in the Bible (Not to my knowledge, but ask Nick Saban)

it juzz like exploded or sumfin (Drugs kill brain cells or sumfin)

yodel hostess (Where and salary info, please)

adult needlepoint (As opposed to ….?)

pantyhose in the mouth (Food Channel recipe?)

caning over girdle (Not a preference)

jack in the box meditation (Hamburger, hamburger, hamburger….)

hores writing (Get a dictionary, please)

shut up. i’m mad (Shut up, yourself)

what are scary hairies (Ask your mother)

There were others – pickle sniffers, watermelon treefox poop. My favorite, which sums up this entire “search list” …. banshee crazy.

Later. Maybe.

Plastic Surgeon FREAKED Me Out

I went to see the best plastic surgeon in town … on a lark. If you had access to my bank statements, you’d know it was a lark. I’m a cat, curious and skittish. But more curious. And I wanted to see what this man would say to me. He’s known for “Sleeping Beauties”, performing facial surgery on women who, when recovered, look like they’ve had the best rest ever. And they don’t have those crazy Jack Nicholson eyebrows – the first tipoff that somebody’s been under the knife.

Made a consultation appointment and appeared at the correct time. After very little paperwork, I was ushered into surgeon’s office. He was nice. But he’s in his seventies and had no grey hair and very few wrinkles. Oh yeah, he’s a plastic surgeon. And here’s how it went:

Doc: “What are you here for?”

Me: “Well, you have an excellent reputation and I’ve admired your work. Am not loving the fine lines around my mouth and wanted to know what you would do?” (Why does he keep putting his left hand under his desk?)

Doc: “Well, you have a long neck so I would do a neck somethingorother and then a midline facelift. You don’t need body work.” (How would you know? I’m fully clothed sitting across the desk from you.)

Me: “My neck? Facelift? Draw me a picture.” (And stop putting your hand under the desk)

He proceeded to draw the scariest picture of the side of a head with stitches and scars everywhere. Enough!

Me: “That looks terrifying, not to mention the recovery would be heinous.”

Doc: “I’ll throw in the upper eyelids for $1000.”

Me: “Upper eyelids … I don’t even wear mascara. What? Forget the eyes, how much for the stuff you suggested?”

Doc: “blablablablablabla”.

Me: “So you’re talking $20,000 walking? Are you f-ing kidding me? No offense, and I realize it’s your job, but ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”

Doc: “No, and you’ll probably need tweaking in about eight years. Show me your stomach.”

Like a moron, I pulled up my shirt and showed him my stomach. What in the living hell did a midline facelift+ have to do with my stomach? I must be on Candid Camera.

Me: “Thank you for your time. You’ve confirmed my intention to age gracefully = no knives near me unless eating. But good luck – for every one of me, there’s ten you”ll “fix”. Yeah, you!”

And for the record, Dr. Demento, keep your hands where I can see’em AND hahaha, my stomach is none of your business, surgically speaking.

Oh, and if I decide to take him up on his offer in the next year, my consultation fee will be deducted from the 20K. I have happily eaten $75 with my own knife and fork.

Later.

*Unlike Nora Ephron, I feel great about my neck!

My Issues Have Issues. Really.

I used that line to decline a date request. And I wasn’t lying. My issues for today are … business names, a neighborhood, and knackwurst.

The first issue was prompted by a parking space at a shopping center. Yep, I parked right in front of the Dress Barn. Could this national clothing chain for women have picked a more unbecoming moniker? Methinks NOT. I was prompted to find more professional insanity because I wanted to and I do not use my time wisely.  Here are the names of real business I found; feel free to add your own.

CLOTHING

Girdle Garage

House of Hose

GROOMING

Indiana Bone and the Temple of Groom

American Hairline

Nervous McStabby’s Hair Care Place

Lunatic Fringe

Slingin’ Ink Tattoo

BOOKS

Crapbooks

The Bookie Joint

FLORAL

Florist Gump

The Stalk Market

FOOD

Crazy Cow Steakhouse

OK Chinese Food

Bologna Boutique

Nasty Buffet

LAST BUT NOT LEAST

Master Baiter’s Sportfishing and Tackle

Bada Bing Bail Bonds

Enough. Moving on to a new neighborhood. My eldest, Miss Peach, recently moved into a swishy townhouse with her friends. She invited me to see it right after she moved in. Her place is beautiful, nicer than mine. As she walked me out and down the road to find my car, I surveyed her “hood”. Which prompted one question. “DID YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING NEXT DOOR TO A METH LAB?” She said, “Oh!”. End of convo. We are very casual about potential life-threatening situations. Moving on.

