Calling Elie Saab …

Dear Elie Saab,

I love this dress and would really like to wear it at my daughter’s wedding. Here’s the problem – I can’t find it anywhere and if I did find it I couldn’t afford it so I am in a pickle. Now, you know it’s not this season – which makes it much less valuable – and – I promise I will wear it well AND tell everyone what an amazing designer you are. See – win/win! Thank you, in advance, for the dress. We will talk specifics when you contact me. Hugs and kisses,

Izzie Darling

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Happy Sundry Sunday

Weekend adventures in menus, bargain hunting, fashion, and vitamins. Finished book and found some great sayings. Sharing …..

Menus

Each week is more kookadoodledoo than the last so it is necessary for me to cook on Sunday. Here’s what’s on the menu for next week:

  • Portobella mushrooms stuffed with three cheeses and topped with pancetta
  • Collard greens, slightly braised in garlic, lemon olive oil, and chicken stock, topped with prosciutto
  • Chicken fillets, stuffed with pesto cream cheese, then wrapped in turkey bacon
  • Tuna nicoise pasta salad
  • Potato chips, Fritos, Peeps and caffeine (requires no cooking)

Bargain Hunting

Less than $50, including pashmina. Rah!

After donating most of my closet to Goodwill, I was in a bit of a pickle re: upcoming events. But I am a determined lass (long in the tooth for a lass, but determined). Some of bargains above might go with my favorite bargains below:

Maxi colorblock dress, $78, huge scarf/wrap, $6

Needed yet another outfit, so while at work at Cheeky Vintage, I found a severely cool short black top from who knows where. Then I put it with a Chartreuse raw silk tea-length skirt from the closet of a Parisian or it was made in Paris – whatever! It’s smashing! The photo below does not do the skirt color justice – it is outstanding!

Aucon de vos affaires, mes amis

Vitamins

My dad has been having more back issues, bless his bones. Saint ShayShay suggested Pantothenic acid, which is a big fat word for B5. She swears it unclenched her neck and made her dad jump up and dance a jig after a skiing injury. DO NOT PUT ANYTHING IN YOUR MOUTH WITHOUT CONSULTING YOUR DOCTOR. That being said, the best price for B5 was at Whole Foods!?! There’s also a whole thing going on (so late to this party) about taking collagen in the form of gelatin pills; supposedly, this activity provides good hair, strong nails and less rickety joints/joint pain. Gelatin (see Knox Unflavored Gelatin), by definition, is made from the proteins derived from the bones and skin of animals (not a veggie situation). All the info I could find said no animals were killed for gelatin. Jury’s out, as far as I am concerned. I mean, the animals weren’t alive when the proteins were derived. Need to take ADHD vitamin and keep nose out of this.

Rules of Civility

Finished this and have changed my mind. Maybe. After finishingThe Paris Wife, set in the 1920’s, it was hard for me to jump into Rules‘ Manhattan of 1938. Places so different, themes so similar … jazz, art, and lots of booze. Please put more emphasis on first two; these books are very good.

Favorite New Sayings

Last Friday, OneKingsLane.com featured all sorts of art. One section, Typography & Letterpress, caught my eye. Word art. These were my favorites:

“The only zen you find at the top of the mountain is the zen you bring up there.”

“Breathe in the future, Breathe out the past.”

“I do believe there is time for another adventure.”

“Go and wake up your luck.”

Off to shake up my luck. It’s already awake.

Later.

I Would Marry My Dog if He Could Talk and Screw in a Light Bulb

And a few other things … but that’s the truth. And, that’s exactly what I said to the last man who asked. When I get the “I thought you’d be remarried by now!” and the “Why aren’t you remarried yet? stuff, I’m very honest. I was married for 20 years, it didn’t work out. While I’ve had relationships since, none have been worth a lifetime commitment. Doesn’t mean it won’t ever happen, just that I can’t be a nurse and won’t be purse. Kooky? Yes. Stupid? Not so much. Until then, it’s me and him …..

Get me a beer, pronto!

Onto other kooky stuff –

I was in a great shop yesterday. A cute mom and her daughter, a blonde version of Holly Golightly, came in. “Holly” wanted to try on a few things while Mom took a seat for the fashion show. Do you know what a “hanger” is? The female human version usually has broad shoulders, is thin, and can wear anything. “Holly” was a hanger, so her options were endless. While Mom told me her life story as well as those focusing on the health of her extended family, “Holly” rocked the racks.