Knackwurst. At a recent cocktail situation, I ran into a friend. He’s a great guy and has been promoted to CFFOBPRQ of an enormous company. I forget what we were talking about, but for whatever reason, he called me a “Knackwurst Head“. Knowing only that knackwurst was not complimentary, I did what any self-respecting woman would do and emptied the contents of my hors d’oeuvre plate into his cocktail. I mean, really! A knackwurst, for those of you who don’t know, is a short, plump, highly seasoned German sausage. I am NOT a Knackwurst Head, you MOLDY PIECE OF HOG’S HEAD CHEESE!

Feeling better already! Gotta run, late for appointment at Sweaty Betty’s Beat & Tease.

Be happy or go to your room. Your choice.

Later.

My Evening as a Hooker

It all started so innocently.

Around 6:30 last night, we joined the crew of Captain Wack and his wench, Walden.

Before venturing any further, you must know that Walden is thematic. She is into whatever the upcoming holiday is and goes all out with decorations and whatnot. But her favorite holiday – which she celebrates year-round – is “Talk Like A Pirate Day“. She LOVES pirate stuff. While shopping in Hobby Lobby one day, I’d found a pirate part for her. And I gave it to her last night as we headed to a wedding.

Ha ha ha, the “hook” was a hit. Then tossed in the back seat.  Off we all went to a beautiful ceremony and an insanely fun reception. Well, “yo-ho-ho and a bottle of gin” later, we’d been well fueled with food and drink and danced ourselves into a sweat. (Thank God, the band was awesome; I was having rolling hot flashes so I had to dance my ass off to explain why I was soaking wet). Walden announces her ship is sailing, so we say “ta-ta” to no one in particular and pile into her transport. Arrrrrrrr! We were minus one … the Captain. After much unintelligible convo, Walden nominated moi to fetch the yakking Wack. While wearing the pirate hook. Made perfect sense to me at the time, so I ran back into the swanky black-tie reception in my fancy high heels and matching hook. Which I hid behind my back. The first time I spotted Wack.

He was chatting up friend #1; this man already knows I’m insane. I slipped the hook inside Wack‘s tie and said, “Ahoy, Matey – Away!,” and took off for the car with my victim. Or so I thought. Damn, he’d found someone else to talk to. So it was back into the reception on my second search and rescue mission.

He was chatting up unknown-but-pretty person. I had to get tough. I shook my hook in his face and said, “Ye scurvy bilge rat, away before ye buckle be slashed!” As I ran back out to the car, he was right behind me. NOT.

Round three was a success! After explaining to a horrified girl my right hook was not real, I found him again. With a “Heave ho, Dude” and a well-placed equipment maneuver, Wack remained in my clutches until we reached our destination.

Clearly, hooking is not my forte. Should you want to give it a try – hit Hobby Lobby and throw down $1.99.

Enough for now. I’m off to find a greasy cheeseburger for my stomach and an ice pack for my head.

Be happy … or walk the plank. Your choice.

Later.

*Everyone here is wearing ice packs on their heads. Because it is 250-degrees outside. The gin has absolutely nothing to do with it.

*Also need to make it perfectly clear this is a pirate’s tale and in no way has anything to do with anyone who has challenges.

*Talk Like A Pirate Day is September 19. Just sayin’…….

Creative Explosion: A Movie, A Book, and Two Singers

Color Explosion

You just never know when or how that creative urge will arrive. I mention this only to explain my lack of posts lately. Right in the middle of a Mahjong game last week, I had a vision. Which explains why I couldn’t win to save my soul. Have been lost in color, ideas, creating. When that happens, I have no concept of space and time. I think it’s Tuesday and I’ve come up for air. For a moment. To share some GREAT creations of others.

Movie

If you haven’t seen it, please check out “Heartbreaker. This romantic French comedy made me laugh out loud a number of times and smile throughout. The film was made in 2010 and is set in Monaco. Directed by Pascal Chaumeil, it stars Vanessa Paradis, Romain Duris, and Julie Ferrier and they are brilliant! Even if you are Grumpy Grumbleson, you will be in a great mood after watching this. Just sayin’.

Book

My youngest daughter recommended a book to me. Donald Miller had me at his author’s note: “Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It’s as if they are showing you the way”. The title, “Blue Like Jazz” is a beauty, but it’s the subtitle that indicates you are in for a thought-provoking ride … “Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality”. His writing is anything but traditional; I find myself wondering how he got in my head while reading this. I think he and author Anne Lamott would get on famously. Two of my favorite passages so far are:

“My mother had given me her Texaco card for my date, so on the way home I stopped in for some Cheetos and donuts. I sat in the Texaco parking lot and thought about poor Romeo, begging for love, running off with his woman, and then accidentally dying. Some dates go terrible, it’s a fact.”