In the middle of this personal/retail therapy situation, in blew our town’s version of Mr. Fabulous (think Martin Short as Franck inFather of the Bride and/or the enthusiastic(!) Kevin Lee on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills). But our Mr. Fab is very attractive and has better bs. Nevertheless, it was double air kisses all around and he added levity to the therapy show. Mom’s stories were getting sadder and sadder, so I was damn glad to see him. When “Holly” came out in her 47th outfit (I kid you not), Fab turned to me and said, “Your top is amazingly beautiful”. So, being the truthful sort, I announced to the whole store, “I got it at Walmart and it cost $9.” Shut it down, shut it down, SHUT IT DOWN!

At the mention of Walmart, Mr. Fab had to dash. Mom and “Holly” weren’t far behind, not because of Walmart, but because the racks were now bare and Mom was about to gnaw her left arm off as she was starving. As for me, I just chalked it up to yet another adventure, drove home and collapsed after walking and feeding Himself. He didn’t give a bone what I’d been through.

When reviewing yesterday, I’ve come to several conclusions. Mom needed to talk and I listened. Next time, I’m charging for it. Mr. Fabulous is always in a good mood. “Holly” had a big time.  I’m keeping my fashion secrets to myself. And am rethinking dog marriage; he’s like the others, just wants to be fed. Thank God, sex is not in the equation.

Some adventures aren’t all they are cracked up to be. And a lot of people are cracked.

Be happy. It’s a choice.

Later.

Blame it on Eve

I’m talking about clothing. While I wouldn’t call Eve a style icon, her curiosity and that damn apple did present us with the need to “cover up”. Don’t know who decided to make dressing an art form, but God bless him/her/them.

Did you know that any clothing over 20 years old is considered vintage? I didn’t, but am all over vintage clothing for a number of reasons. First and foremost …..

My Grandmother

My grandmother was born with style. I think this photo is 1930’s but her outfit looks like Norma Kamali was around at that time. Luckily, I have some of my grandmother’s jackets and other accoutrement which I wear frequently. Because it was so well made and way cool. I LOVE vintage clothing. The fabrics, the craftmanship … oh, I feel a case of the vapors coming on.

Before I take to my fainting couch, I must tell you why I’m double lucky regarding vintage. My city has the very best treasure chest of vintage clothing, shoes, hats, handbags, and other accessories in this hemisphere. IN ONE SPOT! Cheeky Vintage! Just the name makes me swoon.

The owners of Cheeky Vintage, Denise and Tina, are brilliant and have a serious love and eye for vintage perfection. But don’t just take my word for it; Lucky Magazine calls Cheeky one of the country’s best vintage stores. And the positive press goes on and on. Go to cheekyvintage.com to drool.

Chanel, anyone?

Treasure Chest

Just fainted.

Later.

Heimliching My Dog and Other Stuff

Bear with me here – haven’t posted in so long, my fingers are rusty. But let’s do get down to business nonsense.

So, my dog will not re-enter the house without my giving him a treat. My bad and he’s a fatso as a result. But I digress. Several weeks ago, I provided the requisite treat to get his fat self back in the house. The treat was rather large. Several minutes later, I noticed him walking in circles, mouth open, ears down … choking. Somewhere, I’d read something about someone giving the Heimlich Maneuver to their animal. So I got my arms around him, did HM and out popped the offender. He was so happy, he went straight into Liberace mode.

Himself, after donning his faux fur stole

Hairy Stuff

So, my hair is longer than it’s been in 22 years. Big whoop, you say. Well, it’s working for me in two ways. First, my “do” is so patently different from my former “pixie”, I can go almost anywhere undetected. Really, people I’ve known since I was 12 don’t recognize me. So great for covert operations and dodging people I can’t possibly be nice to. Second, men like hair. Who knew? I’ve grown my hair out because I wanted to, period. But it is hilarious how many men talk to me. This is not a vanity thing; when you are a certain age, the eyes aren’t what they once were and I think they are just now figuring out I’m not a boy. Je suis tout étonné.

Need some awesome White Elephant gifts? I did and boy, did I hit the jackpot at Dollar Tree. Got 12 separate hair extension situations (a bevy of colors) for $12; my friends will be delighted.

Fab hair extensions, complete with braided bandeau

Old Photos

My mom keeps giving me old family photos. Here’s the latest – it’s really a dear mother/child shot.

My grandmother and mother - love

Books

Am working through a load of pages. My book club is reading “Unbroken” by Laura Hillenbrand. Having a bit of a time getting into it. Other pages I’m turning:

  • Big White Panties by Dale Alderman – sort of amusing but no classic
  • Stupid and Contagious by Caprice Crane – she’s pretty funny
  • Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer – loved this even though it broke my heart

Bargains

Two words:  Dollar Store. No, you can’t buy everything there, but you can save some bucks. Aside from hair extensions, these spots are the best for wrapping paper, gift sacks, tissue, dental floss and weirdo stuff from childhood. Have also found an online shopping secret … check out websites you purchase from; they often featured unadvertised discounts – like 30-40% off. Experts say the discounts will only get deeper. Just so you know.