“At the time I was attending this large church in the suburbs. It was like going to church at The Gap.”

And this from his blog, ” My flight out of Nashville was cancelled and I found myself, suitcase in hand, standing outside the Nashville airport dismayed because all I wanted to do was go home. But there was a part of me that wondered if something good could happen, if I couldn’t “create a reason” for being stuck in Nashville. I made some calls and the night turned out to be great, one of the best I had that season.”

More, please.

Singers

Christopher Jak does it for me. Favorites: “Hold On Tight”, “Squeeze”, and “Begin to Cry”. Awesome.

I like David Gray. This singer/songwriter is most excellent at what he does. His latest album is Foundling, which should be available on iTunes. Previous to this release, my favorite DG songs are “You’re the One I Love” and “Babylon”.

That’s enough for now …my muse is calling me ….

Later.

Just Thinking Kooky Thinks

Hello, hello, hello! Are Mondays ever not maniac? If so, don’t tell me.

My dad had a successful surgery today. Rah! Sitting in the waiting room with my mom gave me much time for thought. Scary, right? I’m thinking …..

  1. Why is Arnold Schwarzenegger such an enormous idiot? I always wondered why Maria Shriver would even speak to him, much less marry him and have some of his children. I bet Mel Gibson and Charlie Sheen are doing the happy dance. And I hope Maria makes out like a bandit in her divorce settlement.
  2. Why do hospitals with enormous cardiac units serve fried everything in their cafeterias? Obviously, to keep the patients coming BUT the medical people were eating that stuff as well. At least they were today. I had no  choice but to select sushi. Used to love it until I read a book where the guy called it “expensive bait”.
  3. One woman in the waiting room called the entire phone book from her small town to report on her mother. Her voice carried. Half the people in the town obviously didn’t know her mother but promised to meet her sometime; the others didn’t know mother had surgery but were mighty glad all went well. TMI.
  4. Took my closet to Pung, my favorite person who happens to own a dry cleaners. Her three-year-old daughter took 12 photos of my right ear with her mother’s cell phone. I have elf ears – no points, but small. Like my nose.  Which reminded me that I LOVE big noses. Not the crooked witch bumpy kind, just a big old schnozz. They are sexy on men. And probably women, too, but I don’t swim in that pool.
  5. When waiting room blabbermouth was quiet, my mother said, “Your middle name is Randal, you know.” Wherever that came from, I don’t know. I just said, “I seem to recall that.” For the last 100 years…..

Stupid Songs I Remembered I Hate While Waiting in the Waiting Room

  • “Baby I’m A-Want You” (I’m thinking that isn’t English)
  • “Never Gonna Give You Up” (stalker song)
  • “Balls to the Wall” ( sounds uncomfortable)
  • “You and Me and a Dog Named Boo” (poor Boo)
  • “Dancing on the Ceiling” (bad trip)
  • “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” (do tell)
  • “Pardon Me, I’ve Got to Kill Someone”(pardon me while I run like a scalded dog in the opposite direction)
  • “Tell Laura I Love Her” (tell her yourself; who’s Laura?)
  • “Let Me Tickle Your Fancy” (methinks NOT)

Now I must prepare for a bank presentation I have tomorrow. I’m going to present them with an ultimatum. Show Me the Money or Show Me the Money. The bank is bus stop for the lost and the insane – that’s the staff. Which changes every week, I swear. Have been in there no less than five times to clear up all sorts of mistakes; they NEVER fix them. Because the staff changes each week. After demanding to see the manager of the day, I may quote John Imhoff, who said, “Any organization is like a septic tank; the really big chunks rise to the top.” I will get satisfaction this time, even if I shown my money – and the door. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

I need chocolate.

Later.

The Laws of Attraction: Search Engine Quarterly

 

I need to clean up my act.  Every so often, I check on the terms people use to find this spot. A few of the latest ….

  • People playing Angry Birds at Royal Wedding (doubtful)
  • Angry Birds Royal Wedding (didn’t get that invite, either)
  • Royal Wedding makes me angry at my husband (ok)
  • Crazy art reindeer
  • Is wearing your knickers inside out lucky? (no, uncomfortable)
  • Do Indians believe that bird mess brings good luck? (have no idea)
  • Reality tv is filling our minds with bad things (yes, very bad, terrible things)
  • Don’t call me Edna (ok, Edna)
  • im not an idiot ok (yay you)
  • What does it mean by decaying of plants? (dead plants? duh?)
  • Dionne Warwick stink eye (see reality tv comment)
  • Hot dog woman (huh?)
  • Pantyhose dentist crowns my mouth (TMI)

Yep, I should really take a tonic and clean my mouth out with soap. But I’m going to clean house instead. Changing mind/woman’s prerogative.

Later.