Ok, gotta mush.

Be happy – it’s a choice.

Later.

My Trees Have Faces and Other Stuff

No, I’m not writing from the psych ward. All my trees do have faces.

Smiley McStump

See? He’s the happiest of the lot. It is too early in the day to show you the others. September was  a month of observations – and not blogging. Climbing back on the wagon, I’ll share lessons some observations. Shocking, right?

  1. GMA  reported that men adore beautiful women – specifically women with big eyes, full lips, and a small chin. This info comes from a Harvard study. I get the eyes and lips but a small chin? Have you ever been complimented on your chin, period? Good grief, the only reason a woman even looks at her chin is to check for scary hairies.
  2. My neighbor. If you saw him on the street, you’d think he was a hunk of burning love. LOOKS ARE DECEIVING. He hates everything and everyone except dogs, me, and penis replacements. He’s just traded his ginormous Hummer for a Monster Truck. Said truck does not fit in garage. He is way scary … especially when he throws a ball or something – repeatedly – against my bedroom wall from what must be his bedroom. Ewwwwww!
  3. The two funniest shows on tv, in my opinion, are Saving Grace and New Girl. Zooey Dechanel is HILARIOUS!
  4. BARGAIN ALERT: If you have a CVS card, you can purchase a case of water for $1.11 this week.

If you want the secret to good hair – buy this:

Suave Dry Shampoo

You can find it at grocery and drug stores, it is usually under $2 and it IS a game changer in hair land. After having a pixie cut for 20 years, I decided to grow my hair out. Channeling a younger Anna Wintour, I am. While there is much more hair than I remember, it is straight as a board and needs a bit of volume. Enter Suave Dry Shampoo. You can use it however you wish. For some serious volume, here’s what you do: wash your hair, dry your hair, then spray the roots with the dry shampoo. Massage it in and wait about five minutes. Then fix your major hair bomb. Trust me on this one; I’ve had disbelieving friends test the method and they are converts.

Am big into bargain hunting  and latest finds came from Old Navy and Marshall’s.

Old Navy cardigan and turtleneck
Laundry tweed sheath/Marshall’s

The cardigan, under $20; the turtleneck, under$18. Lots of colors and variations on both.

The Laundry sheath (bad photo) is awesome and will work until spring. With opaque hose and great heels, not bad for $59.
Last but not least, if you want a really good laugh, check out http://whenparentstext.com/
Later.

My Issues Have Issues. Really.

I used that line to decline a date request. And I wasn’t lying. My issues for today are … business names, a neighborhood, and knackwurst.

The first issue was prompted by a parking space at a shopping center. Yep, I parked right in front of the Dress Barn. Could this national clothing chain for women have picked a more unbecoming moniker? Methinks NOT. I was prompted to find more professional insanity because I wanted to and I do not use my time wisely.  Here are the names of real business I found; feel free to add your own.

CLOTHING

Girdle Garage

House of Hose

GROOMING

Indiana Bone and the Temple of Groom

American Hairline

Nervous McStabby’s Hair Care Place

Lunatic Fringe

Slingin’ Ink Tattoo

BOOKS

Crapbooks

The Bookie Joint

FLORAL

Florist Gump

The Stalk Market

FOOD

Crazy Cow Steakhouse

OK Chinese Food

Bologna Boutique

Nasty Buffet

LAST BUT NOT LEAST

Master Baiter’s Sportfishing and Tackle

Bada Bing Bail Bonds

Enough. Moving on to a new neighborhood. My eldest, Miss Peach, recently moved into a swishy townhouse with her friends. She invited me to see it right after she moved in. Her place is beautiful, nicer than mine. As she walked me out and down the road to find my car, I surveyed her “hood”. Which prompted one question. “DID YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING NEXT DOOR TO A METH LAB?” She said, “Oh!”. End of convo. We are very casual about potential life-threatening situations. Moving on.

Knackwurst. At a recent cocktail situation, I ran into a friend. He’s a great guy and has been promoted to CFFOBPRQ of an enormous company. I forget what we were talking about, but for whatever reason, he called me a “Knackwurst Head“. Knowing only that knackwurst was not complimentary, I did what any self-respecting woman would do and emptied the contents of my hors d’oeuvre plate into his cocktail. I mean, really! A knackwurst, for those of you who don’t know, is a short, plump, highly seasoned German sausage. I am NOT a Knackwurst Head, you MOLDY PIECE OF HOG’S HEAD CHEESE!

Feeling better already! Gotta run, late for appointment at Sweaty Betty’s Beat & Tease.

Be happy or go to your room. Your choice.

Later.